


Our Time

by whisper_feather



Series: All Time [1]
Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Big Gay Love Story, Bottom Son Dongju | Xion, Bottom Yeo Hwanwoong, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Historical References, Kim Geonhak | Leedo - Freeform, Kim Youngjo | Ravn - Freeform, Lee Keonhee - Freeform, Lee Seoho - Freeform, M/M, Son Dongju | Xion - Freeform, Top Kim Geonhak | Leedo, Top Kim Youngjo | Ravn, Yeo Hwanwoong - Freeform, oneus - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 50,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24108871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whisper_feather/pseuds/whisper_feather
Summary: Kim Youngjo has been in love with Hwanwoong for some time. He finally decided to confess it, but Hwanwoong didn't immediately accept it. This made Youngjo have to wait a long time before his feelings were fulfilled.At that time, he was absorbed in a story from many, many years ago.Kim Geonhak loved the boy he found on the street. However, he and Dongju couldn't fully enjoy this feeling, because the world didn't accept people like them.Hwanwoong after military service had to ask Youngjo for help because he made few silly decisions. Geonhak's journal also fell into his hands, and this allowed him to discover completely new feelings, which until now hid in his heart...
Relationships: Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Son Dongju | Xion, Kim Youngjo | Ravn/Yeo Hwanwoong
Series: All Time [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106396
Comments: 67
Kudos: 108





	Our Time

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ  
> vvvv
> 
> Dear ToMoon, I'm giving you the longest fic I have ever written.  
> It was a random idea that unexpectedly grew and exceeded my expectations. I lost control over it and here is the effect.
> 
> Please, take into account that English is not my native language and I'm aware that there are a lot of mistakes here, for which I'm sorry, but I tried my best. I'm learning new things all the time >///<
> 
> Please, let me know what you think. I worked really hard at it and I would like to know what you think :")
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/whisper_feather)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/whisper_feather)
> 
> Thank you and I love you~~
> 
> (Note: This is a story inspired by historical events, but it is not strictly historical)

[Seoul, 2018]

Love is unexpected. It can manifest itself in the most unexpected way and when no one expects it. A wave of emotions that can overpower, sometimes so strong that you forget about sleep and food, and the heart hurts with each beat, the stomach twists and you can’t stop thinking about the other person.

It’s perfect when this love is mutual. It’s different when only one side is ready for everything and the other is not.

And this fear and anxiety when love comes where it shouldn't. When two hearts beat one beat, but no one can see it.

This is a tragedy.

Impossibility to love when we want it so much.

Youngjo has been fighting for Hwanwoong's attention since they graduated from high school. Although Youngjo waited three years for Hwanwoong to graduation. He also used this time to do military service. And this time passed quickly. It was over before he looked back. After that, he worked casually in many companies as a courier or as a cashier in the store. Sometimes during the day he was a courier and then had a night shift at the grocery store. He was tired not only because of constant work, but at that time he rented one small room for a penny and had to share space with other people. Many of them. No personal space. But that taught him a lot.

And after that he and Hwanwoong could attend the same university together. Their rooms were on the same floor. They even shared some classes.

They were friends, but Youngjo knew that this feeling became stronger over time.

Hwanwoong was funny, trustworthy and you could always count on him. He was full of energy and when Youngjo felt powerless, Hwanwoong always lifted his spirits. He was just a beautiful human being and Youngjo couldn't stop admiring him.

Until one day he realized that he loved him. And it hurt. He hid it, he didn’t have the courage to confess it.

But he knew that if he won’t do anything, nothing would change.

And that's why he finally did it.

It was evening, they returned together through the park on campus. It was quiet and warm.

He felt his heart beating strongly. Fear mixed with excitement. That hurts. A heart breaking against his ribs, as if it were about to burst. His hands were trembling.

But he had to. He couldn't hide it anymore.

"Hwanwoong." he spoke up. The boy stopped and looked at him. Those round, sparkling eyes. Full lips that Youngjo wanted to kiss endlessly. And he was so small. This was probably his biggest advantage.

Even if Hwanwoong was getting a lot of jokes about it, Youngjo loved his height. He could fit in his arms perfectly.

"What is it, hyung?" Hwanwoong asked. The smile disappeared. "Are you all right? You're terribly pale."

"I... I..." he began to stutter and get nervous. Right now. In such an important moment for him. "I have to tell you something." he swallowed. His throat was dry.

"Okay?" Hwanwoong was clearly confused.

"Please, don't hate me for that."

"Hyung... spit it out finally."

"I love you."

He finally said it. He looked at Hwanwoong in anticipation and trembled all over his body. He felt sweat pouring over him.

The silence seemed to last forever.

Hwanwoong finally smiled. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I know." he answered. "You are saying this often." he turned to continue the road.

And suddenly Youngjo felt something change in him. He grabbed Hwanwoong by the arm and stopped him. He frowned and stared at him intensely.

"I'm serious, Hwanwoong. I fell in love with you. It has been going on for a long time, but I can't hide it or hold it any longer. I decided that I had to confront you." Youngjo released his arm.

Hwanwoong stood without saying a word and looked at his feet.

"Hyung... I don't know what to tell you. You are my best friend. You and Seoho-hyung. But I don't know if I share this feeling for you as you have for me. It’s… I’m..."

"I understand. But I want you to know. And I want you to answer only one question for me... Is there a chance you could feel something more to me? Sometime in the future?"

Hwanwoong stepped on his feet and sighed. He put his hands in his pockets.

"I don't know. It's a difficult question and I can't answer it now."

"All right. I understand." Youngjo took a step back.

"I need time."

"I understand."

"And maybe better... let's not see each other for a while."

It hurts. Youngjo felt something sharp hit his throat. He could hardly speak.

"Fine." he whispered.

"Mh... I'll be back alone."

He turned around and soon disappeared. Youngjo stood there alone for a long time, until he felt his legs start to go numb. He clenched his fists and returned to his room.

He couldn't sleep. He fidgeted and couldn't calm his mind. He didn't know if he regretted it. But he certainly wasn't relieved.

He didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. Seoho? He was sleeping for sure. He won’t answer Youngjo for a long time.

And he wanted to hear from someone that everything will be alright. He needed it so badly. But there was only a silence.

* * *

The pain was still there.

Every time he saw Hwanwoong sitting elsewhere, not with him at one table. Days passed and Youngjo was beginning to fear that he would lose his mind soon.

He missed a smile, a voice, a flash of eyes, a laugh, a smell... Everything.

"Idiot."

Youngjo blinked when he heard a voice. He looked up. Seoho was just sitting on the chair next to him.

"Yes I know."

"It's great that you realize this." Seoho snorted. "You are too hasty. You should do it better. Now he will probably always avoid you."

Youngjo didn't want to hear it, so he grabbed the tray and stood up. Seoho stopped him.

"Wait. I know it's hard for you, but give him time. I'll try not to be mean to you."

"Ah, you are so kind already." he said with irony.

"Well, forgive me, but you jumped at him with that confession. No wonder he panicked."

"I'm starting to regret it. And love for Hwanwoong is something I never ever want to regret."

"Ahh... hmm..." Seoho tried to smile, but the cringe was visible on his face. His wide smile full of teeth until his eyes disappeared. Youngjo knew the expression too well.

He hated it.

"If you are going to torment me, let me go and drown myself in my regret."

"Why are you so dramatic? The world doesn't end. I told you, give him time. It's only been a few days since you dropped that bomb on him."

Youngjo sighed. He tried to grab a piece of meat with chopsticks, but it still slipped away, so he gave up completely. He rested his head on his hands and was looking at the table top.

"Are you going to starve yourself? Idiot, really. Eat." Seoho muttered and offered him the tray until Youngjo had to sit up straight. "Besides, I remind you about the project for literature classes. You didn't listen at all and you missed the option of choosing a topic. Only this one left."

Youngjo looked at the piece of paper. Although he wasn't sure if there was anything more important to him now than Hwanwoong.

"The first railway? Seriously? It's history, not literature." Youngjo gasped and folded his arms. He hated himself so much right now.

"Not really. It's more about what happened in the literature at that time. It should be interesting. Stop complaining and end that role of a martyr. Focus on writing the thesis, otherwise you won’t pass the semester."

"Fine! God! Let me live."

Seoho smiled. The same wide smile and no eyes.

"No." he answered with vile satisfaction.

Maybe it was the only way to break away. He had to focus on studying. This semester was decisive. Then receive his diploma and he will have to apply for a job.

He was only satisfied with the decision to enlist and work during these three years while he waited for Hwanwoong to finish high school. He saved every penny he could. It will be enough for him when he graduates and he has to live on his own.

It was a good decision. Sensible.

Shooting a sudden confession at his friend wasn’t, at this point, sensible. But he has to live with it.

While searching for materials for the thesis, he came across a huge number of private journals and notes. He understood that it had to be the only form of entertainment then, because what could it be.

Among all the data he collected, he came across the name Kim. Naturally, he was interested in this name, since he was also the owner of it.

Kim Geonhak was a young heir to a great fortune. He was respected and admired for his generosity and maturity, which he showed despite his very young age. In 1894, he invested a large sum of money in a project that eventually led him to bankruptcy. He lost all his property and sold what was left to him to save himself.

"I can relate to this, man." Youngjo murmured as he read the short biography. "I may not have lost a fortune, but I have lost something very valuable."

Kim Geonhak worked for the next few years, until the railway came to Korea. He tried the investment again, which this time brought him success and he could lead a peaceful life, until 1950, when the war broke out, and he died. He had one wife, he was childless. Everything was inherited by his brother.

So simple, yet… how hard did it have to be?

Youngjo wrote his thesis, but the man's story fascinated him so much that he couldn't stop thinking about it. The night before the final exam he had a dream, which he and Geonhak meet. It was terrifyingly real. He stood in front of the mirror, but instead of his reflection he saw Geonhak in sepia. In the position in which he saw him in the only photograph. Tall, proud, young.

And then Geonhak reached out, grabbed his throat and pulled him into the mirror. Youngjo woke up with a short scream.

But even after that nightmare he wanted to know more, so he started looking for journals, letters and notes... His fascination was interrupted by the end of the year.

He, Seoho and Hwanwoong passed the semester and this meant that they had to take a job and live on their own now. A terrifying vision. Youngjo had money, his parents also wanted to support him, but he refused.

He wanted to do it alone.

Maybe he and Geonhak had more in common than he thought?

After the closing ceremony, everyone met in their favorite place to eat and drink soju.

Hwanwoong was also there. And he sat close. Closer than ever is past few weeks. Youngjo didn't know what to do. There were other friends there so it helped him to avoid the awkwardness.

But the sight of laughing Hwanwoong warmed his heart. His face was flushed with alcohol. He was relaxed and full of life, as always. And the pain has returned.

Youngjo went out to get some air. He listened to the noise of the street and the voices of other people passing nearby. So simple, so clear from any emotions. He suddenly felt calm.

And then someone stood next to him. Someone very short and quite drunk.

"Hey hyung." he smiled.

"Hey." Youngjo smiled back, but felt as if he were standing on thin ice and could fall into the icy water any moment.

"Long time no see."

"Yes. Yes, as you wanted."

"Mh. I may have exaggerated a bit. I wanted to talk about it."

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Being drunk?" Youngjo raised one eyebrow.

"I'm not drunk! I'm... relaxed."

"Ah, okay. If you say so."

Hwanwoong sighed and sat down at one of the tables. Youngjo did this too.

"Because it's not like I... I don't like you." Hwanwoong said. He grabbed a napkin and began to fold it repeatedly. "I just don't know if... it's love. But those weeks, when we didn't even have a brief word... I realized that I missed you. And Seoho-hyung is terrible when you have to face him alone." Hwanwoong pouted.

Youngjo rolled his eyes.

"Tell me about it."

"Yeah. So. I thought... maybe if we could go on a date or something... it would solve this uncertainty. Because I don't want to hurt you, hyung. I really don't want to." Hwanwoong looked at Youngjo.

His heart started beating fast again. He had to bite his lip to hold back. Were it not for his will test, he would kiss him. Deeply.

"It's enough for me." Youngjo whispered. "I don't want to hurt you either."

"Yes, I'm just afraid that if nothing comes of it, this friendship will completely cease to exist. And I can't stand it. That's why I panicked because I knew I couldn't give any answer. And if it came out this way, can mean the end of friendship, and I don't want to! " he started talking faster and louder.

"Woongie." Youngjo took his hands gently and smiled. Hwanwoong had shiny eyes. From alcohol and emotions.

"You haven't called me that for ages." he whispered.

"Yes it's true." Youngjo snorted. "Woongie, let me handle this. We'll go on a date, maybe a few. And we'll see."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"What if..."

"I don't want to waste time thinking about _what if_. I think you'll agree with me?"

"Yes. Yes, you are right." Hwanwoong blinked and looked at his hands, which perfectly fit in Youngjo's hands. "So… when?"

"Maybe the end of the week? Tomorrow I'm going to see the apartment and I have a job interview... This week will be hell, so a date with you will be a godsend." Youngjo laughed.

Hwanwoong managed to smile. His cheeks became even more ruddy.

"Okay. Let it be."

"What about you? An apartment, a job?" Youngjo wanted to relax the atmosphere. He released Hwanwoong's hands so that he wouldn't have to stress any longer.

"This week I’m still in the dorm. Later I return to my family for some time and then I will start looking for a job. And an apartment. I have something in mind." he smiled.

"That's good. I'm sure you'll make it. And rest when you're with your family."

"That is my plan."

Youngjo smiled too. He wanted the best for him.

"Are we going back inside? We'll drink something else."

Hwanwoong nodded.

Youngjo didn't know what was going to happen. Everything was uncertain. But he still had his head busy thinking about work and finding a good place to live. He wanted to become independent as soon as possible. His parents helped him enough.

Early in the morning Youngjo met the owner of the house in which he was renting an apartment. It wasn't new but clean. A very small kitchen connected to the living room. The bathroom was a decent size and the bedroom had a small balcony. Everything worked fine, the air conditioning was quite new. The district was quiet and it was easy to get to the center. Youngjo wasn't going to whine if he liked it. The price was also good.

He made a deal and could move in right away.

Because he didn’t have a car, he decided to use the services of a moving company and when his belongings were moved from the dormitory to his new apartment, he could calmly go to a job interview.

He was nervous. He knew that working in the office would be a challenge. Staying after hours, extra work, not many days off.

The beginnings are always difficult, but he knew that if he succeeds, he can really go far.

The first conversation wasn’t very successful. They said they will let him know, but he had a feeling it was nothing. There was a good feeling about the third company. But it was the next one who wanted to take him on full-time.

Everything was going according to plan. Like magic. All that was left was to hope that Hwanwoong would return his feelings. If not, he will have to accept it.

His job was to assist in the office and was responsible for order in the documents. His odd job as a courier helped him a lot because he knew most of the names and rules. Maybe it helped him get a job right here. And it was a delivery company.

He also knew English, so he was immediately told that if he showed up, he would be transferred to the European branch.

And he thought it was a fair deal.

Youngjo didn't have time to look for anything about Kim Geonhak, but he still remembered him for some reason. It attracted him, like a magnet.

When he waited for Hwanwoong on Saturday evening, he was browsing the internet for some source of diaries from that time. He came across a page that was led by a person fascinated by that period of time. He found an entry on that page:

_Hanseong, February 15, 1890_

_Last month was cold. A lot of snow has fallen and I know how many people suffer from it. I bought several cast iron baskets so the fire could burn in them. I saw that many people used it and bowed to me when they saw me. I grew up here. This is my place. It is natural that I wanted to take care of it._

_But short days and long nights make me melancholy, and I wonder how lonely my life has become._

_Many people said that I was too young, that I don’t have the ability to manage such large fortune, but I know very well how many of them would like to take over this fortune._

_I can't let them win this silent fight._

_My family had connections with the royal family. In fact, King Gojong and I were distant cousins, but this was not officially presented anywhere. I was at the royal court as one of the dignitaries, but hardly anyone paid attention to me. And my word didn't matter much. For others, just being able to stay there was sufficient proof of respect._

_Loneliness, really, was my only companion._

_I don't know which of the gods was generous to me, or maybe it was Loneliness that pitied me by throwing a young boy under my feet. He was dirty and he was freezing, and I had a large house and lots of fire that I could share._

_So I took him with me._

_He is sleeping now. He didn't say a word yet, but he took a bath and ate. I don't know why, but my heart gets warmer when I look at him. I would like him to stay with me._

_Now, I need to rest._

"Hyung?"

Youngjo blinked and had to understand for a moment what had happened. This short post caught him so much that he forgot where he was.

"Sorry, I lost myself in reading." Youngjo smiled and looked at Hwanwoong for a moment. "We can go."

"Okay."

The atmosphere was a bit embarrassing, but Youngjo hoped it would change. He wanted to show that their relationship was always close and could simply be a bit closer.

They went to the cinema, then they went to eat something and generally had fun, almost as if nothing had happened. Hwanwoong laughed and was malicious, which made Youngjo feel relieved. It was something they knew.

In the amusement park, Youngjo won a huge plush toy and gave it to Hwanwoong. It was bigger than him.

"You are horrible."

Youngjo laughed.

"Don't you like the gift from your hyung?"

"I like it, but it's huge. I can barely carry it!"

"All right. I'll take it." Youngjo took the plush toy from a friend. They sat on one of the benches, where it was slightly quieter and looked at the lights of the stalls in the distance.

"Hyung…” Hwanwoong started. “I have to tell you something."

Youngjo felt his heart skip a beat.

"Mh?"

"I met with you because I promised and I know that I expressed my... willingness, but..." Hwanwoong sighed. "My family insisted that I should enlist. Now."

Youngjo was silent for a short moment.

"I understand. When?"

"As soon as possible. I'm going to the barber on Monday."

"Oh..."

"I'm scared, hyung. I feel like everything is getting out of control. I can't plan anything, everything goes slow. Slower than usual. Sometimes I get the impression that my head will burst from all these thoughts. I don’t know what to do, what to feel anymore.."

Youngjo sighed. The subject of the army was difficult and many people preferred to remain silent. Youngjo didn't feel the need to talk about it, but it was different now. This time it was about his close friend. In addition, he also felt responsible for how Hwanwoong felt. Youngjo's confession was really out of the question. It just complicated everything.

"It's not that bad. In fact... Life is very routine there. They feed well and you can sleep well. You've always been strong, Woongie, you can handle it." he smiled at his friend. "It will pass faster than you think. Also don't think that I will forget about our date during the time you are there." Youngjo snorted. "Really, run away to the army from me?! Do you hate me so much? Ahh I can see Seoho's face. I can already see his wide, stupid smile..."

Hwanwoong snorted, then started laughing. Loud, with his whole body.

"I'm sure it will be so." he admitted. "And I’m not running away at all. I swear!"

"Oh I know how it is! Vile dongsaeng..."

"No, no, no! It's not like that!" Hwanwoong was still laughing.

Youngjo was pleased that he was able to cheer him up. His laugh it was everything he needed.

Despite the fact that their separation was ahead and their date ended differently than Youngjo had planned, they were both happy. They had a good mood. In fact, they returned to the day just before Youngjo’s confession.

The air was light. They were okay again.

"Do you remember that I was doing a thesis on literature from the time of the first railway?"

"Yes, I remember."

"I came across a person named Kim Geonhak. He was very young, he inherited a fortune and I don't know why, but I was interested in his life. Apparently he lost everything and had to work for himself. I found a blog where a woman publishes fragments of his diary. And apparently he was a distant cousin of the then king. He also wrote about loneliness. I feel like his life was really hard and I can’t just… leave it."

"Sounds interesting. So you'll be busy when I'm gone." Hwanwoong said cheerfully.

"That's what I wanted to say. I'll tell you everything I know." they stopped at the dorm where Hwanwoong was still living.

"I'd love to listen. Keep my plush toy too. I'm afraid they won't let me take it."

"Sure. But I will give you something to keep."

"What..."

Hwanwoong didn't finish the question because Youngjo leaned over and kissed his lips. He had them really sweet and Youngjo was glad he could taste them finally. Even if it was to be the only time.

As Youngjo stepped back, Hwanwoong blinked in surprise, so he took advantage of that moment of surprise that persisted and stroked his lips with his thumb.

"You don't have to give it to me when you get back. Sleep well, Woongie." he said and left, carrying a big plush toy under his arm.

He hoped Hwanwoong didn't hate him. He didn’t regret what he did. It was a date after all. A date without a kiss makes no sense.

And at that time he decided to suspend his feelings for Hwanwoong as much as possible. He didn't want to forget, but he wanted to refrain from thinking about him. Just to stay sane.

In the evening, when he couldn’t sleep, he returned to the blog he had read earlier. He couldn’t find more entries about Kim Geonhak. But this woman must have known more. He found her email address and decided to contact her.

_Hello,_

_While searching for information for my thesis, I came across the name Kim Geonhak. And then I found this blog. I would like to know more about him. I can’t explain that. I just want to know his story._

_I will be grateful for your help._

_Best regards,_

_Kim Youngjo._

He lay down, hoping that he would receive a reply within a few days. But the phone made a notification sound and Youngjo was surprised to receive an answer immediately.

**_This story doesn't end well. Are you sure you want to know this?_ **

_**Yes. I can't stop thinking about it.** _

_**Why did he lose everything, why didn't he have children,** _

_**what happened to his brother, who was the boy he found?** _

_**I have to know!** _

**_Do you live in Seoul?_ **

**_Yes._ **

**_Let's meet then._ **

It was surprising. He got a quick response, and this woman seemed very restless about the whole event. If you can get the impression of the written word, it was so.

It was like secret government information.

It was possible that Youngjo was crazy and it was going too far, but he could not turn back.

They agreed the place and time. Youngjo wasn't sure if he would fall asleep, but before he knew it, the morning sun woke him up. He ate nothing but ran out of the house. He waited impatiently at the meeting point and looked around. Every woman seemed to look at him and he always thought it was _her_.

And suddenly a young woman with long hair sat down in front of him. She wore sunglasses. She had a large envelope with her, which she squeezed with all her might.

"Hello." Youngjo started uncertainly.

"I devoted many years to it. I was drawn to this story as much as you may be. Maybe because my surname is also Kim. Maybe it's our ancestor. I don't know. But it breaks my heart."

"Nice to meet you…?" he was so confused.

"Yongsun."

"Youngjo."

"Yes, even our names are similar."

"That's quite... unexpected."

"Mh, forgive me, but I brought only a part of it. I feel very attached to that story. You can start reading and then you will let me know if you want more. And now let's order something to eat, I'm starving..."

Youngjo, still very confused, took the envelope and took out several pages bound together. His heart was strangely restless, his stomach was twisting and it wasn't just because of hunger.

As soon as he began to read the first words, he felt as if he went back in time.

_Hanseong, February 17, 1890_

_A lot of snow fell during the night. It's hard to cross the streets and I decided to stay at home. I finally had a reason to stay. I had something that made me want to live._

_The boy still doesn't say a word. But he is calm and quiet. I want him to learn to read. I'm not sure he can. I read geographical notes aloud to him, because this seems to interest him the most._

_He has big brown eyes and long eyelashes. Reminiscent of a young deer. He is very thin and seems so delicate. Like he was made of porcelain. I want to protect him and I can't understand these feelings._

_I treat him like a gift._

_I hope that one day he will tell me something._

_I called him Xion._

*

_Hanseong, February 20, 1890_

_He spoke._

_He was quiet and uncertain. I got the impression that he was angry and cool. I was afraid I did something wrong._

_But when he whispered that Xion was not his name, I didn’t know how to react. There was silence until I asked what his name is. He did not answer immediately. He looked afraid to say. Finally he said, equally softly, that if I want I can call him Xion. He doesn't mind._

_I was smiling. I haven't done this for a long time. I didn't think I still remember how to do it._

_But since he spoke, the barrier between us began to disappear. Being in our company has now become something pleasant._

_Sometimes at night he would wake me up and lay down next to me, wrapped in his own blanket. I couldn't refuse him anything._

_I would give him everything he could ask for._

_That night I also decided that every day I would give him money that he could spend on whatever he wanted. For every progress and for every word he says. Maybe it will encourage him to talk to me._

_*_

_Hanseong, March 3, 1890_

_Xion is sick._

_I don’t know what to do…_

_*_

_Hanseong, March 11, 1890_

_Xion is still sick._

_He is fading._

_*_

_Hanseong, March 14, 1890_

_What I’m doing wrong?_

_Why did he appear in my life and now the disease is trying to take him away from me?!_

_*_

_Hanseong, March 18, 1890_

_I don’t want to lose him._

_...the fever is going away. I still have hope._

_*_

"I will need more, Yongsun..." Youngjo said quietly, though there were several pages ahead of him.

He heard her soft sigh. She smiled from behind a cup of coffee.

"I know."

* * *

* * *

[Hanseong, 1891 (during Joseon era, later Seoul)]

"Dongju!" he was calling. His footsteps echoed down the hall. He opened every door and looked for the boy, unsuccessfully. "Dongju!" he opened another door and was about to move on when he saw a pair of legs, sticking from behind the table.

Geonhak sighed and stepped closer. His loss lay on the floor, on several pillows, among many scrolls.

"Dongju, I'm looking for you everywhere. The teacher will be here soon."

"I'm sorry, hyung." Dongju got up. "I was reading."

Geonhak smiled.

"I'm glad you read. You are doing really well. But now it's time to prepare for the lesson. I have an important meeting and I have to go too."

"Hyung..." Dongju grabbed his sleeve. Geonhak stopped and looked at him. The boy came and hugged him tightly. "When will you be back?"

Geonhak stroked his soft hair and squeezed him.

"Before dusk. I promise. At this time, stay focused. All right?"

"Mh." Dongju nodded.

They went together to a room with maps, historical and mathematical notes. Since Dongju stayed with him and his family was nowhere to be found, Geonhak decided to invest in his education.

He also knew that it was his responsibility to ensure he will provide Dongju a good life in the future.

They both greeted the teacher and Geonhak knew the boy was in good hands. During this time he could calmly settle the urgent matter.

Dongju has lived with him for a year and it didn’t escape some people's attention. They asked who this boy was and where he came from.

Geonhak knew that the truth in this case was not in favor of anyone. Therefore, Geonhak created a very reliable version of the events.

Dongju was the illegitimate son of his father, whose existence Geonhak learned from few letters. And because the boy had nowhere to go, Geonhak decided to recognize him as his brother. And although Geonhak thought Dongju was much younger, it turned out that there was only three years between them. Which only added reliability to the whole story.

And when you pay a large sum of money, getting a document wasn’t a big challenge. And he had that money.

He returned in a good mood and looked at the seal and signature with satisfaction. Dongju belonged to his family now and nobody would take him away. His heart was beating hard and he felt joy like never before. This poor boy, Xion, became his greatest happiness, and if anyone tried to hurt him, Geonhak would do anything to protect him.

And he will.

When he entered the house, the teacher was just leaving. They bowed politely.

"Is everything all right?" Geonhak asked.

"Yes, the boy is very clever. A great future awaits him. Talking with him is a real pleasure. I also left him some notes. He likes to read."

"That's true. Sometimes he even forgets to eat. I have to watch him." Geonhak laughed softly. "Please wait, I will bring payment."

"You don't have to, next time, Mr. Kim."

"Sir..."

The teacher raised his hand and bowed again as he left. Geonhak smiled. He was a good man.

Since Dongju was with him, he has had a lot of luck.

He found him sitting and reading. He didn’t realize that he wasn’t alone. He just read and reached into a small basket, pulling out snacks. His gentle movements and small body. How could he ever be real?

He was too beautiful to be real.

"How was the lesson?"

Dongju turned away. His eyes lit up. He left everything and stood up quickly. He embraced Geonhak tightly.

"Good. Today we were talking about mythology. About old gods. And about geography. How is it possible that the world is so big, hyung?"

Geonhak laughed.

"Sometimes I’m thinking about it myself. And I see you got sweets?"

"Yes. The teacher's wife sent it to me. But please, hyung, try it."

"There is no need, thank you. Eat. Do you still want to read?"

"Since you came back, no. I want to spend time with you, hyung."

"Good, I have something to show you. Come."

They sat together on the cushions and Geonhak pulled out the document, handing it over to Dongju. He read and looked at him with those big brown eyes.

"What does that mean, hyung?"

"This means that you fully belong to this family. You are Kim Dong Ju. My brother."

"But... What now?"

Geonhak laughed again.

"You don't have to hide any longer, you can go to town. I think you can even go to the royal court with me from time to time."

"Can I?!"

"Yes. I have to be there next week, so you'll come with me."

Dongju's eyes were full of tears, but before he cried, he embraced Geonhak again. And he kissed top of his head.

"I love you, Dongju."

The boy smiled and buried his head in Geonhak’s shoulder.

At night Geonhak woke up and Dongju was in his bed again. He lay shyly and uncertainly on the edge, wrapped in his own blanket. Geonhak hugged him around his waist and pulled him close. Geonhak didn't understand why Dongju was still doing this. He could sleep there if he wanted.

Most importantly Dongju was safe and happy. And it was enough for him now.

The news spread quickly, as did the fact that Dongju was intelligent and learned very quickly.

What also pleased him, people didn't look down on him. They treated him kindly because he had the name Kim.

Every day he thanked that this boy appeared in his life. Though he was a younger man now, ready to move into independent life any day.

Geonhak loved him with true and sincere love, though he couldn’t quite show it. He didn’t refuse, however, when Dongju needed closeness. He couldn't reject him when he wrapped his arms around Geonhak’s waist or when he came to his bed.

They were both lonely.

They both were in need for someone close whom they could trust.

As brothers, they felt that they were much stronger. And now they were officially brothers to others.

*

_Hanseong, February 15, 1891_

_It's been a year since Dongju appeared in this family. I've never been more proud than now. Watching his change day by day. As he grows up and becomes more confident._

_Dongju is someone you can expect only coldness and rough personality, but, to be honest, it is a creature hungry for love and warmth._

_A petty human being._

_I’m looking at him and seeing a porcelain doll, so fragile that sometimes I am afraid that I will hurt him. At the same time, I'd like to squeeze him and never let him go again._

_I can't understand these feelings. I don't understand this depth of emotion and this painful heartbeat._

_He is here, he is happy and healthy. We have a good life, people respect us. People respect Dongju._

_So why is it still not enough for me? Why do I still miss him and can't stop thinking about him?_

_Sometimes I’m afraid that something is wrong with me. That I love him too much and that one day I will hurt him._

_I shudder at that thought. I couldn't lose him. My life would not make sense. I hate myself for not being able to express it more. I'm putting all this on paper and treat him with restraint. And yet I see that he needs more._

_My old friend, Loneliness, quieted down, giving me peace. But did Dongju still hear her soft call? Is that why he sneaks into my bedroom and sleeps on the edge of the bed, not wanting to wake me up? Just not to be alone?_

_Does he see me as someone he trusts? Or maybe I am someone who is afraid of?_

_No, no. This is certainly not the case._

_I need to calm my thoughts._

_Also, the case with the Japanese doesn't look good. I'm afraid the king is making the wrong decisions. But I don't want to write about it in this journal. Since I write so much about Dongju, mentioning politics is disgusting to me._

_*_

_Hanseong, February 22, 1891_

_We were in the palace._

_Dongju looked stunning in hanbok with a gat on his head. He was like a prince. He had noble features. Maybe it was a child who disappeared from the royal court? Even if it was possible, I wouldn't let them take him. This world would destroy him._

_Even standing aside and listening to the conversations, I knew this world was too cruel, too corrupt._

_It was evil._

_And Dongju was pure, innocent. And even if he used to be mean to me, hide from me or hide my things in strange places... I wouldn't change my mind._

_His heart was made of crystal, and my role was to protect him._

_We were listening to music. Court music was not well known and was more developed during the current Joseon dynasty. I couldn't tell if this music suited me, but Dongju seemed interested._

_And if anything interested him, I was ready to accompany him._

_However, I felt relief when we were finally able to go home. For some reason I was restless when we were outside. It is as if Dongju was a treasure..._

_It's possible that he was just that to me._

_On the way back we met a Teacher who was accompanied by his brother, Keonhee. I have to admit that I haven't seen him really long. And although we knew each other from our childhood, it was good to see him again._

_*_

"Did you like it?" Geonhak asked Dongju as they walked slowly toward the house.

"Yes. I didn't think there were so many people there. And all these dignitaries, beautifully dressed women, music. King. But, hyung, I saw you were worried. Your eyebrows were still frowned. I didn't understand much of what they were talking about. Is something wrong going on?"

Geonhak sighed. He didn’t want to contaminate the pure soul that Dongju had. It would be a sin.

"Politics is a difficult topic, Dongju." Geonhak put a hand on his shoulder. "But you don't have to worry about it. Your only worry is calligraphy, which you need to practice."

"Ah, hyung. I know that perfectly! I try my best. Can you help me?"

"Of course." he smiled.

"Mr. Kim!"

The teacher stopped on the bridge to greet them. They bowed politely.

"Good to see you, Teacher-nim."

"You too. Dongju, I hope you practice what I have instructed you." the man looked at the boy.

"Yes, Teacher-nim."

"Good. Mr. Kim, do you remember my brother? Keonhee?"

"Of course." Geonhak laughed. "Good to see you again."

"Good to see you, hyung! We haven't seen each other for a long time. I’m staying here for now, so I hope we can spend some time together again.”

“Me too.” Geonhak said with a smile.

They said goodbye briefly and each of them went their own way.

"Have you known Keonhee-hyung for a long time?" Dongju asked.

"In fact, all childhood. But then their family wasn’t very wealthy and we couldn’t spend too much time together. Their lives improved only recently."

"He seems very nice."

"Keonhee is the spark of life." Geonhak laughed. Dongju didn't answer and he was really silent for a long time.

Geonhak noticed that Dongju relaxed only after taking a bath. When he was dressed up in more comfortable outfit, the fire was burning and he had hot cup of tea.

"Your hair is still wet." Geonhak sighed and took a towel, rubbing his head. Dongju didn’t protest, although he grunted several times when the gesture was too rapid.

"Hyung, do you remember my first bath?"

"Of course. You bit me."

Dongju chuckled.

"I wasn't sure what you wanted. I wasn't sure what happened. I was so confused..."

"I know, Dongju." Geonhak smiled and left the towel on the boy's head, sitting down next to him. "But now it's time to practice calligraphy."

"Mh." Dongju took off the towel. "I'm sorry, hyung. If I bother you..."

Geonhak looked at him and sighed. He didn't understand why he has such a thought, because he never gave him cause for concern.

"Dongju, you don't bother me. Actually, my life has made sense since you are with me. You are like a gift to me."

Dongju stared at him for a moment, shining eyes and slightly parted lips. They were wet and red.

Geonhak noticed that now.

"Hyung..."

"Calligraphy, Dongju."

"Yes. Yes, of course." he turned and pushed the paper closer, grabbing the brush.

Geonhak also had a few things to do, so he sat sideways in silence and looked at Dongju with a corner of his eye. He had already used up a few pages, but his calligraphy was still not good enough.

Finally Dongju sighed annoyed.

"Hyung! Help me please."

Of course, he knew that Dongju would eventually ask for it. He sighed and sat behind him.

"First of all, you are holding the brush the wrong way. Try to do it more straight." Geonhak grabbed his hand and they led the brush together. "Don't press too hard, do it sensitively. Patiently lead the line one by one."

Dongju bowed his head to study this method carefully.

His hair exposed his neck and arm a bit.

Geonhak felt his heart beat faster. He felt the sweet smell of the skin and felt the warmth of Dongju's body against his body. It was unusual, surprising.

"I think I understand now, hyung!" Dongju said cheerfully. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Keep practicing, I have to do something. I'll check how you did later." and when he said that he left the room.

*

_Hanseong, March 8, 1891_

_I have been very busy lately. Or maybe I was just looking for something to do, I don't know._

_My thoughts often come back to the memories of last year. Dongju was sick and I was really afraid of losing him. I didn't write too much, absorbed in watching him._

_March will probably always be a tense month for me. One night I really thought he would die in my arms._

_But no. He was fighting and he was still here with me._

_Maybe that's why I feel so bad these days. Maybe the memories are so strong in me that I can't get rid of them?_

_How else to understand what I feel?_

_I notice things that didn't matter to me before. I look at his neck, his hips, hands and lips... I want to touch them. Maybe it's because he became an important companion to me? Maybe because without him I could be dead myself?_

_In some ways he saved me. Now I'm starting to understand it._

_My head is full of thoughts about him._

_Dongju, Dongju... I don't sleep at night until I hear him coming to me. I won't fall asleep until I embrace him, sure he's close..._

_But why? I can’t explain that._

_He had been recovering for so long the previous year. In fact, he didn’t regain strength until May, and he couldn’t go outside for a long time._

_I remember how pale he was when he sat in the window watching nature come to life. And he looked like he was sticking with this life._

_And then July came and he regained energy. His eyes were shining, he talked to me all the time._

_My heart is still trembling when I hear his call: hyung, hyung!_

_Dongju in the garden, among flowers and butterflies._

_I want to capture this view in my memory forever._

_Dongju. He stole my heart and I don't even know when it happened. This boy, whom I found by accident on the street and showed him a bit of kindness._

_I’m scared. I’m afraid of myself and what is hidden in my heart that I cannot see yet._

* * *

* * *

[Seoul, 2018]

Youngjo sighed and leaned back to accept what he saw in the journal. And he knew that Yongsun had more, that she brought him only a few fragments. Just to tease his curiosity. Of course he was curious.

He wanted to laugh at himself. He wasn't that passionate about anything in years.

Except Hwanwoong.

He looked at her, she was eating a piece of cake, as if nothing had happened. Youngjo felt detached from reality, and his heart seemed to miss something strongly. But he couldn't name it. Smell of the smog and the noise of cars disturbed him.

"And how are you?" he heard.

"The boy Geonhak found... he called him Xion, but then he knew his real name."

"Yes. It's in other fragments that I didn't take."

"You have everything?"

"Yes."

Youngjo bit his lip. He had to know more.

"I have to read them..." Youngjo leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Tell me if I'm right. Geonhak fell in love with Dongju, yes? From these fragments it's obvious to me. He desired him..."

Yongsun smiled and took a sip of coffee.

"That's right. But it wasn't so obvious to them. Not in those days. Anyway, everything is described. Geonhak wrote down a lot and skipped only a few days when he really couldn't do it. If you have time today, then..."

"Yes." Youngjo said without hesitation and began packing the papers into an envelope. "I'll pay and let's go."

She sighed and stood up slowly, putting on her sunglasses. She tossed her long hair behind her shoulder.

"Men..." she sighed.

"You said this story doesn't end well. But you won't tell me the ending, will you?" Youngjo looked at her closely. The same smile again appeared on the face.

"Of course not. It's something that you have to experience for yourself. This way.” she gestured to the subway station.

They didn't talk on the way. Youngjo was lost in his own thoughts. He wanted to write to Hwanwoong how he is doing, but he remembered that he had kissed him yesterday and he chickened out. Youngjo bit his lip. He was so brave and confident, and now he couldn't send stupid messages. He still didn't regret it, but he was afraid that Hwanwoong would ignore him anyway. But he waited so long. He can wait a little longer. He will send him a message tomorrow.

The subway trip didn't last long. Finally they arrived at the residential area and Yongsun led him to her apartment. It was definitely bigger than his own, but she seemed to be making good money too.

"What do you do every day if I can ask?"

"I'm a tourist guide."

"Ahh, that explains why you are so passionate about history..."

"Mh, I met Geonhak by accident. I fell in love with both of them madly... I'll make a tea. An album is on the table. Everything is there, arranged chronologically... You can start reading from the beginning." she disappeared in the kitchen and Youngjo sat down on the couch. He felt uncomfortable, so he reached for a small cow-shaped pillow. He smiled and took the album.

It was heavy.

Inside was a lot of photographs of pages from the diary. Yellow paper, sometimes even hard to read.

Youngjo was tempted to look at the last page. Probably every reader who sits down to a great story is tempted to see how the story ends. But here it was different. It wasn't fiction, it was a real story. If he looked at the end, he would feel like a cheater.

He had to get through the story in order.

He sighed and opened the first page.

The records began in 1890 and from what Youngjo understood it was a new diary. Every year Geonhak created the new one. It was a tradition that his father started and he wanted to continue it. Throughout January, Geonhak described each situation very matter-of-factly, there was a lot about politics and his plans for this year. Of course, everything changed in February when he found Dongju and decided to look after him. And only now, reading the entry of each day, Youngjo noticed how Geonhak's heart was melting. Dongju really changed something about him.

"Dongju was unbearable." Youngjo laughed.

"Oh yes, he gave Geonhak a bit of trouble."

"He bit him!"

"Well... Teeth are a good self-defense tool, right?"

Youngjo shook his head. The attempt to convince the homeless boy to take a bath was not easy, and Geonhak mentioned that the marks would not disappear for a long time. He wrote about him for several days, calling him "a little puppy". In a sweet way, just like a parent to his child. Lack of communication wasn't helping, it hindered their existence in one space. Dongju didn't want to be touched.

He didn't want to leave the room.

"I sat in the corner when I brought him food and waited in the hope that he would understand that I wasn't his enemy. I wanted him to believe that since I give him shelter and food, he can feel safe." Youngjo read it aloud and sighed. "It breaks my heart. Do you know anything about where Dongju came from?"

Yongsun shook her head.

"No. He himself, what is mentioned there later, knew only when he was born, how old he was and his name. Geonhak tried to find his family, but in vain. And if you type his name on the internet, he appears in history as Kim Dong Ju. Geonhak's brother. There is nothing more about him. Everything that is known about him is in the diaries."

Youngjo nodded and took a sip of tea, then went back to reading.

Dongju's disease was a breakthrough for Geonhak himself. Because then he really understood how lonely he was and how badly he needed this boy in his life.

"This boy, I would never suspect it, caused me to suddenly see the world with different eyes. Before I didn't see too much purpose and I followed the footsteps of my father, trying to match him and be independent. I enjoyed every day and even the smallest progress made me full of life. The fewer bites, the more he ate, the more willingly he took a bath... The more happy I felt. And now he is sick and I don't know what to do. The doctor is powerless. He makes me wait. And I'm afraid that I will lose this boy. That he will die. I can't, I don't want to lose him..." Youngjo read at loud again and had to rest. He put down the album and grabbed a cup of tea. "It's depressing. I know that he didn't die then, that he was fine, but still... I feel strange. As if I were about to cry."

Yongsun sighed.

"I cried more than once, and I know this story inside out. If you feel you need to cry, I'll give you a handkerchief. And I won't judge. You can't do it here."

Youngjo nodded and thought for a long moment. He was thinking about how he felt about Hwanwoong. How this feeling grew in him, how it evolved. It became more and more valuable to him. And if he were in this situation, if Hwanwoong's health or life were in danger, he wouldn’t know what to do either. He wouldn't know how to continue living.

He wasn't sure if it was natural. Maybe it was too much? Maybe he shouldn't? Maybe the confession was a mistake?

He felt his head ache. He wanted to continue reading, but for a few minutes he read one and the same sentence. In the end he decided that this is enough. He couldn't understand what was happening to him and he needed to be alone.

He thanked Yongsun. They agreed when they would see each other again, and then Youngjo returned to his apartment.

He stood for a moment leaning against the door. The silence was overwhelming. But he knew that if he tried to turn on the music, it wouldn't help.

He already missed him. Hwanwoong. And for a moment he regretted hurrying up with that confession. He hurried? But he waited so long. He just chose the wrong moment. But what would be a good moment?

He was so torn. He wanted to send a message to Hwanwoong many times, but he refrained.

Youngjo hoped they would see each other again before Hwanwoong almost disappeared for pretty much two years.

At work he had a problem to focus. It affected his whole day. He spilled coffee into the documents he had to fill out again. He made a mistake in the briefcase, which caused a fuss in his entire department. The boss gave him a warning.

It was a bad day in every meaning of this word.

Including rain. And he didn't had an umbrella.

And when Youngjo returned home, exhausted after all day, he dreamed to be in bed. Then he just looked at the phone. He saw a lot of messages. But it wasn't important.

There was also a message from Hwanwoong and his heart skipped a beat.

**_Hyung, I'd like to meet. Wednesday at 20?_ **

His hands were shaking. Hwanwoong wanted to meet to give him an answer? Or did he just want to say goodbye?

_**I'm** _ _**sorry it's so late D:** _

_**I just got back from the work.** _

_**Day and hour is okay. Where?** _

He wrote and waited for an answer...

**_Same place as always_**

So a restaurant near the park. They went there regularly during their studies. Good food and you could also have a bit of privacy. But Youngjo didn't want to hope, because this meeting could mean literally everything at the moment.

Yongsun contacted him asking how he felt. Their friendship, although relatively fresh, was quite funny when he thought about it. He had a suspicion that she might see him as a potential single, but he couldn't quite let her know he wasn't interested. Youngjo was very clumsy in terms of interpersonal relations. The very fact that he tried to confess love to Hwanwoong and it came out awkwardly was sufficient evidence.

He also knew that if Yongsun would suggest something, it was very likely that he wouldn't even notice it.

But now he had to lie down.

In his dream he saw Hwanwoong standing and waiting for something. Youngjo wanted to approach him, but the distance didn't decrease. He wanted to call, but no sound came out.

It was a very dramatic and tiring dream.

It's very possible that his brain can't deal with his stupidity. And that was the reason.

Youngjo waited impatiently for this meeting. He wanted to be earlier, but they kept him at work and he came to the restaurant after a while.

Walking between the tables, he saw Hwanwoong sitting in front of him. He had a cap on his head. It was hard to read his face. He smiled, but in a strange and apologetic way.

And then Seoho leaned out from behind the partition and waved.

Youngjo sighed softly but smiled. So it wasn't a one-on-one meeting.

Yeah. Logic. Hwanwoong goes to the army, so he wanted to spend the last free moments with friends. Nothing unusual.

"Maybe you can persuade him to show his new hairstyle. Because he wouldn't agree for me." Seoho said.

"For me he won't agree either." Youngjo answered and sat down. "Have you ordered anything yet?"

"No. And I won't show you my hair." Hwanwoong was very nervous.

"That's fine. You don't have to." Youngjo smiled. "They'll grow back. Okay, what are we eating? I'm starving!"

Youngjo did his best to create a friendly atmosphere. Seoho was a bit mischievous as usual, but Hwanwoong didn't bear it well because of his irritation. So Youngjo kept refilling Seoho's glass, until he had to go to the toilet everytime. Each time his step was becoming more and more shaky.

"I'll take him home later." Youngjo sighed, reaching for a piece of meat with chopsticks at the same time as Hwanwoong.

"Oh, I'm sorry, hyung."

"Eat." he smiled, giving it to him. All he had to do was smile and play according to a script that Hwanwoong was able to accept. So as if nothing had ever happened.

"Hyung..." Hwanwoong's voice trembled a little. "I know you would like an answer, but..."

"You don't have to do this. I chose the wrong time and place. I didn't respect your feelings and I feel very bad about it. I'll wait."

"But I don't want you to wait for something that may never come. That's the point."

"Do you want to talk about it now? Because it's a topic for a longer conversation." Youngjo kept his voice calm, looked at Hwanwoong with confidence and continued eating. He didn't know how he found the strength, but he felt calm. So he used it.

"I think we should, but I'm leaving tomorrow and..."

"I will wait. Everything is fine, Woongie."

"I'm not sure if this is right..."

Youngjo wanted to say something more, but Seoho came back and sat down heavily in the chair. He mumbled something about work, that everything was pointless and to be fair, it was difficult to understand him.

"Hyung, you told me you found a story?" Hwanwoong seemed to want to change the subject.

"Ah yes. The story of Geonhak and Dongju. I have a source where I can get journals, so I think I'll complete the whole story. I'll ask her to give me a copy. I want to keep it."

"Ask her?" Seoho caught it.

"Uhm, yes. Yongsun. She runs this blog. I contacted her."

"So you and she meet to read together? Oh, romantic." Seoho chuckled.

Hwanwoong looked tense, and Youngjo wasn't sure what to do.

"Romantic? The story of those two is, but I and Yongsun have nothing in common beside that."

"Uh-huh." Seoho grunted and took a long sip. "I see."

Youngjo was annoyed because he couldn't get out of this situation. But he also knew that there was no point in talking to drunk Seoho.

So Youngjo and Hwanwoong sat opposite each other and didn't talk about anything. The barrier, which had almost been demolished, became too big again to get around it.

"Good luck, kid!" Seoho was giggling. "Be brave. Waking up at 5 am is the middle of the night for you. I wonder how you can handle it."

"Give him a break and get in the taxi." Youngjo pushed him towards the car door and turned to Hwanwoong. "Please, don't worry. It will take some time before we see each other again. If it will be worth something, we will return to this conversation. Deal?"

"Okay. Deal."

Youngjo nodded and wanted to get in the taxi, but Hwanwoong spoke again, so he turned to him.

"Hyung, I hope it will be worth something. I think... I think I would like it to be." he put his hands in his pockets and looked down. Quite shy.

"We have a lot of time. See you, Woongie."

It was the best he could do. He just had to wait a little longer.

* * *

* * *

_Sindo, June 16, 1891_

_It's a very warm evening. The sky was blue all day and a gentle wind was blowing, carrying a salty breeze._

_Dongju is happy, or at least I believe he is. He never objected to me and never said anything to suggest that he was living badly. But I still have the impression that something is missing here. That there is some incompleteness in him and in me._

_It is as if there was a completely empty room between us and none of us knew what to put inside. Sometimes it bothers me. I don't want this to cause a gulf between us, although I know that I'm doing everything to prepare him for independent living._

_Sometimes I have dark thoughts to keep him with me. Don't let him go. When I look at him, something hurts inside._

_Even now, seeing him on the sand, looking at the sun disappearing in the water, I feel pain. I want him to be close. That he would never disappear from my sight. I'm not sure it's still brotherly feelings. I'm not sure of anything anymore. But I have to ignore it. I can't be so obsessive. This boy needs freedom, he needs to know and learn._

_I took him with me to Sindo. Even if I went here at the behest of the king to see how horse breeding developed for the army, there was no need to leave Dongju alone. I couldn't bear it if he was alone. Even if Keonhee offered me help, I wouldn't be able to focus on my task._

_He likes this place. He is still smiling, as if the sun has never set the horizon. Without this sun I would be in total darkness. My heart would turn to ice and I would become an empty shell, without the desire to continue living._

_This is how important Dongju is to me._

"Hyung!" Geonhak closed his diary and looked up. Dongju waved at him, holding something in his hand.

"Dongju, come and put on your shoes. It's getting cold. You can't catch a cold again."

The boy sighed but obediently came closer and sat down. Geonhak wrapped him in a blanket.

"Hyung, it's summer. It's warm."

"But you can get sick anyway." Geonhak said softly and embraced him tighter as the boy sat down between his knees.

"I'm not a child."

"I don't do it because I think you are a child. I do it because I care about you." he put his nose in his hair. He loved thhat smell. It took all the stress and anxiety away from him. "Is that so bad?"

"No." Dongju said softly and leaned cautiously until Geonhak felt his weight on his chest and smiled. "I really like it here. There is so much greenery and silence. Horses and huge meadows. I could live here."

Geonhak smiled.

"Maybe someday." he said in an undertone.

*

_Sindo, July 1, 1891_

_Still sunny and warm. Crickets play loud every evening._

_We're still on Sindo. Dongju likes this place so much. We could come back a few days ago, but as soon as I sent my report to the royal court, I wasn't needed._

_And I had enough money to stay here longer. For a short vacation._

_I couldn't sleep last night. I looked at the sleeping Donjgu and felt this strange pain again. I can't understand it. Why do I feel this strange longing when he is with me all the time?_

_But I enjoy being here alone with him. Nobody pays attention to us. And that suits me._

_However, I think we will have to come back soon. There is too much going on right now in the royal court. Also, I always liked being there when Pak Yunghio spoke. His thought was, same as Kim Okgyun, very futuristic and brought many ideas that could help in the development of our country._

_But I also had my own mission. The civil service examinations. Dongju will soon have to take this test and my job is to prepare him. The Teacher says that the boy is doing well and shouldn't have troubles, but I don't want Dongju to think that he can let go._

_I wanted him to take miscellaneous examinations. And that meant learning many languages, medicine and science. Including geography and astrology, which he liked very much._

_Fact that he already knew the basics of Chinese and Mongolian did a lot. He also mastered Japanese very quickly. It made me think where he might have come from. He had to be born in the middle class and spend his early childhood among people who speak many languages. It's the only explanation._

_It also made me anxious that one day someone would recognize him and take it away from me._

_Maybe that's why I'm avoiding taking him to the royal court, although that's where he can learn best by listening to live languages._

_There is not much time. I will have to hide my fears and let him develop. Push him forward, don't pull him backwards._

_Today I let him ride a horse. He looked so happy. Does he really need so little? Sometimes I will give him something small, and he seems eternally grateful._

_His soul and heart are made of crystal. I have known this for a long time, but sometimes there are moments when it is still difficult for me to believe that he is real._

*

_Hanseong, August 19, 1891_

_Rainy. It seems to be getting colder and I will have to take care of Dongju more. He might have been stronger, but his health was still the main reason for my worries._

_The return from Sindo turned out to be more difficult than I thought._

_Not only did I have to return to the royal court, but Dongju had to really focus on studying. The Teacher was coming more often, almost every day._

_I didn't have time for Dongju at all, nor did he have it for me. I didn't understand why it bothers me so much. I want him to grow. I want him to achieve a lot in life. I was doing everything for him._

_And I still was giving him money. I didn't quite know what he was doing with them. I've never seen him spend it on anything. But it's possible that he spares them for later matter._

_That's good._

_This will allow him to start an independent life comfortably._

_I don't know if I will have time to keep my journal as accurately as I have done so far._

_A lot is going on at the royal court. And all because of the consequences of what happened during Gapsin Coup._

_From that moment the situation was still tense._

_The only thing I hated most in this world was politics._

* * *

* * *

[Seoul, 2018]

Youngjo had to focus on work. The department he worked in was going through a lot of development, and even though he was only an assistant, he felt incredible pressure.

His English skills were more useful, though he couldn't speak so fluently. However, the company, knowing that it is worth investing in, sent him to a language course.

So, not only did he work for hours, he had to study a lot too.

He also didn't have much time to follow Geonhak's life. And this was his only entertainment. A quick coffee meeting with Yongsun was all he could afford.

"You look terrible." she said.

"I feel like that. I don't sleep much."

"Eat well at least. Do you have anything to eat? Do you need groceries?"

"No, no. Thank you. I have some food at home... Though I eat in restaurants like everyone else. I don't even have time to read. Which just kills me the most." Youngjo sighed and put a piece of cake in his mouth.

"What part are you reading?"

"They returned from the island of Sindo. August 1891."

"Ah, to tell you the truth, you don't lose much. Throughout 1892 Geonhak didn't write much. And of these few entries you can only learn that Dongju studied a lot and Geonhak stayed at the royal court almost all the time. And according to his own promise, he didn't write in his diary about politics. These few entries are only about his longing and the fact that he saw Dongju only for the moment when he was going to sleep." Yongsun smiled somehow mysteriously. She drank her coffee in silence, thinking away. Youngjo couldn't understand what absorbed her so much.

"When did he return to writing more often?" Youngjo asked, wanting to get as much information as possible from her.

"Somehow in February 1893. Then a lot began to happen. Dongju's exam and... a whole lot of things."

Yongsun smiled again in this strange, disturbing way.

"Can you just... tell me more?" Youngjo asked, a bit annoyed.

"History won't go anywhere. Focus on work, Youngjo. It's more important now. You have your exam soon, right?"

"Yeah."

"Exactly. Then pass English and I will prepare a new portion for you. And believe me, you'll want to read it."

"There is no doubt about it... I feel somehow strangely connected to all this. My friend had to go to the army and I feel tormented. I'm tormented by the feeling of longing that Geonhak felt. And now I have to learn, like Dongju. It's a bit depressing."

"Do you miss your friend?"

"Of course I do. Especially that I took a very bold step towards him and now everything is... frozen. And on the one hand I regret it, but on the other not. It's... complicated."

Yongsun put her cheek on her hand and sighed.

"So you fell in love, you told him about it, but he couldn't answer you. In the meantime he went to the army and an impasse arose. A genre classic, so to speak."

"Don't make fun of me. I take this seriously."

"Maybe that's the problem? Maybe too seriously? Focus on work and exam. The rest will come by themselves when the time is right."

"I... I guess so. Thank you. For anything."

"Your welcome!" she laughed.

Youngjo thought about it for a very long time. It's possible that he tried too hard and that is why everything didn't go his way. Maybe if he actually lets go and allows the course of events to work on its own, eventually it will solve something.

And thankfully Yongsun wasn't interested in him. At least she showed nothing. Youngjo felt embarrassed at just thinking about it. He could be wrong all the time.

But he just couldn't handle such situations. It was awkward.

At home he looked at the calendar.

He had to wait almost two years. But during this time he will have to focus on his work and many other things. He wanted to go far, try to get a better apartment in the future. Live freely.

For some reason, there was always a thought in his head that he wouldn’t be alone. That someone would appear in his life. Of course he would like it to be Hwanwoong, but for many reasons he couldn't be quite sure about it now.

Growing up is a difficult process. And it's not a biological matter, it's more a mental one. Emotional.

Human emotionality is so complicated that sometimes it is difficult to understand oneself, let alone others.

Youngjo, however, believed that when the time was right, everything would be as it should.

* * *

* * *

[Hanseong, 1893]

The Dongju exam was approaching inevitably. Geonhak wanted to be sure that everything would go as planned. That was his only goal.

But he also had to admit that Dongju has grown up a lot over the past year. He was able to focus on important things and didn’t avoid his duties. He became a full member of the Kim family.

And as Dongju became more and more independent and grown up, Geonhak felt a strange pressure in his heart. He couldn't understand it, and even writing a diary was difficult for him. When he started pouring his thoughts onto paper, it looked like he was starting to lose his mind.

All his thoughts revolved around Dongju.

And that didn't seem to go in the right direction. He was scared that he would become too protective and because of that Dongju would be hurt.

And he didn't want that. He would give his life for this boy.

Therefore, he spent more time with Keonhee, remembering their childhood days. When they went to the river to catch fish and frogs. When they spent sunny afternoons in the shade of trees. Geonhak was always the older brother, and Keonhee greatly appreciated it. Even now, Geonhak was the only person he was ready to talk about difficult subjects. Even if it concerned the annoying little sister. In this case, Geonhak knew that Keonhee was exaggerating. The girl was very quiet, calm and charming. But apparently that's how it is between siblings.

Geonhak laughed softly every time Keonhee complained. It was funny to see him like this, though it was obvious that he loved his sister and no one had the right to touch her.

Keonhee was a person who could easily get out and express himself loudly no matter what the subject was. He was also very tall and long. Geonhak joked at him that he was like a stick.

Keonhee was always offended at him, but he quickly forgot about it.

He was also the type of friend Geonhak could always count on.

Finally a very important day came for Dongju and Geonhak was very nervous from the very morning. He usually spoke little, but now he didn't speak at all. He knew that he was gloomy and that his mood was not conducive to the whole situation. Dongju needed peace and comfort.

But in this case it was Dongju who seemed more composed than Geonhak.

"Hyung, I can do it." Dongju said with a smile.

"Mh."

"Please, don't be so nervous. I've worked hard and I want you to be proud of me."

"It's not about me being proud." Geonhak said nervously.

"I know, but I just want you to calm down. I'll see you tonight." Dongju smiled and left, and Geonhak was motionless, moved by the beautiful smile he had witnessed.

He drank with Keonhee. They sat in two in the room and drank alcohol. Keonhee proposed this as a remedy for his stress.

They didn't talk much.

They exchanged only a few sentences.

"You care about him." Keonhee stated.

"Yes."

"You want everything good for him."

"Of course."

"You did it, so stop worrying."

"I can't... Something gives me no peace and I can't get rid of this feeling."

"Then drink more." Keonhee handed him another glass. "It will calm you down. And Dongju... He can handle it."

"Mh."

Alcohol actually made his mind deafened. It lasted until evening and even when he ate, he still felt this pleasant emptiness. As if nothing was holding him and he could relax.

He didn't think about anything he just waited.

* * *

Dongju has finally returned.

He was holding a white document in his hand. Geonhak looked at him with glassy eyes.

"I did it, hyung. I told you. You can be proud of me..." the boy fell silent because Geonhak came up to him and hugged him tightly.

He was hugging him and it was hard to breathe again. It squeezed him inside. He didn't know what was going on. He didn't know what to do. What did he want, since he was already holding him in his arms?

"I am proud." he whispered.

"Hyung, you're drunk..." he saw concern in Dongju's eyes.

In fact, Geonhak didn't look his best. His clothes were carelessly tied up and almost all his torso was visible. He walked barefoot from the morning, so dust from the road settled on them and they were gray.

"You should wash and lie down." Dongju continued.

"Mh." Geonhak grunted and stepped away quickly, wanting to be in a different room immediately.

What was wrong with him?

What did his hands miss?

When he didn't embrace Dongju, he felt so empty.

When he washed and lay down, his mind calmed down a little. He just wanted to fall asleep, relax and understand.

But he couldn't sleep. He was lying and floating in a strange half-sleep. He felt as if his body levitated above the ground and turned slowly. He drank way too much.

He didn't feel confident in his body, he didn't feel confident in his thoughts.

They were escaping to a very strange place, where all the moments were hidden when he saw Dongju's neck, when he was taking off his clothes to take a bath, when his hair was still wet and falling on his face. Big round eyes and long eyelashes cast a shadow on his cheeks when the sun was shining...

And then he heard someone enter the room.

Ah, not now, not now when he is in this state.

"Hyung?"

This voice. A sweet voice, whispering to him somewhere in the distance.

"Hyung, are you okay?"

"Mh."

"I just wanted to check... But I can't sleep alone. Can I stay?" and before Geonhak gave him the answer, the boy was already in his bed. He slid his legs under the cover.

Close. Too close.

Geonhak turned faster than he would have expected. His thoughts were far behind.

He leaned his hands on both Dongju's sides and looked at him from under half-closed eyelids. He lay under him, eyes open in surprise and those full, soft lips parted. Inviting.

Why? Why did Geonhak want to touch them so badly? This should not happen. He was drunk. Too drunk. His mind wasn't behaving as it should.

"Hyung..." Dongju whispered and raised his hands slowly, carefully, Geonhak felt their movement. He touched his back. Why? Why was he doing this?

And then his sober mind suddenly found his way. Geonhak awoke and moved away quickly.

He turned sideways, away from him.

He couldn't move. His heart was beating so fast that he felt pain. He was trembling for some reason. He was afraid of himself and how he behaved.

He wanted to forget about it as soon as possible. He didn't ask or talk about it. He pretended nothing had happened, and Dongju seemed to adapt well to it.

But Geonhak wasn't comfortable. He felt like it was chasing him. Like a ghost. It was lurking in the corner of his eye.

His body was against him. And the mind was even worse.

* * *

He met Keonhee again. Geonhak drank more than last time and his friend noticed that something was wrong.

"Will you finally tell me what's going on?"

Geonhak shook his head.

"Nothing happens."

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"No. Keonhee... It's nothing. Don't worry."

"Hyung, are you in trouble?" Keonhee took on a serious tone.

"No."

"Hyung!"

"I don't know!" he sighed, shook his head and drank another glass.

"You got very nervous. I don't know what's going on, but drinking alcohol won't help in the long run. Hyung, I think you've had too much stress lately. You have to have fun."

"What do you mean?"

"We can go the district. We'll eat, drink and you will get a little break." Keonhee smiled. "Like every man from time to time. Maybe Dongju should too..."

"No!" Geonhak exploded. It made him shiver at the thought. "Maybe it's my way out, but not him. Not him. Not yet."

"Of course. If you think so. But you definitely need it. I will organize something for us. Dongju did a great job, he deserves a little celebration."

Geonhak wasn't sure about this idea. He wasn't confident. He didn't want to admit it, but he avoided Dongju.

He always found an excuse to not be close to him. He suffered alone, but he suffered even more when he was in his presence.

When they ate together, Geonhak couldn't resist looking at Dongju's lips. How pink and shiny they are. He looked at his cheeks, neck and collarbones, which always protruded from under his clothes.

It was annoying. Did he still love Dongju? The boy he looked after? Which he made his brother?

"Hyung." his sweet voice. "You are mad at me?"

That hurts. It hurt so much when he asked the question.

"No."

"So why are you avoiding me? You don't talk to me, you don't look at me... you forbade me to come to your bedroom... You know that I have troubles with sleeping. You always understood that. I have nightmares again. Don't make me sleep alone, please..."

The pain was so terrible that Geonhak was close to madness. It was deep in his head and in his heart, but he felt it on his body too.

It wasn't normal.

"Hyung."

Geonhak sighed.

"Fine, sleep in my room. We'll put in a second bed."

"But why..."

"Because we are grown men. That's why."

He's gone. He left him alone.

For some time only this he did best. Abandoning Dongju.

He wrote in his diary that he was losing his mind. And he was really afraid of that. He couldn't understand what was happening and why suddenly Dongju evoked such a strong reaction in him and all he could do was avoid the boy like fire.

Did he feel better because of that? No. To tell the truth, he felt even worse, but he was afraid his soul was suffering from illness and he didn't want to make Dongju have it too.

Maybe Keonhee was right? Maybe it's because of stress?

Maybe this evening together in the district will allow him to relax and return to his former self.

* * *

"Once again where are we going?" Dongju asked, excited that they were going somewhere together. Geonhak took comfort in the fact that Keonhee walked between them. He was also happy that Keonhee took over as the speaker.

"To the district where you will see many wonders." Keonhee laughed softly.

"What do you mean, hyung?"

"You become a man, so you need to know what it involves. Now don't ask. You will see when we will be there."

Geonhak felt his hands sweat. They were cold as ice.

Finally they arrived.

The place was crowded, the air was filled with the smell of tobacco, food and alcohol. The screens separated the tables, so when they took a seat in the corner of the room, no one saw them.

Geonhak tried to stay sane. He drank alcohol, ate and watched girls walking from place to place. Keonhee was busy talking to Dongju, and Geonhak was really trying to shake himself.

Maybe he needed some rest. Get away from everything.

So when that one girl looked him in the eye, he didn't wait long. He didn't look back, just followed her.

He deluded himself that he would find peace in her arms and between her legs. He must admit that she adjusted to him perfectly. When he tried at first, she was submissive, but when he lost his patience and wanted to leave, she took the initiative.

She said she understood what was bothering him. She asked him to close his eyes and think about what would please him.

And then her lips on his cock. Hot and wet. Her tongue. And then she took him in her.

He felt it. Excitement. When he closed his eyes and thought what would please him. Who would please him...

She whispered to him that this is the place to let free all fantasies.

And he did it regardless.

The relief he felt wasn't equal to how guilty he felt. Yes, his body was satisfied, but his mind still couldn't find peace.

And when he looked at Dongju, he only felt worse.

He wanted to blame someone, but who? Only himself. He did what he shouldn't do.

And that guilt was tearing him apart. And Dongju's eyes, full of misunderstanding and sadness. He stopped smiling, remained silent, locked himself in his room. He no longer came to Geonhak's bedroom. He was getting further and further away.

Now Geonhak had nightmares. He woke up in the middle of the night sweaty, trying to throw the image out of his head, which haunted him even while awake. Dongju, whose hand he is holding, falls into a dark abyss. He loses him forever.

But what was he supposed to do to prevent this? What was wrong with him? It certainly was bad. It shouldn't be like that.

Keonhee didn't ask, didn't comment. He gave up. They went to the district once a week. Geonhak saw the same girl and it was always the same. His body was satisfied and his heart was dying more and more.

At the end of the month he went there alone. It was something he couldn't control anymore. He just needed it and he gave in to it.

This feeling of accomplishment, sweat on the back, taste of salt in the mouth, and the smell of sperm.

Will his life be like this now? Alcohol and a prostitute?

* * *

Summer was coming fast, the evenings were so warm and pleasant. And he was falling more and more. But one day he stopped before he crossed the border of the district. He felt tired. Something burst in him. It seemed to him that he had not been home so long, although he was there everyday. But he no longer felt it as home.

Not since he and Dongju lost contact.

They passed each other in the corridor like strangers.

Geonhak didn't want that. He felt disgusted. He caused Dongju to stop smiling. He promised to give him a good life, and now he was destroying it. He rejected him and sentenced him to loneliness. He was no different from the people who abandoned him.

He had to fix it. He had to tell Dongju that he was still important to him.

So he turned back and when he came home he felt they had to talk. It is possible that they have a very difficult topic to discuss, but they must. Geonhak couldn't lose him. Dongju was too important to him.

He thought he would find Dongju in his bedroom, but he wasn't there. He looked everywhere, but the boy was nowhere. Geonhak felt panic. Did he leave? Did he decide that he would rather live elsewhere?

"Dongju?" Geonhak walked quickly toward the last room in which Dongju liked to sit and read. At the very end of the house. It was his quiet place. "Dongju!" he saw a glow of light pouring through the open door. "Dongju, are you here?"

"No, hyung, wait!"

But it was too late.

Geonhak stepped inside and what he saw dazed him.

"No, don't look at me!" Dongju tried to cover his face, but Geonhak saw it anyway.

He saw makeup. Light powder on his face, light blush on the cheeks. Red lips and eye shadow. He was dressed in a woman's dress and had a hairpin in his hair.

Geonhak felt his heart speed up, but he couldn't take his eyes off him. Still, he felt calm. Strangely calm.

He came closer.

"I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sure you feel even more disgusted with me!"

"Disgusted?" Geonhak stopped and looked at Dongju huddled on the floor.

"You stopped talking to me, you avoiding me... I wanted to ask what I did wrong, but you refused to talk to me. I thought... I thought..." a quiet sob came from his mouth. "That one day, I saw you. I wanted to go home, Keonhee-hyung was drunk and I went looking for you."

Geonhak felt his knees soften, so he slowly slumped to the floor.

"Dongju..."

"Let me finish, hyung! I can't take this anymore!" the boy shouted. "I saw you with this woman. I saw what you were doing with her and realized that... that it would never be me. But I want it to be me! It should be me! But this... I wanted to believe that if I was beautiful, you would come back to me."

"Dongju. It's not like that..." Geonhak shook his head, blinked, still in shock. "You are beautiful, this is not the point... You are more important to me..." he wanted to get up and leave, but Dongju grabbed his sleeve. He looked at him with those big eyes full of tears. Geonhak felt his heart tremble.

"Am I? But am I good enough for you? I've been feeling this for a long time..." Dongju's fingers tightened on his sleeve. "But I didn't understand until I saw. Hyung..." he approached and Geonhak couldn't move. He was dizzy. "Hyung, can you do the same to me? I'd like to feel it. I want to know how it's like..."

"It doesn't work like that." Geonhak whispered and stared at Dongju's face. The makeup brightened his beauty even more. His lips were so close. He felt Dongju's warm breath on his face.

"But can you at least hold me? I miss those days when you held me close... Please, hyung." he whispered, his red lips getting closer and closer until he touched Geonhak's lips.

Gently, like a rose petal. Sweet and warm. And he smelled so good.

Geonhak felt the wall he had been creating for weeks is now falling apart brick by brick. His fingers trembled, wanting to grab him tighter and pull Dongju's delicate body closer, but he was still afraid.

Warm breath, a loud sigh and another request in a whisper.

The imaginary sound of bricks boomed in Geonhak's head as he grabbed Dongju around his waist and pressed him against him, crushing his sweet lips with his.

Geonhak grunted as Dongju obediently parted his lips and let him stick his tongue in. So good, so sweet. He struggled to control himself.

"No... it shouldn't be like this." Geonhak was breathing heavily, but he didn't let the boy go even a millimeter. "It's not fair. It's not good."

"Isn't it? So why do I feel different? Tell me, hyung, do you really feel this is bad?"

"I feel bad because I felt good. Every day I stepped away from you deepened my guilt. I have difficulty controlling myself, Dongju. It is not possible. We have to fight it."

"Why? Who said it's bad? We don't hurt anyone. Except ourselves. I don't want to suffer anymore, hyung. I feel like I'll die if it lasts longer!"

"No, no, no. You can't die." Geonhak whispered.

"So please don't let me go."

He was already done. He couldn't fight it anymore.

Dongju interested him in a way he couldn't understand, but he couldn't defend himself.

"Never." Geonhak whispered, brushing his red lips lightly, wandering over them. He felt Dongju was smiling.

That smile was priceless.

Geonhak kissed him again. He didn't want to break away for a moment. For a very short moment, there was a thought in his head that it's not okay, but it was very quiet. Too quiet to pay attention.

Slowly and carefully, he pushed Dongju to the floor. He knew they couldn't be together in the way a man is with a woman, but Geonhak understood that Dongju had his own needs too. Geonhak didn't pay attention. He was an adolescent man and it was obvious he needed it. Geonhak wasn't worried about himself now, he wanted to take care of Dongju...

"Do you want to feel good?" Geonhak asked quietly, slipping his hand under Dongju's outfit. Slowly, touching the warm skin, he reached his cock. He was already hard, which surprised him a little, but somehow made him happy. He felt strange pride.

He didn't think about it.

"Ah! Hyung...?"

"It's alright. I'll show you. Just relax, huh?"

"Mh."

He kissed his neck and reached his collarbones. He ran his tongue over them to try its taste. So much time he looked at it and wanted to do it. His fantasies, which he recreated in his head when he was with that girl, came to life again. With the difference that now he could really do it.

He kissed hard, leaving delicate red marks. He wanted to tag him. He wanted him to be only his. He was only his.

Dongju began to tremble and breathe louder. His body was tense. Geonhak's lips tightened at his nipple and Dongju let out a muffled moan. And he started to leak. Geonhak smiled and now he could use the precum to rub him faster and more confidently.

He leaned on his other hand to look at the lying Dongju, who was trembling with pleasure. His face was ruddy.

"Hyung!"

Geonhak couldn't stop. He wanted him to feel good, it made him feel happier.

With every moment, Dongju was getting closer and when that moment came, it lasted a long time. Sperm wouldn't stop leaking. Geonhak smiled and started all over again after a short break.

"Hyung... I can't..."

"You're not done yet." Geonhak whispered and kissed his ear. "And I owe you this. I apologize for everything..."

Dongju moaned and came two more times, one after another, before his cock softened again.

And while he lay there, trembling, Geonhak looked at him and felt relief. He no longer felt this burden. He didn't feel this disgusting guilt. He still thought that what they had done wasn't right, and certainly no one could find out about it, but for now, they had this one brief moment to themselves.

"You feel better?" Geonhak asked when Dongju seemed to calm down.

The boy opened his eyes and looked at him.

"I felt good. It was... amazing."

"I'm happy." he leaned over and kissed those sweet lips again. Nothing would wash away his sins, so he wasn't going to deny what he wanted.

"But what about you, hyung?"

"Don't worry about me. I felt good seeing you were happy."

Dongju touched his cheek, patted him with his thumb.

"Please, let’s never be apart again."

"We won't. But now you need a bath. Come."

"I can't stand up, hyung. I'm still shaking..."

Geonhak laughed shortly and took him in his arms effortlessly.

"My sweet boy."

Dongju embraced his neck and smiled.

He washed his body like the first time he took him under his roof. Only now it was different. There were kisses instead of bites. Dongju didn't miss any opportunity, when Geonhak was close enough to kiss him. On the cheek, nose, lips.

It was fun in a way. His heart suddenly ceased to hurt and instead burned with joy.

After taking a bath, he carried him to his bed and after a few lazy kisses, they both fell asleep in each other's arms.

The morning was lazy as well.

Geonhak wanted to write in his diary what had happened. He wanted to erase those moments of uncertainty and fear and replace them with something good.

Even if it wasn't right, having Dongju with him, he couldn't turn it off.

His hair smelled so good, his body was so warm. He could stay like this all day.

Dongju moved. Geonhak felt him press his nose into his neck.

"Already awake?"

"Hyung... tell me it wasn't a dream..."

"It wasn't a dream."

The boy opened his eyes and looked at him. How beautiful he was. No wonder Geonhak was out of his mind. He couldn't live without him a moment longer.

"Prove it." Dongju asked.

Geonhak just smiled and kissed him with passion. The boy sighed and stepped back.

"I... I thought for some reason you were making fun of me."

"Dongju, I would never make fun of you. What are you talking about?"

"Just... it's too wonderful to be true."

"This is not so wonderful, Dongju. No one can find out. Do you understand?"

"I know." Dongju became sad. "Although I don't understand why. We are not doing anything wrong."

"This is not how it should be."

"Who said that? Who ordered it? Is love forbidden?"

"Dongju, this is not the time for such love. People will not understand it. If you want it to last a bit longer, you can't show anything to anyone. Even Keonhee."

Dongju pouted his lips and embraced his neck.

"I want it to last but I don't know if it's going to be that easy. I want to be in your arms all the time..."

"I know, Dongju... But that's the reality. And now, tell me, did you really think that dressing up as a woman is a good idea?"

"Ahhh, hyung! Please! I still feel embarrassed!" Dongju buried his face in his hands.

Geonhak laughed.

"You are silly."

“But... I remember one thing from my childhood that I always wanted to be a princess.”

"A prince."

"No. A princess. It's possible that something was already wrong with me back then."

"Nothing is wrong with you, Dongju. I think you are the most beautiful person in this world."

Geonhak smiled and kissed him again. Dongju bit his lip and became serious.

"I was desperate. I didn't know what to do anymore. I missed you and felt guilty. I didn't understand why you behaved like that. I passed the exam. Every night when I couldn't sleep, I wondered what I had done wrong. The guilt was overwhelming me more and more, but I did what I could. I smiled, though I didn't feel happy. I thought you had a problem you can't tell me about and that it would pass, but it was getting worse... "

"I'm so sorry, Dongju..." Geonhak embraced him, hid him in his arms. Yes, he also wanted it to last a little longer. "For every shed of tears, for every sleepless night."

"It's okay. I'm not angry. If it was because you wanted to protect me from how you feel about me... I can't be angry. I'm glad it's mutual."

"You're all I need."

"I feel the same to you."

They ate breakfast. And they haven't eaten a meal in such good mood for a long time. They were sitting close to each other, sharing, looking at each other, smiling. It was the perfect start of the day.

Worth remembering.

Later Geonhak had to go to the royal court and he was there until late evening. After returning, he saw that Dongju was in his bed already, sleeping. Geonhak was relieved to join him.

Coming home, knowing that someone so important is waiting for him... has changed his view of the world. He looked impatiently at the lazily moving sun, finally wanting to finish his work and be able to return home.

It was finally a home to him. 

Geonhak wondered how he could solve their sex situation. Because for now giving the satisfaction to Dongju was enough for him, but he was beginning to feel impatient.

He wanted to have Dongju entirely.

He obviously knew how to get out of this situation, but he was more concerned about the technical issue.

He came home earlier that day. This impatience in him was so annoying that he couldn't control himself enough.

As soon as he saw Dongju, who came to greet him, he immediately pulled him close and kissed him until he was almost out of breath.

"Hyung..." Dongju whispered in his lips. "Something happened?"

"Mh... No. But how about a bath together?"

"You don't have to ask."

Of course he didn't have to.

He sat in the tub and Dongju joined him. He sat between his legs and rested back on his torso. Geonhak kissed his arm and neck lazily. Hot water relaxed their bodies.

"Can we stay like this forever?" Dongju whispered.

"We would dissolve."

"I don't care. I just feel so good."

"You don't need much, do you?"

"Only you. And food."

Geonhak snorted and forced Dongju to look at him, then kiss him tenderly and for a long time. In the meantime, he ran his hand over Dongju's body, played with his nipples for a moment, and with the other hand began to tease his cock. It was more and more hard.

Dongju moaned, but Geonhak didn't let him break his kiss. It took him a moment to turn around and Dongju sat on his hips. He moved involuntarily while Geonhak clenched his hands on his ass. He caressed him until he reached the hole. He teased it. Dongju sighed and shuddered.

"Everything is fine?" Geonhak asked.

"Yes, it's just... that's nice."

"All right then let's go on, huh?"

He slowly slipped one finger. Without rushing, he slid it in and out, trying to reach further and further. Dongju muttered without breaking the kiss. Geonhak added another finger, wanting the hole to become flexible and wide. And when he could put his three fingers freely, he knew he could try finally.

"Hyung..."

"I'll do it slowly." he promised, grabbed his cock and began to slowly lead it into the hole.

Dongju was tight inside, he felt his hot interior tighten on him. He hissed when he managed to enter in full.

"Oh, hyung! Oh, hyung!" Dongju moaned, trembling all over his body.

There was no turning back now. It was too late.

Geonhak moved his hips slowly.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes, yes... please... It feels so good."

Geonhak kept his waist tight, trying to control himself, though it was very difficult. He has never felt as aroused as he has now. He had never felt such a shiver go down his spine in a pleasant wave. His stomach squeezed as he kissed Dongju's neck, inhaling his scent. He pressed his lips against soft skin. He sucked, leaving a mark.

Dongju belonged to him and nobody else.

His silent moans and small fingers clutching Geonhak's hair was too much. Geonhak didn't know how long he could take it. He wanted it so badly and finally found a way that apparently worked.

"You are good?" he whispered.

Dongju moaned. He couldn't say a word. His cock rubbed on Geonhak's stomach and it was so hot. There was something very erotic about it.

It was all so intense that Dongju came very quickly. Sperm gushed at both of them, slowly flowing into the water, disappearing. But the boy was still moving. His face was still bliss. Geonhak looked at him in suspense and concentration. He wanted to look at him endlessly.

And also he came.

Dongju flinched and sighed loudly.

"Are you alright?" Geonhak was concerned.

"Yes, hyung... It's hot. Inside. You filled me... and..."

Geonhak kissed him before he finished his sentence. He couldn't hear it. He had to restrain himself already, because if it wasn't for that, everything would start from the beginning.

After bath, Geonhak was wiping his hair while standing in the room, only his hips were wrapped. And then two arms embraced his waist. He smiled involuntarily when he felt a kiss on his back and a warm breath.

He turned around, embraced Dongju's face and kissed him long and tenderly, caressing his tongue with his own.

"All good?" Geonhak asked to be sure and held Dongju's chin lightly, looking deep into his eyes.

"I can still feel you." he whispered and bit his lower lip.

Geonhak felt pressure in his lower abdomen. He sighed and stared at him long and hard.

"We shouldn't do it again. At least not today." he said finally.

"Why? I'm fine."

Geonhak shook his head.

"I don't want to risk that you will be in pain. You are too precious to me... Although yes, I want you again."

"Hyung." Dongju moaned.

Geonhak sighed and kissed him again, this time shorter.

"Not today."

He had to put it all on paper. He described the night and experienced everything from the beginning, and his body reacted automatically.

He wrote long and comprehensively until he put down the brush and sighed, feeling his body burn.

He wanted it. He needed it.

He was too weak.

Geonhak went to his bedroom. Dongju was asleep, lying on his side. He tried to lie down carefully to not wake the boy. But it was all too reflexive. Dongju was too used to being in his arms and did so even in his sleep.

Geonhak felt as he was getting harder and harder.

The more heat their pressed bodies emitted. The longer Geonhak felt Dongju's light breath on his neck.

And then Dongju woke up, looked into his eyes sleepily, and Geonhak felt boy's hand reaching into his crotch. He grunted, feeling small fingers embrace his already swollen cock.

"Hyung." Dongju whispered, wiggling his hand and brushing his ear with his lips. "You really want me?"

"Yes." Geonhak could hardly collect his thoughts, too distracted by the pleasure he felt.

Dongju got up and sat on his hips, moved gently, rubbing against his cock with his thigh. But Geonhak wanted more. He wanted to be inside him again.

But he was paralyzed, he couldn't move, because he was afraid that if he made any move, it would all pass, like a dream. And he wanted it to last.

"Hyung." Dongju whispered in his ear. "Will you promise me something?"

"Anything you want." Geonhak said in a low voice.

"Promise me you'll never be with any woman again. Be only with me."

"I promise. Dongju... I promise..."

He felt the boy's lips fall into a smile, and then he kissed him passionately.

It was still a dream for him.

Returning home, where Dongju was waiting for him and he no longer had to keep this distance, but he could take him in his arms and finally feel fulfilled. He has never heard of such a thing. That a man could love another man so much. The shock vanished and enthusiasm began to take its place.

Geonhak felt that he was able to concentrate more while working, he was happy and glad.

Even Keonhee noticed that although Geonhak was still silent, his eyes glistened with some new glow. His attitude was more confident, and he made many bold decisions that could bring him profit in the future.

Keonhee said that putting so much money in something that you couldn't be sure of was stupid. But Geonhak had a very large plan, and by investing in the army, he could quickly multiply what he had.

He wanted to buy a house. Far away. That he and Dongju could lead a peaceful life away from unwanted eyes, making love. They could have two horses and they could ride every day and not worry about anything until the end of their lives.

He wanted it so badly. He wrote several pages of this dream in his diary, and it motivated him so much. Contrary to how tense the political situation was, he was more and more in love with this boy.

He didn't need anything more. No one else. Only Dongju.

"Hyung." his sweet whisper at night when Geonhak kissed his neck. It was so pleasant. Too strong to make him feel guilty to stop.

Maybe Dongju was right. Maybe it wasn't bad. Nobody suffered, they kept it secret and shared it only between themselves. And why would that be bad if they felt so good together.

"I love you, Dongju..." Geonhak whispered in his ear and the boy moaned. Kissing him, Geonhak felt his cheeks wet. "Why are you crying? Is something wrong?"

"No." Dongju shook his head quickly and sniffed. "I'm just very happy. I'm afraid it's just my imagination." he embraced his neck.

"No, it's not imagination. But I know how you feel. Every day when I look at you I find it hard to believe that you are even real..."

"Hyung? I love you too."

Geonhak smiled.

"I know."

He kissed him again. The mark on his neck was still clear. Geonhak made a trail next to him. He slid lower, licking and teasing Dongju's nipple, until it became hard. He circled it with his tongue, making Dongju moan softly and shiver.

"You're mine." Geonhak said.

"Yes." Dongju answered and covered his face. "I am... Does that mean I'm pretty enough for you? I'm pretty, hyung?"

Geonhak looked at him and raised his eyebrows. That boy still thought otherwise? Geonhak took his hand and they looked at each other.

"You are beautiful, Dongju. Never doubt it." Geonhak looked down at the naked body below him. "I want to mark your beautiful body piece by piece."

"Please, do it..."

Geonhak leaned forward and kissed. He left red marks on his soft belly, next to his navel. He sat back and supported Dongju's knee on his shoulder.

"Where else do you want me to leave a mark, huh?" Geonhak asked. Dongju looked at him briefly, covering his face with his hands.

"Wherever you want, hyung, please..." he moaned.

Geonhak smiled and kissed his knee, then headed slowly toward the groin, leaving marks on his thigh. Sweet, loud, lazy kisses.

Dongju was already very hard when Geonhak reached his lower abdomen. He smiled and was really fascinated and captivated by how beautiful Dongju's body was. Every inch of it.

He took him in his mouth. He licked his head slowly.

"Oh, hyung!" Dongju shouted and jerked his head up, resting on his elbows.

"You don't like it?"

"That's not the point. I... I don't know... it's too much..."

"Lie still. I love every inch of your body and I want to taste you. And I want you to feel good." and when he said that, he took his cock in his mouth again. He sucked slowly, moved his head up and down. At the same time, he slowly slid his finger into his pulsing hole.

There was no water here to use, to make him wet, but Dongju was leaking so much precum that Geonhak used it to prepare him. And when he decided it was finally good enough, he lifted Dongju's knees higher and entered him slowly.

After a while, Dongju moaned loudly and clenched his fingers against Geonhak's thighs. He left red nail marks, breathing heavily.

"Please, hyung, don't stop. There... right there..."

So that was the spot. Geonhak smiled that he had found it. He continued thrusting him energetically, feeling as his body temperature increased. His hips moved quickly. The sound of their bodies made him want more and more. He looked down, feeling aroused at the sight. Shivering Dongju and himself, going in and out.

Dongju asked to touch him and Geonhak did it. And when he moved his hips, he rubbed Dongju's cock at the same time.

The boy turned into a moaning mess. Tears in his eyes, shallow breath, sweat on his body.

He came spurting cum on his own stomach and Geonhak's hand. It was so hot, it was so good, it was too much... that pressure at the bottom of his stomach and familiar chills running down his spine. And he also came, filling Dongju.

He moved shortly afterwards, still feeling that he needed it, until he leaned slowly, taking his lover in his arms.

They stayed like this, connected for a long time, before they took a bath.

Every day Geonhak went to sleep next to Dongju and when Dongju was the first thing he saw after waking up, that was all he needed. There was nothing more valuable than the treasure he possessed.

He didn't care what it might look like from the side. He didn't care if he kissed Dongju too often or if he behaved too boldly to hug him or touch him. He didn't care if they were together every night or not.

Because he knew that Dongju would never betray him, that he was someone he felt confident with. He knew his heart wouldn't suffer. Having a person by your side who you can trust so much is rare.

Geonhak was aware of this.

Dongju also confessed to him once that Geonhak was his comfort zone. That he never feels uncomfortable with him and he knows that he will never be rejected again, until they are together.

Because Geonhak gave him so much. Because he took care of him when Dongju was alone. He endured the hard time and gave him so much love and care.

Yes, Geonhak loved him above all else.

After those many sweet weeks, when it was difficult for them to fall asleep without making love, they finally felt peace and fulfillment. The days had come when lust still existed between them, but it was no longer necessary. It is as if their relationship is at a very important point. The body didn't matter as much as understanding.

They talked a lot. This was also due to the fact that Dongju worked, helping in the translation and archiving of documents. They could share their experiences of the whole day, and then lie down and sleep in their arms.

It was so simple, so easy. Like breathing.

They both understood that being together makes sense when spending time together is an expectant moment after a long day.

Not a sad duty.

It was something very new for them, different. Their way of thinking didn't suit the society in which they lived and it was possible that this brought them even closer together.

Geonhak has never written so much in his journal. He was smiling when he was doing it. He experienced the moments again with joy.

It also happened that his notes were interrupted by Dongju, who sat on his thighs, demanding attention and kisses. And Geonhak would never be able to refuse him.

Geonhak never returned to these entries, and started new whenever he felt like doing so.

At the end of summer, when the weather was starting to be rainy, Geonhak received a letter that worried him terribly. Apart from the political mess he didn't want to think about, the letter reminded him that there was one more thing.

A case he abandoned.

The letter was from an archivist from another city with whom Geonhak had contacted a long time ago. It was about Dongju's origin. The archivist came across Son's surname and was almost entirely certain that the boy Geonhak was asking about belonged to the excluded family.

A family of dangerous traitors who have been convicted of their crime.

Geonhak felt fear.

If Dongju actually came from this family, he was in danger. If someone will think it is so, they will take him away and kill him.

The thought of Dongju's death didn't leave him alone. He couldn't sleep all night staring at his calm face. Geonhak became tense and nervous. That fear started to consume him from the inside, taking his mind.

"Hyung." Dongju's voice came to him late. "You are doing it again."

"What?"

"You're cold. Distant. What's going on?"

"Ah..."

"We promised something..."

"Yes, I know, I know." Geonhak embraced his face and kissed his lips several times. That sweet sound that Geonhak couldn't get enough of. "I just got a very disturbing report and I wonder what to do about it. I can't tell you the details to protect you." Geonhak embraced him. He wanted to hide him in his arms from the whole world. "But I think I have a solution. Don't worry, hm?" he asked and smiled at Dongju.

The boy sighed but smiled back.

Geonhak knew it would require a very large amount of money, but he was ready to pay it.

He had to leave for a few days in this case. Dongju seemed nervous and unhappy. He didn't want to be home alone.

So Geonhak asked Keonhee to stay with Dongju while he was away. His friend agreed without a problem, and because he was a trustworthy person, Geonhak could set out to end this story once and for all.

And yes, it cost him a lot of money, but the Son family file was lost. This family never existed. And that was enough for him.

After that, he wanted to get back to Dongju as soon as possible, he wanted to embrace him and be sure that he was safe.

But his way back was hampered by rains and heavy storms. Almost a two weeks passed before he saw his Dongju again, and that time seemed like a millennium to him.

"Hyung." the boy had tears in his eyes as he approached him quickly. He finally embraced him, and Geonhak pressed him tightly. "You finally came back..."

"Sorry, Dongju. The road has turned into a muddy swamp. I wouldn't be able to get here sooner, but I promise you I'm not going anywhere. I will never leave you again." he smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

It was very short, however, because Dongju moved away slowly.

"Keonhee-hyung is here. He sleeps, but... I don't want to risk it. I will also sleep in my room." he wanted to leave but Geonhak stopped him and kissed him hard.

It took a while before they moved at the same time, but with a smile.

"Welcome home." Dongju whispered.

They made up for their longing the next night. And it was a long and passionate night.

Dongju was safe. Geonhak hoped that nothing would separate them again.

Geonhak felt the tension for several more days before he was completely sure that his beloved was safe. He felt so much warmth in his heart, he felt so fulfilled when he looked at Dongju. Sometimes he realized that he was excited by the mere fact that Dongju existed.

Every evening when he fell asleep holding him in his arms, every lazy morning starting with loud kisses... that was all he needed to live. He didn't need to eat or drink.

Which was extremely exaggerated and he knew it perfectly well.

But all summer and all autumn, his heart was filled and although this time seemed so short, he was beginning to believe that they really had a chance. Yes, in secret, but it was better than living in complete denial. And what he had already tried and was close to madness.

But even in the land of eternal sun there were stormy days. Sometimes, when the work put pressure on them, they could argue for any reason.

Dongju usually showed jealousy and teased Geonhak in a way that couldn't be avoided.

And Geonhak simply remained silent and ignored Dongju.

But it was too painful. Because after some time they remembered that what unites them can end at any time.

A quiet apology and keeping hands long and without words. Dongju sometimes shed a few tears. And Geonhak wiped them without a word, tenderly.

Besides, Geonhak didn't want to argue. He didn't want to waste a minute, because the political issue between China and Japan was getting tense and their country was between all of this.

And all this was gaining strength, and if they could count on normality, then only at home, only when they were together, when they made love until late at night, or when they simply didn't have to feel uncomfortable.

The whole year was a paradise Geonhak was never to experience again. Because he, being outside, knew that the world was changing and that would also affect their country. He was afraid and tried to hide it, and hiding anything from Dongju hurt him. Even if it was for his good.

It happened very quickly. Carefree days of hidden love, ardent desire that would seem evil to others, worthy of annihilation. Days full of sun, shadows that long lashes cast on ruddy cheeks. A smile that could warm up even the coldest evening. Whisper, brushing the ear.

It was a dream for Geonhak.

* * *

And this sweet dream came to an end with the end of July 1894.

Their country became a tender product.

Chaos was everywhere. Political noise caused headaches, people fled their homes, abandoned their families, took their own lives.

There was no time for love. A few words and a few glances, but nothing more.

And it lasted and lasted until April next year. As if winter lasted a whole millennium and deprived people of hope and souls.

China lost the war with Japan. And all the influence that China had from Korea now belonged to Japan.

Some even dared to call it humiliating loss.

The Quing Dynasty has lost its prestige.

Geonhak knew, however, that this also meant a personal defeat for him. Everything he hoped for, everything he dreamed of was also in ruins. He felt strangely numb when he came home. He sat on the threshold, his body was strangely heavy, like lead.

The silence and brightness of stars above his head frightened him. And the longer he stared, the closer and closer it seemed to him. Ready to crush him and everything he loves. He saw burning flames that burn and melt. But he felt no pain. Or did he want to feel pain? Maybe the pain will cause him to wake up and everything will be as before. He wanted to wake up. He wanted to scream but that scream was only in his head.

He felt hot tears on his cheeks and wanted to look away. Why was he so afraid? Because everything he loved was out of his hand, as if it had turned to dust.

He was in this trance, in this pit of regret and fear, until he felt a touch. He flinched and wiped his tears, he wanted to hide it but it was too late. It was too late for everything.

"Everything is lost." he whispered. His throat was tight, he could barely make a voice.

"What is lost?" Dongju asked.

"Everything we had..."

"Hyung?"

He couldn't hide it. He could not.

He looked at Dongju. The boy looked scared. Did Geonhak really look so pathetic tonight?

"I wanted to give you so much. I wanted us to live together without fear... Far from here. But that's impossible." Geonhak looked at the stars once more. "And maybe our fate was sealed from the very beginning, we were just too stupid to see it."

"Hyung, let's go inside. I don't understand what you are saying..."

Geonhak didn't move.

"I invested money. I wanted to make more of them to buy a house for us. On the small island of Sindo. Maybe we could have horses..." he fell silent.

"Hyung?"

"Ah, I invested money in something that lost value. The influence of our country now belongs to Japan. And I left money in China."

There was silence for a moment.

"You want to say..."

"I have nothing. I have failed, Dongju. You should leave while there is time. You still have the chance..."

"No." Dongju interrupted him.

"I have to leave this house. I can't afford to stay in it. I'm also expelled from the royal court, I have nothing. I'm bankrupt." he looked at his hands. "My father's hard work was wasted because of my inadvertence and stupidity. The house that has belonged to our family for generations is now being taken from us. I was punished... It must be some kind of punishment."

"No." Dongju said calmly and sat closer. "Hyung, you still have me. I won't leave you. I have money. Also the ones you gave me from the very beginning. I didn't spend on anything I didn't need. We'll have enough for a while. We'll live modestly, that's all. And that's not punishment, because none of us did anything wrong. We have no influence on what our leaders do. The only thing we have influence on is our own measure of happiness. And you are my happiness, hyung. You saved me. I will not leave you because otherwise I can just die."

"Dongju..." his voice was barely audible.

The boy just smiled and embraced Geonhak's hand, kissing his shoulder.

"As long as we're together, I believe that everything will work out. And now just let me sit here with you and you just let go of that regret."

Geonhak couldn't answer. He bowed his head and let tears fly, hoping the flames would stop burning him from the inside.

He doesn't remember how he fell asleep.

He only got a glimpse of how he got to bed. And when he woke up, Dongju wasn't beside him. He wasn't sure what time it was either.

He wasn't feeling well. His thoughts flooded in and he began to feel the weight in his chest again.

This house, everything he knew...

He left the bedroom and stood in the hall leading to the exit. He didn't know what to do, where to go. His head was filled with noise that made no sense. He was breathing hard, as if there was no air. His body was trembling.

What was he supposed to do now?

"Hyung! Hyung, you should stay in bed. You have a fever..."

"Dongju..."

"It's all right. A lot has happened, you need to rest."

"It's all right? Will it ever be all right, Dongju?"

"Yes. We have a place to live, everything is already established. But now you have to lie down. Ah, please, hyung!" Dongju raised his voice.

He frowned and had that look on his face.

Geonhak snorted and touched his cheek.

"When you get angry, you're even more beautiful, do you know that?"

"Maybe because you make me angry all the time. Especially when you don't listen to what is being said to you. Was I also so annoying when I was sick?"

"You were worse..." Geonhak smiled, running away to those moments. To the land full of sun.

"That's enough. You go back to bed." Dongju grabbed his arm and led him to the bedroom. He helped him lie down. Geonhak felt his skin burn.

"How long... What is the day?"

"April 21." Dongju adjusted his cover. "It's been two days since you came home and you got sick."

"We have to leave."

"I took care of everything. Please, trust me and rest."

"I trust you. I trust you with all my life... But please, tell me. I need to know."

Dongju sighed.

"I went to the teacher's house. I said what happened. They will take us under their roof. Since yesterday Keonhee-hyung has been helping me move our personal belongings. But we need to leave a few things anyway... The house now belongs to the royal court as a pledge..."

"Yes, I understand. But a teacher?"

"He didn't even hesitate. He said that your family always helped his family. Thanks to you and your generosity, he got rid of many problems and now he wants to pay back the debt." Dongju looked at him more gently. "You said it was a punishment. But this is a mistake of others, and we are only victims of a political game, hyung. We must survive. And we will. Now, sleep."

Geonhak felt like he was swimming. His body didn't seem to belong to him at all. But he reached out and touched Dongju's cheek. He seemed cold compared to his burning hand.

"I almost forgot what your lips taste like..." he moved his thumb to Dongju's lips, stroking them gently.

The boy smiled and kissed his hand, moving away.

"There will be time later. I'll wait until you fall asleep."

Time.

Funny thing.

It can't be caught. Cannot be controlled. It can only be observed and measured, but in the end human will always try to catch up with it, to find out the truth at the finish line that it was him being chased all the time.

A grim reaper waiting for every tear, laughter, dearest memory and breath. Until nothing is left.

Geonhak slowly closed his eyes until Dongju became more and more blurred. As if it disappeared under water, whose depth was getting deeper and deeper. But it was Geonhak that was drowning in that black and cold surrounding. He floated motionless, unable to move. In the distance, before him, he saw Dongju. He was surrounded by a delicate aura of light, he was smiling but he was so far away. More and more.

Geonhak reached out for him, but it was impossible to catch him.

And this dream sowed in him the seed of anxiety that accompanied him even after waking up. And many days after that.

The days changed into weeks.

It was still there. Stone in the shoe. Thorn under the nail. But impossible to remove.

Geonhak remained weak for a long time, and all he could do was write his journal. He described everything that happened because he wanted to remember.

His journal reminded him of the magic box. Box of his memories of Dongju. Because only in that way he could be near him.

Living in a house that didn't belong to them, they had no freedom. They couldn't even look at each other for too long. They sat separately, avoiding being alone.

And when they went to sleep, sharing the room together, they looked at each other in pain, touching their hands in silence. And that was all they could afford. The longing was unbearable. It entwined them like ivy, pushing them away.

Keeping it all in the journal was the only form that gave small relief. And slowly, day by day his mind became clearer. He needed to find a job again. He will get back on his feet again and take Dongju away from here, where they can be together until the very end.

* * *

Geonhak knew it wouldn't be that easy. He had a hard test ahead of him, but he had enough motivation to move on. First, he decided to sell most of the things he didn't need. Thanks to this, he could invest in small things. Keonhee's mother could make delicious bibimbap, so Geonhak tried to sell it in the street in small portions. He gave most of his money to Lee's family for helping him. Now he owed them. He didn't want to hear the refusal. If he managed to earn more, he saved.

He enjoyed working with food, especially when he was able to hire people to help. Keonhee kept telling him that he would quickly recover what he had lost. That he has an innate gift.

But Geonhak didn't believe in such things. He didn't believe that everything was given. If he won't sweat himself, then there was no success.

The laborious construction of what he lost lasted three years. He still wasn't where he wanted to be.

He and Dongju still lived with the Lee family, especially since Dongju became ill again and became very weak. Geonhak suffered inside, hiding it behind a mask of brotherly care, but the truth was that he was gasping for breath. He wanted to scream and hit the ground with his fists, calling to all the gods of the world... but he was silent. He suppressed this fire within himself that was burning him alive from within.

He wanted to love Dongju, he wanted to kiss him and be with him all the time. So many times he just wanted to say it out loud to everyone, but Dongju stopped him with one look. How did this boy become more sensible than he?

But one thing kept his heart hot and alive. The fact that the feeling between them was still going on. They kept their hands in silence every night.

It was a long and patient wait, so it had to be true. It wasn't just what their bodies wanted, it was something much stronger and deeper. At least Geonhak wanted to believe in it.

During these three years they managed to steal only some time for a few quick and sudden kisses.

And only once they managed to be close, although they couldn't be together as they wanted, but at least they could touch each other. Feel the desire and passion.

The whisper "I miss you" hurt. It hurt more than any wound.

Nothing is given to us.

Geonhak knew this very well, so he was not surprised when, after all, their relationship also began to change.

In mid-1898 he received a job offer that he could not refuse. He was a cook, a craftsman... but thanks to the development of the country many new opportunities appeared and Geonhak knew that he couldn't reject them.

He felt bad that he left Dongju when he became seriously ill again, but he did it so that they could finally live freely. Together.

Geonhak left Dongju for the first time and he never really forgave himself. It was a wound that never healed, because he believed that this decision caused a series of events that followed.

While Geonhak worked all day, Dongju remained under the care of Keonhee's mother and his sister, Hyeonhee.

And of course these two came closer to each other. It was natural, it was desirable, and what's more, the Lee family enjoyed it very much. Geonhak noticed this and though the thorns reached deeply, he slowly got out of the way. It's possible that this was how it was supposed to be. It may be better this way.

He loved Dongju too much to deprive him of his choice.

That was all he could do.

He also had to do something else.

"Ah, hyung. You don't have to leave." Keonhee wasn't pleased.

Geonhak smiled and put his things in the bag.

"Of course I have to. I've lived here long enough. And I can afford my own place."

Keonhee sighed and leaned his back against the wall, folding his arms over his chest.

"How is it called again?" he asked.

"Tram. And I believe it will revolutionize the way you travel around Hanseong, you'll see."

"Hm, I don't know. For now, track construction seems to be going on forever. But yes, I hope so. I don't want it to be a blind shot for you again."

"My previous investment was badly planned, but the failure wasn't my fault. It taught me many things. Now I'm sure it has a future. This time the investment will pay off."

"I hope so. You can always come back here, you know it."

"I know. Thank you very much for that, my friend." Geonhak patted his shoulder.

"Dongju knows you're moving out?"

Geonhak froze.

"No and I would prefer..."

"This is stupid. He is your brother, you have to tell him. Treat him like an adult. Any day he will be someone's husband."

Geonhak clenched his fists on his shirt, which he stuffed nervously into the bag and sighed. The thought drove him crazy, but he had to stop himself.

Even if the thought seemed terrible to him, he hated it, was jealous, wanted to do so many stupid things. But he kept all this in his mind. He had to change how he felt. For the good of Dongju.

"Then I'll tell him today." he said eventually. "I have to talk to him anyway."

Keonhee touched his arm and left him alone.

Geonhak closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was afraid.

Dongju sat on the opposite bed and was silent for a short moment. Geonhak didn't dare look at him. He was still afraid. He was afraid that he would not free himself from the charm of these large eyes and long eyelashes. These sweet pink lips...

"I know why you didn't want to tell me, hyung. But I'm glad you're trying to do it." Dongju spoke unexpectedly. Geonhak dared to look at him because his voice was so calm, but he saw tears in his eyes.

"It's harder for me than you think."

"Why don't you want me to move with you?"

"Dongju..."

"Say it out loud. I don't read your mind, hyung."

"I don't want to take away your choices."

"My choice is obvious. Only you matter. Only you."

"No, Dongju. What about Hyeonhee?"

Dongju closed his eyes and sighed, hiding his face in his hands. He rubbed his eyes for a moment and then looked at Geonhak again.

"I don't know how I feel about her. I don't know anything. I'm lost."

"That's why I want you to find out. Besides, you have a wonderful future with her. Family, children..." Geonhak whispered. But at least once in Lee's house, usually full of people, they had a bit of freedom. There was silence.

"I don't know if this is what I want, hyung. I know it would be reasonable, but this is not what my heart wants. I think..."

"Dongju." Geonhak leaned forward and put his hand around Dongju's neck. "You'll never know if you don't try. I've seen you together. I've seen how delicate something is born between you two. Don't kill it prematurely."

"But what about us?"

"We never existed, Dongju. I told you that this is not our time. Maybe someday, in another world. And this, it was... a dream. A beautiful dream. But yes, I will always love you. And I'm very proud of you."

"Why?"

"Because you are very mature. You used to make a loud scene when you were angry." Geonhak smiled and admired his features for a long time. Then he got up and Dongju did the same.

"Can you kiss me? For goodbye?"

Geonhak knew that if he did it, he wouldn't be able to leave. That the selfish monster that was asleep in him would wake up and begin to wreak destruction. No, he couldn't kiss him as Dongju wanted. Geonhak also knew it was a trap he was trying to set.

He embraced the face of Dongju, who parted his mouth and looked at him in anticipation, but Geonhak kissed his forehead, then leaned his own against them and closed his eyes.

He could smell the sweet smell of his love.

"We will see each other again." Geonhak whispered. "This is not a final goodbye." Dongju gripped his wrists. He breathed quickly, almost desperately. "I promise we'll go to Sindo again someday, we'll take the horses and visit this little hill. Until then, allow yourself a normal life. Hyeonhee, she's a sweet girl. And she took care of you very much."

"Hyung..."

"For a very long time you only had me, Dongju. Now you have so many more people around you who care about you. Don't reject them just because your heart is trembling at the moment. Soon it will calm down and you will see... Goodbye, Dongju."

Geonhak stepped back, took his bag and quickly left the Lee family home. He couldn't stop, couldn't turn away.

The pain became more bearable the farther it went.

* * *

The first tram appeared on May 1, 1899. And in September the route was extended to Jemulpo (later Incheon). Geonhak was right this time, because this modernization turned out to be a real source of income and he could have had a peaceful future for many years now.

He paid off every debt he had. He could even return to the royal court and regain his family's home. He bought the house and did everything so that no one could take it away from them in any way, and then gave the house to Lee's family.

He didn't accept the refusal.

They could decide what to do with it - live in it or give it to Keonhee, who was also soon to marry.

He also never returned to the royal court.

Geonhak thought he still had a lot of time, but the letter forced him to speed up several plans. Even if he didn't want to.

It was a hot summer in July, 1900, Geonhak arrived at the threshold of the Lee family home. He greeted everyone politely and saw Hyeonhee standing at Dongju's side. He smiled at both of them, though sharp claws tugged at his inside.

"I once promised Dongju a trip. But since he is getting married soon, I thought it was the perfect time. Especially since I'm going away too... Hyeonhee, I hope you let me kidnap your fiancee for a few days..."

There was no refusal. There were only blushes and smiles. How pure and innocent this creature was.

No wonder Dongju chose her.

The wind gently moved his hair as he sat on the hill. The sunset looked amazing as the orange glow reflected off the sea.

And Dongju, sitting next to him. His features became more expressive and sharper. He was even more beautiful than Geonhak could have imagined. This moment was similar to the one when they were here for the first time. Only now, Dongju wasn't sitting in his arms.

That made it seem so empty.

As if something important was missing in his life.

They sat in silence until the sun almost completely set.

"You are getting married too." Dongju's voice seemed sharp and low. Geonhak felt a thrill.

"Yes. Daughter of a Japanese investor..."

"I don't care." he said angrily. "I don't want to know who she is..."

"Dongju."

"No, hyung. It's just too much. Yes, I chose to marry Hyeonhee. Because I will do what you taught me."

"It means?"

Dongju looked at him. The flash of the sun stopped in his pupils, illuminating them with golden particles.

"I'd rather break my own heart than anyone else. I can't leave her. She loves me."

Geonhak laughed, but it was a rather sad sound.

"We both end up with broken hearts then."

"I want to go back." Dongju got up quickly.

Geonhak also did the same and soon they were both in their saddles on their way to the rented, small house.

It was dark and late when they finished grooming the horses and went inside. Geonhak lit a small lamp and felt Dongju embrace him from behind.

"It's a dream, right?" the boy asked quietly. "For two days and two nights..."

Geonhak sighed.

"Yes."

He turned and hugged him, kissing him hard. A wave of chills that pierced his body almost knocked him off his feet. Hands desperate for buttons. Breath that stopped halfway and a quiet moan.

"Wait, hyung, wait..." Dongju panted, but didn't pull away even a little. He opened his eyelids, Geonhak felt as his eyelashes tickled his cheek. "I don't want this dream to pass too soon. I want to enjoy it... As long as I can..."

Geonhak smiled and though he wanted to rip both of their clothes off, he held back and, oddly enough, found consolation at this painfully slow pace.

It was like redemption when he could feel the taste of Dongju's lips again, when he could smell his skin, when he felt his touch. Fingers wandering on his back, tightening on his hair. Muscle tension when he was thrusting.

Geonhak wanted time to slow down even more. He wanted to admire Dongju sitting on his hips, who was moving rhythmically, rushing in pursuit of pleasure. He wanted to feel his silk skin under his fingers a little longer.

He wanted to embrace him for a few more moments.

He wanted to kiss him forever.

Dongju leaned forward at the same moment, as if he were longing for the same thing.

Did they really know each other so well? Did they really want the same thing? Such a pity, it would be easier if it was only Geonhak. It would be much easier.

They turned away, indulging in a long series of delightful elation.

Soon their hair was wet and the skin glistened with sweat, but they couldn't stop.

Until the moon was high in the sky and the stars seemed to spin.

"Why are you awake, Dongju?" Geonhak stroked his cheek, looking at his face in dim light.

"I'm afraid to fall asleep. I know we still have all day and one more night ahead of us, but still... I don't want this dream to end."

"Don't be silly, Dongju. Sleep. We have time."

"Not enough." his voice trembled.

"Enough to experience this dream to the end. Close your eyes." Geonhak whispered and pulled him closer. But he also couldn't sleep because he just wanted to look and admire him.

This morning can be compared to those that were at the beginning. Lazy, starting with kisses and gentle caressing. In the light of the pale morning this dream could last for some time and they didn't have to worry about anything. Not yet.

A few more kisses, hugs and smiles that had no price or consequences.

They spent the whole day riding a horse and said goodbye again on the same hill.

Geonhak didn't have much thought. Slowly he began to feel numb.

But one thing he wanted to say here and now.

"I have to apologize to Dongju. I promised you a home here... I used to invest, if only I could fulfill this promise, but fate stood against us."

"I was afraid it was because of that. Hyung, you sacrificed so much to me, and I wasn't always fair to you... I'm sorry too. Although I still think that maybe Dongju should have gone and you should have married a quiet Xion." Dongju smiled sadly.

"That wouldn't be wise. It wouldn't end well. I would never want you to pretend to be someone else."

"But you gave me that name, hyung. It would still be me... And I would be only yours."

Geonhak snorted.

"it would come to light sooner or later. No matter how painful it is, being here with you like that makes me much more happy... Because we never lied to each other, Dongju. We never took everything for granted."

"You know, hyung, I really hate this world. A world where you can't freely love because you will be damned for… it must be hell. We live in hell and we must feed ourselves with dreams. Dreams that will soon cease to exist." Dongju turned his horse and started down the slope.

This night was different. It was sudden but sometimes slow. Where there were nail marks on the skin, there were gentle kisses after. Kisses that turn into purple marks.

Wild, quick moves, as if they were possessed by demons... when Dongju was kneeling and Geonhak kept his hips firmly. He thrusted him hard, and the splashing sound of their wet bodies drove him crazy. This was the primal need when he kissed his lover's back, licking sweat. And when the same lover was submissive and gentle at one time, and he was demanding at another. He held Geonhak's hands high, moving wildly, moaning. He bit lip when he kissed, bit ear when he whispered.

Everything was spinning around. Too fast, too intense. The night seemed to brighten too quickly.

Geonhak also felt his heart falling apart more and more.

He lay down next to him, breathing hard. His skin was still hot, but he felt cold air coming from the open window. A small hand found his torso.

"Hyung... more." his voice was hoarse.

"I can't, Dongju... If I do, I won't be able to leave you."

"So let's run. Let's run somewhere far away... To another country. Maybe there is a place where they won't care about our stupid love."

This time Dongju's voice was on the verge of collapse. Geonhak looked at him.

"It's just a dream, remember?"

"No! This pain is too real! I can't do it, hyung! I can't... I can't..." he said more quietly. "I'm not strong enough..."

Geonhak hugged him tighter.

"You are strong. And I know you will still be very happy, Dongju. I can see you as a father. How much you will love your children, how much you will be able to teach them... You were a great joy for me. Now you will see how it is to get it back. And you won't regret it." he stroked Dongju's wet arm and kissed his forehead.

He wanted to give him as much consolation as possible, but the truth was that he didn't know if that was enough. Geonhak knew that this dream was once again coming to an end. This time - forever.

When Dongju fell asleep, Geonhak got up slowly and sat down at the desk, opening his diary.

_Sindo, end of the time._

_It's still night. Warm, quite. The moon can be seen very clearly..._

_This is my last post._

_My life was empty before I met Dongju. Then it was filled with care and love, and finally with unexpected desire and another side of love so deep that I still can't believe it._

_It was our last night together. Everything was intense and wild, without shame. It is as if our bodies know that this will not happen again. I'm most fascinated by pain when I look at his sleeping face. I don't know if such pain can be described. What is the name of the person who lost his soul mate? Only love? The meaning of life?_

_I don't want to let him go, but I have no choice. His life is an open path and I have worked for it myself. I can't take it from him. I can't be selfish no matter how much I desire it._

_I know Dongju hates this world. He told me that. But he will never know how much I overcome this feeling. I'm disgusted by going back to everyday life and looking at other people's faces, knowing that every smile is fake._

_Ah that cruel world, full of hateful souls. And here is me, fortune's fool. I believed, for one brief moment, that we can run. And oh demonic fate, he said it this night. He asked me to run away and I can't even describe how much it was for me, to resist it. I hate to be reasonable. I hate that he is too important to me. Really, he is ready to break his own heart. Same as me._

_My sweet boy. My one and only._

_Sometimes I had doubts as to whether keeping these diaries makes sense, and yet I have done it very carefully in recent years. Pages to which I poured my longing for Dongju._

_Even now, as I write this, my heart hurts, falling apart. I don't know if I'll ever take a deep breath after all this. I don't know if I can ever love again._

_It hurts to lie to him. It hurts me how I let him down... I didn't keep all my promises, but I managed to bring him here to Sindo. We managed to spend the last moments together before he went his way._

_I still think about Dongju's anger when he talked about my marriage. Somewhere deep in my selfish self, I felt joy that he was jealous. This is cruel. I'm cruel. Maybe I should leave much earlier. Well, it's too late now. I would like to tell him that I can easily keep one promise._

_I promised him once that I would never touch a woman again, and it would be so. This Japanese girl means nothing to me. And she knows that she can't expect anything from me. I will give her a good life, I will respect her. But I can't give her love or children. I just won't be able to._

_But if I say this to Dongju, he would also try to do the same, and I know he likes Hyeonhee. I saw it clearly and it gave me relief!_

_I have so many mixed feelings. Anger, jealousy, joy, despair... Everything at once, wraps me like a thicket of thorns. Clamps harder, penetrates the skin._

_I would give anything to be with him, but this is not our time._

_I have to deal with it as much as he does._

_But I want it. I want all that pain. Just to remember it was real, it was alive. It was ours._

_In the morning I will wake him gently. He will be whining, he will want to sleep longer, he will want kisses. I will convince him that the dream is coming to an end. Our beautiful dream. He will definitely have a crisis. I know he will cry and I will have to hold back my tears. And I will tell him that when we pass the door, going outside, everything will really be just a dream._

_I'll watch him get married and then I have to disappear. Quick without warning. If I stay even a moment longer, everything will fall._

_I hope that there will come times when we will meet again. In another life, in another world. I would like to remember all this and find him._

_I would like to remember how important it is to enjoy every moment you have, because it can disappear forever faster than we think._

_I enjoy every memory of the rising sun that shone in his hair. I enjoy every moment when I could hold him close and feel full._

_I regret that I can't save his smell or voice, but I only have to entrust it to my own memory. I hope it won't let me down._

_I hope..._

_It's time. I don't know when the night passed._

_It's time. I will wake him up. The most gentle way I can._

_Goodbye._

Geonhak closed the journal and returned to bed. He smiled weakly and stroked Dongju's cheek at the same time the sun looked into the room. The boy shifted.

"Dongju..." Geonhak whispered.

"No." soft voice.

"It's time."

"No, not yet." Dongju sighed and embraced Geonhak, burying his nose in his neck.

"It's dawn, Dongju."

"No, it's the bright moon. Let's sleep more. Or just lie in silence. Just close together."

Geonhak closed his eyes and kissed his temple, wanting to remember the smell of his hair. He also wanted it to last longer, but they didn't have that much time. Not anymore.

Geonhak will again have to be all the more cruel one.

After a few moments he pulled away slowly and dressed. He left the door open and went to prepare something to eat for them, although he was absolutely sure that he wouldn’t be able to swallow a bite.

Again the same. Arms embracing him from behind.

Silence.

"I can't do it, hyung." quiet whisper.

"Of course you can, Dongju."

Geonhak turned and looked at him. Tears formed red streaks on his pale cheeks. The boy shook his head.

"No, I can't. I can't live without you. I'd rather die..."

"Dongju!" Geonhak raised his voice. He sat down in the chair and looked at him, holding his hands. "Dongju, you are stronger than you think. I told you that you would have a good life. I did everything to ensure it for you."

"I'm not as strong as you are. I've never been. I regret I met Hyeonhee. If it wasn't for her, we could have run away..."

Geonhak sighed.

"I told you that it wouldn't be possible. There is no place for us in this world. But I believe that we will meet again, at another time. But now, there is a good girl waiting for you and a good life with her. You will see. Trust me."

Dongju didn't look convinced. They sat in silence without eating too much. Geonhak himself remembered their first morning together. Sweet kisses and smiles. And it hurt. But he wanted this pain. Because even if he called it a dream, this pain reminded him that it was real. As he wrote in his journal.

Later, Dongju went to prepare the horses, and Geonhak tried to erase all traces after their two nights. He made it look like two people were sleeping in two different beds.

Dongju was standing in the front door when Geonhak finished.

"Horses are ready."

"Fine then, let's go." Geonhak grabbed the bag.

"Wait, hyung. I know this is coming to an end, but please... please... kiss me. Last time. But not on the forehead, not on the cheek..."

Geonhak released the bag without a word, put his arms around him and kissed him.

Deep and tender as he could, holding him close with his all strength. And then, he embraced his cheeks and brushed his lips gently, loudly.

"And now, when we leave through this door, it will all be a dream." Geonhak whispered. "There is a new exciting path ahead of you, Kim Dongju. No, don't cry. It's enough..." he embraced him, hiding him in his arms.

"I want to remember that." the boy whispered. "Your smell and touch and voice. Every detail. But yes, it's all a dream. The most real one. That one just before you wake up."

"Everything that united us will stay behind this door, on this island..."

"Like our bleeding hearts."

The last kiss and Dongju came out first through the door, slowly turning his back on him. Geonhak saw him get on his horse and wait.

Geonhak took a deep breath and also crossed the threshold, closing the door quietly behind him. And like a silent click on the lock, he closed his heart and memories deeply.

The taste of Dongju's lips faded too quickly.

* * *

* * *

[Seoul, 2020]

Hwanwoong had to face many difficulties at once in a very short time.

But going back in time for a moment - the school wasn't very kind to him, mainly because he was one of the shortest people and basically everyone was giving him comments on this subject. In a more or less malicious way. He was asked how old he was and where he lost mommy. It was annoying, but Hwanwoong survived it because he had his best friend next to him.

Kim Youngjo.

And he was always there when Hwanwoong needed it. When he felt bad, Youngjo was always ready to support him and help him.

Thanks to this, Hwanwoong felt at ease in his company and there were never any boundaries between them, despite the age difference. It didn't matter to them.

And Hwanwoong felt really lonely when Youngjo went to the army after leaving school. It was a long period of time when he learned to cope alone. It gave him a bit of confidence, but he realized that it wasn't the same without Youngjo. Hwanwoong did things very slowly and he thought for a long time before making any decisions.

It made his life difficult more than once, but he couldn't get rid of it.

And finally he came to a moment in his life, which was called adulthood. And he didn't like it very much.

Going to the army was stressful for him, but his parents pressed for it.

"Everyone has done it, you must do it after you finish your studies." he heard it most often. Though he wanted something different. His plans meant nothing to his parents at this point. And it was painful. As if they didn't know and didn’t care how terrible it is. How discouraging and cutting out all plans. No friends, no things you know.

He just didn't agree with that. Cutting off two years from human life. For what? He didn't see the point.

And after that a series of events happened, which he called Four Unfortunate Encounters with Youngjo-hyung...

First meeting. They were going back to the dorm.

Youngjo surprised him with his confession. Not that Hwanwoong didn't suspect it, there were some signals he could see very clearly. But it was all joking around until he called it for real. So it was like a thunderbolt. And he panicked.

And at this point in his life - that was too much. All this stress, arguing with parents…

Too much emotion, too many things at once.

And he couldn't process so many things and emotions at once.

He didn't want to destroy their friendship. Hwanwoong didn't want to go into something he wasn't sure about. Youngjo was his friend. They've been inseparable since school, but were there any bigger emotions?

He wasn’t sure.

Hwanwoong couldn't sleep because of all of this. He had trouble sleeping that much, that he needed doctor’s advice. Pills helped, but it didn't erase his thoughts. He knew that sooner or later he would have to confront his hyung.

Because having Youngjo-hyung in love was a really big challenge.

And the question: “sometime in the future?" - what does that even mean? What did he expect Hwanwoong to do? And how would Hwanwoong know? They were both guys for God's sake. But of course it didn't matter.

But maybe Hwanwoong treated him too harshly? Asking them not to see each other for a while? He saw how much this confession cost his hyung. Especially when he didn't say anything to the wind, he just spoke seriously.

_Ah, what was he supposed to do?!_

Second one. After the end of the school year.

They had hardly ever seen each other until then, and Hwanwoong had a lot of time to think. He was looking through his phone, where he had lots of photos and videos. On every photo and video when they were together he was laughing. And he remembered how happy he was.

Even if Youngjo did something stupid, like being too close or holding his hand too long... Hwanwoong still loved his company. Did that confession really discourage him so much?

Impossible.

For some time Hwanwoong suspected that all these events weren't accidental. Nor were they intentional, his hyung did it many times without knowing it.

Cuddling, suggestive stares. Several times Hwanwoong escaped for fear that he might be kissed. As when they were on a school trip and Yougjo with a kiss wanted to wake up their group. Hwanwoong jumped to his feet, though he could barely open his eyes.

Because he didn't want to be kissed.

Or maybe he didn't want to be kissed in this place with everyone around?

Youngjo-hyung was a handsome man. He lacked nothing and had magnetism that attracted many people. Both boys and girls. He refused all of them.

And now Hwanwoong refused him.

This is the worst love story scenario ever. Hwanwoong hated it so much. He didn't want to be that kind of character.

And yet, the confession scared him. And he didn't know what to do. But he certainly couldn't cross out everything because of fear. He had to give it a chance.

Therefore, knowing that they will see each other at the end of the academic year and that they will drink, he will say that he agrees to a trial date.

He had to agree. He had to try, otherwise this deadlock won't disappear and they will be avoiding each other forever. Hwanwoong will avoid Youngjo for fear of hurting him, and Youngjo will accept all this, even suffering himself, because he respected Hwanwoong. Because this type of person was Youngjo. He always put others above himself.

So they finally met.

Hwanwoong drank a little and became more talkative. He knew what he wanted to do, but he needed a bit of fluid courage.

And he was honest. He still liked Youngjo, but he wasn't sure it was love. Still, the longing was there. And he agreed to this date and said he was afraid that this friendship might end and he remembered how fast his heart was beating when he spoke.

How all this was unexpected and sudden. As on one hand, he finally wanted to go somewhere and spend time together. On the other hand, he wanted to run away and hide.

Why did he have to think so much about it? Why was it so hard?

Because if Hwanwoong won’t try, he won't know. 

And so, after a few drinks, Hwanwoong agreed to... a date.

Although he was still terrified, what would happen if he didn't feel anything? He really didn't want to hurt his friend. They had a lot in common, but it can divide them very quickly. And he didn't want to. On the other hand, how could they be friends like they used to, since Youngjo was already in love?

_It's frustrating!_

And there it is. His diminutive name.

Woongie.

Only Youngjo called him that and in truth he hadn't done it for centuries and Hwanwoong in some sense missed it? And how was Hwanwoong supposed to think rationally and soberly? How was he supposed to focus on himself if his life turned upside down?

But this nickname was something that warmed his heart. Same with a Peanut. Hwanwoong knew that Youngjo had his phone number saved as a Peanut.

And it was cute. Although Hwanwoong would never admit it openly to him, he liked it. He liked this nickname the most.

Of course Youngjo didn’t want to waste the time with "what if”. And it was understandable.

They held their hands and Hwanwoong felt how warm it was. It was so... natural.

Should it be like this?

He was never entangled in any affair. He didn't know how to behave. Yes, he was dating, he even had sex already, but Youngjo was a completely different story.

He was... his _friend_.

Their hands together and all that conversation was going in the direction where Hwanwoong stopped feeling quite confident, so he changed the subject.

He said about his plans. That he wants to find an apartment and a job because he believed that he won’t go to the army immediately after graduation. He wanted to start something and have something of his own. Even small. And he believed that parents will understand that too.

Hwanwoong believed this very strongly, even though his parents wanted him to begin military service right after graduation. It was a constant fight. Many missed calls and unread messages, because Hwanwoong didn't want to hear or read it. When his stress reached too high and he realized it, he blocked his parents' numbers.

He never thought it would come to this.

Never.

And yet. They gave him an ultimatum that he couldn't reject. The fact was that he had no money. And life in Seoul wasn't cheap. They'll give him money to start to live on his own, if he goes to the army as they want.

His father was harsh, but it was his mother who sat next to him and said more gently: go, son, and get it over with.

And Hwanwoong gave up because he knew his life would be a constant torment if he opposed. And he didn't want to live on the street. And this is where this was going to.

And just when he had the courage and wanted to start a series of “trial dates” with Youngjo, he had to block it all again.

It shouldn't look like this.

It is as if Hwanwoong was playing with Youngjo's feelings and it was awful. But he will tell him, explain... Youngjo will understand. Maybe it will be better? They will spend time together, say goodbye and it will finally end.

Two years is a lot of time. Youngjo might as well find someone else, right?

But why did the thought piss him off so much?

Was he such a selfish person?

And so the third meeting came.

Before that Hwanwoong had a serious crisis and almost sent the message few times that he had to cancel. Every reason was dumber than the previous one. Finally he just left the dorm because the thought of how disappointed his hyung would be was too devastating.

So he went.

He had to tell him about the army anyway. It was his parents' decision. They didn't give him much choice.

He saw him waiting there, reading something on the phone. Hwanwoong didn’t immediately realize that he was just standing and looking at him. And he enjoyed this view. If it wasn't for the dog barking somewhere nearby, he would still be standing there, hands in his pockets, and staring at his hyung.

Ah this hyung.

Cinema. Classic.

But the movie was fun, popcorn was tasty, and Hwanwoong got dragged away for a moment by forgetting about all the problems. He wanted to focus on spending time with a friend. That he had the right to have fun here and now.

Then they went to eat something and it was always fun to eat...

"Hyung, why do you always order malatang and then you complain that it's too spicy. This is ridiculous!" Hwanwoong laughed at Youngjo's faces and how his eyes filled with tears.

"Because it tastes so good... Don't judge me!"

"You'll fart after that."

"No, I won't."

"You always fart." Hwanwoong waved his hand and stuffed his nose. Youngjo wanted to get up, but the bench was too close to the table, so he just threw a napkin at him.

It was even funnier because of it.

Then Youngjo unexpectedly led him to his favorite place with Bubble Tea. He even remembered what kind of tea Hwanwoong liked to order the most. Of course he remembered.

It was Youngjo. He knows such things. He never forgot about birthdays or even small facts that could matter to someone else.

How easy was it to fall for him? Very easy. Almost unnoticeable.

At the end they went to the amusement park. No crazy attractions, because Hwanwoong's height didn't allow him to go on most of them.

Unfair. He was an adult. So what if he was short? This is exclusion.

But it went without extreme rides.

There were other things they could do and height wasn't a problem.

They laughed and fooled around, as if nothing had happened. It has always been this way. It was easy being together. Fun.

Plush toys weren't his favorites, but Youngjo won one and gave it to him. And it was really huge. Almost bigger than him.

Of course hyung told him to carry it. It was revenge for him being malicious. But... because Youngjo was an extremely noble person, he relieved Hwanwoong and took it.

They sat on a bench.

It was getting late.

And the moment has come when Hwanwoong must ruin everything. He wished he had said it at the beginning. Youngjo certainly ignited hope, especially since this evening was very successful. Even Hwanwoong believed that romanticism would be just an addition, because they were already close together. They knew each other so well.

He hated himself. He should have said it right away.

And because of this one and only thought it was over, all the reality that was waiting for him reached Hwanwoong.

So he spit it out.

The knowledge that it was any day, all this fear and hopelessness overwhelmed him and said that he was afraid. He said it because Youngjo was the only person he could talk to about it. And he knew that he would receive consolation from him.

Youngjo took it calmly. Hwanwoong didn't expect anything else. Youngjo did what he always did. He gave him comfort, tried to make him feel better and give him confidence. It ended up being a joke that Hwanwoong was running away from him to the army. Funny thing, because Hwanwoong would rather be with Youngjo at the moment than go to the army.

His hyung also mentioned Kim Geonhak. He came across his name while he was still studying. Sounded like an interesting story. It’s possible that this has helped Hwanwoong the most - ensuring that something normal is still waiting for him after the army. Even if this story can be boring at the end, he will love to hear it.

They were on their way to saying goodbye, Hwanwoong asked Youngjo to keep the plush toy for him and then... THIS happened.

Youngjo-hyung did something that shattered the entire wall that Hwanwoong tried to build.

He was hopeless, one way or the other, but he tried.

With a _kiss._

Hwanwoong defended himself against this for so long, he assured himself for so long that he didn’t want it, and it happened anyway.

It was short, gentle, warm. It was like the sun's touch on a warm afternoon...

_What the hell?!_

And when it was over, Hwanwoon couldn’t move. He just stood and watched, and Youngjo smiled and stroked his lips with his thumb.

And then he just left.

Just like that, he left Hwanwoong alone.

He didn't remember how he arrived home. He played the scene in his head all the time, almost all night, and even during breakfast.

What's that supposed to mean? Maybe it was a dream?

No, it wasn't a dream.

His stomach squeezed every time he remembered those hot, full lips on his own. It was awful and wonderful at the same time.

He kissed many times, but he never felt like he does now. It never affected him so much. They were always just kisses. But now?

What was he supposed to do now?

Everything seemed so gray and pointless. Was it only summer when he was with his hyung?

He wanted to talk, wanted to send a message, but gave up every time.

It didn't matter.

Nothing will be the same when Hwanwoong returns from the army. Too much time will pass. So he will carry with him the memory of this kiss as one of the nicest things he had.

As if that wasn't enough, they cut his hair.

The whole military thing was still a ghost until this. Until he sat in the barber chair.

When he looked at every strand of hair falling, he felt everything lose sense.

The final, fourth meeting. Just before Hwanwoong’s leaving.

And when Youngjo-hyung came to the meeting, his face, when he discovered that they were not alone... It was embarrassing. Especially since Seoho-hyung was really unbearable with his teasing them.

But Youngjo behaved so naturally. He closed the topic of hair that they would grow back and they'd better order something because he's hungry.

Hwanwoong's despicable mood radiated broadly from him, and Seoho-hyung seemed to enjoy it the best. He was like a nightmare. He was feeding on it. What could he know? Seoho was a person who just did certain things and didn't think about it for too long. It doesn't matter if it was stupid or not. Once, he almost wasted all the ice cream because he turned the cup upside down to check... God knows what. Gravity?

Seoho did questionable things, but no one asked questions. He went to the army fastest of the three of them. He got the job the fastest and he had big profits fastest. Okay, Hwanwoong knew that Seoho had a good voice. He sang almost all the time, until ears began to bleed, but he didn’t expect his friend would achieve such great success. And Hwanwoong didn't know how he did it. Maybe he just had more luck than reason.

But Hwanwoong was unable to deal with his shit this time. But Youngjo did it. He filled Seoho's glass again and again until he had to go to the toilet almost all the time.

Hwanwoong could breathe for a few moments.

With relief, he reached for the last piece of meat at the same time as Youngjo. It was so stupid. As if it were some stupid drama.

Conversation, conversation. Yes, Hwanwoong wanted one so badly. Because Youngjo deserved it. Because he was so kind. Crystal clear. Hwanwoong was leaving literally tomorrow, and Youngjo still thought he didn't need an answer or explanation.

How could he be so calm? How could he keep all his nerves inside? How did he control all this? Hwanwoong was one step away from panic. He wanted to be alone with Youngjo.

He regretted that he invited Seoho-hyung.

Damn, he even wanted Youngjo to kiss him again!

Maybe they can leave... just go somewhere else...

Seoho came back and sat down heavily, drunk as fuck. They changed the subject. Let Youngjo say something about this mysterious Kim Geonhak...

But Seoho always had to ruin everything. Even if it was supposed to be just silly jokes, the thought that Youngjo met a woman drove him crazy. It was just too much for him.

But as usual, Youngjo saved him and saved the whole situation.

Seoho tried to reflect, joking at the very end, but Hwanwoong didn't want to smile at all. The only hope was that if it will be still worth something, they will return to this conversation.

"Hyung, I hope it will be worth something. I think... I think I would like it to be."

That was all he could say.

For once, he wanted to shrink even more just to be able to hide. But that would mean that he could never leave his hideout, and that was out of the question.

After all of this, Hwanwoong turned off thinking.

The army took him two years. When he had a pass, he sat at home with his family and didn't even admit to anyone.

It was cowardly, but what else was he supposed to do? And it wasn’t easy since he already lived in Seoul. He had to avoid the city center and places where he could meet others.

He had no other choice. He wasn't ready to meet Youngjo-hyung again.

His thoughts were not clear at all.

But with one he had to agree, after a few months he began to appreciate the routine. He knew what to expect the next day. He had tasks to do that he could focus on and improve day by day.

He focused on it completely, worked hard and saw progress.

Youngjo didn’t lie.

It wasn't easy, but in some strange way it became healing for Hwanwoong.

And before he noticed, it was all over.

His mother was right. The day he left the army was like being born again. The air smelled different, the food tasted different, all faces seemed different.

He was... happy. Stronger.

He liked himself, he liked his body, he liked the confidence he gained. He was even ready to face the new challenges that awaited him.

Even Youngjo.

If it was still worth something. Was he more certain? No. But he was ready to talk about it. And it was a big thing to him already.

After a short vacation, where he could finally spend time with his family without any troubles or tensions, it was time to move into the wide world.

He went with great confidence but life didn't spare him at all either then. Hwanwoong made a mistake and the money his parents gave him to start living on his own... were lost.

Not that someone had stolen it from him, Hwanwoong just wanted to be smarter and he made a big mistake.

Just before going to the army he found an apartment and made a large advance payment to make sure he would have a place to live. Until then, the apartment could be rented, but when he returned, it would be free for him.

And it wasn’t.

Same with money. And the owner blamed Hwanwoong, because he didn't sign any contract.

The work he was interested in was lost, although he was promised to wait until he returned from the army. So he was also jobless.

Of course, he couldn't have had more bad luck.

He was sitting at the subway station and wondered if he would just go home and admit what he did. But he had caused so much trouble to his parents before that he didn't want to see their faces. He just couldn't. He still had friends in Seoul, so nothing was lost. He just needed a place to sleep.

All his friends were out of town, busy, or renting a small room somewhere.

Well, there was also Seoho. He had a huge apartment in the Gangnam District. That brat born under a lucky star.

But there will definitely be a piece of floor for Hwanwoong...

**_Hello Seoho-hyung. I hope you are not too busy. Can I ask something?_ **

He waited for some time, hoping Seoho wasn’t too busy at this time. But he just sat at the station and stared at the subway lines.

**_sup?_ **

The answer finally came. Typical Seoho.

**_Can I stay at your place for a few nights?_ **

**_Im not at home. Dont you have your own???xD_ **

**_I can’t be there rn! >.< ok I understand. _**

**_And when will you come back?_ **

**_Hard to tell Im promoting now..._**

**_but I can ask one of my managers to let you in._ **

**_He has spare keys. All OK?_ **

**_No! I mean it's ok, I can handle it._**

**_Dont bother really. Thank you_ **

**_Ask Youngjo_ **

Ask Youngjo - it shouted at him in big, red alert, letters.

Of course. How long can he avoid him?

**_Hello Youngjo-hyung,_**

**_sorry for bothering you but I have a request… I_ **

**_need a place to sleep bc I cant go home..._ **

It sounded so dramatic but it was already sent. Too late to change it.

The answer came almost immediately.

There were no unnecessary questions other than whether he needed transportation and to let him know. And the address.

Kim Youngjo was a noble man. Without a doubt.

Hwanwoong was so tired when he stood at the entrance to the building where Youngjo-hyung lived. It was also getting late.

Seeing hyung after such a long time will be so weird. Especially after what happened between them.

These emotions, confession, kiss... It was too much, too much! How is he supposed to behave? Hyung agreed to help him. Of course he agreed. He had a crystal heart, and Hanwoong knew that perfectly well.

He was the villain here. Was he or not?

He was so confident not that long ago. He was ready to talk, and now? He was shaking inside. Fate pushed him towards Youngjo, whether he liked it or not. There was no other explanation.

They were some nasty, malicious spirits that...

"Hello."

He flinched when he heard a familiar voice. His heart was beating so fast that he felt dizzy.

"Is that all you have?” he pointed to the bag Hwanwoong was holding. “You're so pale... You must be so tired. Come in, I just ordered food."

He was so honest and cheerful. Always. Walking sun. But did Hwanwoong love him? He was his friend. He was sure of that. He would let it be cut for him.

But love?

Not... yet?

"Sorry for the mess, but I'm in the middle of packing."

Hwanwoong raised his eyebrows and closed the door behind him when they were at place. It was a very simple apartment in a block, several floors up. Perfect for one person. Good that Hwanwoong took up little space.

"Packing? Are you leaving?"

"Yes, the company sends me to Japan for a bit..."

"Ah, that's fine. Say when, I'll look for another place..."

"But what are you talking about? You will stay here in my absence." Youngjo smiled. "Water the plants and feed Sunny."

"Sunny?"

Hwanwoong blinked, even more confused than before, until he saw Youngjo picking up a white ball of fur.

It was a small dog.

"How tiny he is! Hi tiny one." Hwanwoong couldn't hide that he was enchanted by this creature. Sunny was really cute with two small black pairs of eyes and pink tongue.

"I like tiny things." Youngjo added without hiding the allusion. Hwanwoong pursed his lips slightly and stroked Sunny without commenting.

He was too tired for this at this moment.

"So when are you leaving, hyung?"

"Tomorrow. I wrote you what and how on the board. It's on the fridge. The apartment is not big, but I would like you to feel at home."

"But hyung..."

"No buts. I want you to stay here. I had a problem with Sunny and you sent me a message that you need a space. This is no accident. Now, do you prefer to refresh yourself or eat first?”

“A quick shower will do.”

“Okay.”

The bathroom was equally small, but the shower did a good job. And when he returned to the room in more comfortable clothes, he felt how hungry he was.

They were sitting on the couch, various programs were broadcasting on television.

It was so relaxing. Being near Youngjo. He was so calm and quiet.

"When you were in the bathroom, I changed the sheets. You will sleep in the bedroom." Youngjo said.

"Hm?" Hwanwoong looked at him surprised.

"I have to get up early so I will sleep on the couch to not wake you up. You look exhausted. You need to rest.” and he smiled softly.

Youngjo-hyung has always been this way.

A devoted friend, always ready to help. No matter what. Not once Youngjo dragged anyone who had a problem with him. He was cheering up. He gave his own clothes and money, although he didn't have much. Even now. He gave Hwanwoong the whole apartment.

“Thank you, hyung.”

“Your welcome.”

They ate in silence, glancing at the TV from time to time, where one of those stupid programs with k-pop idols was playing.

But they had the chance to talk a little more. They didn’t talk for so long. There were many topics they should clarify.

"You look like you are enjoying this job, hyung." Hwanwoong started.

"Oh yes! It really suits me. This trip is unexpected, but the company is developing a lot and I'm going there to gain more experience. I don't want to run too far, but maybe it's a chance for promotion."

"And would you stay in Japan permanently?"

"Ah no, I don't think so." Youngjo laughed. Something twitched in Hwanwoong.

"Will you be away for a long time?"

"A month."

"A month!"

"It's really not as long as to think about it."

"I can't stay here that long, hyung..."

"But I don't even want to hear it! Someone has to look after Sunny. I will be calmer that the person I trust is here. Besides... Good to see you, Woongie." smile. This bright and radiant one. "You look good. Despite your tiredness. It's good to have you back."

"Yes... I'm happy too." he nodded and he saw the chance. “Hyung, we have things to discuss.”

Youngjo looked at him gently, chewing his food, and smiled. There was a strange tension in the air, but it wasn't bad. Things began to take shape. Eventually.

"If you feel the need, let's talk."

Hwanwoong took a deep breath.

"Ah, well, so... Has your position on the two of us changed? Because it's kind of important..."

"I'm where we finished, Woongie." that smile again.

Hwanwoong wanted to die. His heart was beating so fast and his hands began to sweat.

"Okay, so you still..."

"Woongie, I haven't stopped loving you if you ask."

"How can you say such things so freely, ah hyung!"

"Should I be ashamed that I love you?"

"No! But... it's... Ah, I can't explain it. It's just very embarrassing."

"All right. So I will ask. What is your position towards me?"

And here Hwanwoong was put up against the wall, but he couldn't blame anyone because he allowed it at his own request.

"You are my friend."

"I hope so."

"And I really like and respect you, hyung."

"Mhm, it's nice to hear that."

"I don't know anything else, I'm a simple man, but... I..." he took another breath. "I think it doesn't hurt... to try?"

"Woongie, you think too much." Youngjo laughed. "I'm not asking you to marry me. For me, being with you is just a one step, because I would love to hold and kiss you. And yes, I would also like to do other, more intimate things. But you have to check how many steps you need to let me do it."

Hwanwoong felt pressure in his stomach and a tingling on thought that Youngjo would kiss him and do other things. It wasn't unpleasant, but very surprising for him.

"Ah, I know. I'm hopeless." Hwanwoong whined.

"No, you're not. You just need more time. I think this is a big progress so far."

"Is this what you call progress?"

"Yes. You don't run away, you want to talk about it openly. You don't get angry at me for being honest about what I feel."

Hwanwoong bit his lip.

"Hm, yes. Maybe somewhere deep I would like... the same as you."

Youngjo's eyes flashed. He looked different. His gentle face took on other features. He looked sharper.

"I'm glad to hear it." even Youngjo's voice sounded a little different. It became deeper. "I won't be here for a month. I'll call from time to time. And you'll be able to get used to it and we will try that subject again when I get back. What do you say?"

"It works for me."

"Nice." Youngjo nodded.

Hwanwoong did the same.

And for a short moment only the TV was heard.

"Hyung, what about this Kim Geonhak’s story? Did you find it?"

"Oh, you remember? Yes, I was able to find and read. It was a long journey and quite sad, but that's the reality. I have a copy if you want to read. But first, maybe you can tell me what happened, huh?"

"What happened?” he needed a moment. He literally forgot about the whole world. That is what Youngjo was doing with people. “I'm really dumb. That happened." he shook his head. "I had a job, they promised that “they will wait”. Bullshit. They hired someone else a few months ago. The apartment that I had booked for rent... was rented literally a few days before my arrival here. The owner didn't contact me at all, although I sent him an email with a question. And when I finally got him there, he blamed me for not signing any contract, that it's a word against word, I gave him money by myself so it was my decision and my fault..." he sighed. "I hate myself. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I sign any contract? I don't know, please don't ask. I still understand the thing with that job, because it was vacated sooner than they had planned and they needed someone immediately. It's fine. But... I'm so pissed at this thing with an apartment. How dumb you have to be to be scammed like this?"

"Did you tell your parents?"

"Of course not! They would kill me. They are convinced that I live in my place. So I have to find a job quickly, although I know that I won't get all that money back."

Youngjo shook his head.

"You acted carelessly, but such things happen. Don't worry now. You have a roof over your head and you can stay as much as you want."

"No, I can't. When you get back, I have to find something..."

"But why rush here?"

"I won't take your bedroom, hyung. You can't sleep on the couch."

Youngjo smiled strangely. Hwanwoong didn't even want to ask what it meant.

"You don't have to worry at the moment, Woongie." Youngjo said. "Rest a day or two and start looking for a job. Then we will think about this apartment, okay?"

Hwanwoong nodded.

"Thank you, hyung. Really."

"You're welcome." Youngjo patted his shoulder.

"Do you have contact with Seoho-hyung?"

"Sometimes. He's been a very busy man since he started his career. He doesn't reply to messages for weeks, and then suddenly asks if you listened to his latest song." Youngjo rolled his eyes. "But running your own music agency and promoting yourself at the same time is not so easy. However, sometimes I wonder how he does it..."

"I was thinking the same! When I see his professional photos on covers or on billboards, I want to laugh because I still see this Seoho-hyung who was dropping ice cream or pulling his hat over his face like an idiot."

Youngjo laughed and it was that warm and cheerful laugh. Hwanwoong missed it. And he was surprised that he didn't reject this thought.

"Seoho is a one-of-a-kind persona." Youngjo said. "But I'm glad that he remained himself with his friends."

"Yes, he is still an unbearable brat."

Youngjo snorted.

"It's hard to disagree."

"Mh. And what do you tell me about Sunny, hyung?" Hwanwoong stroked the dog that lay between them.

"I have him for about a year and a half. When I was at home with my parents, I woke up and he was already there. He was lying on my stomach. He was even more tiny."

"It's... so cute."

"Yes, my mom didn't want me to feel lonely. And because this is a small dog... I'm able to take care of him."

"I like dogs. They're awesome."

"I remember once we went to this dog's cafe. You totally went crazy."

"Because dogs are awesome!"

"Then I'm happy. You and Sunny will definitely get along. But now it's time for me to go to sleep."

"Yes, right. So I'll go to this room and... I will probably sleep soon as well."

Hwanwoong took only a few things out of the bag and he was lying on the bed, scrolling through the sns when he decided he would use the toilet last time before sleep.

He went and didn't consider that his hyung might be there, so when he opened the door and saw Youngjo standing in the towel and looking in the mirror, he almost fainted. The image of a damp body and steam in the room overwhelmed him.

He immediately closed the door, feeling all his blood flowing into his face.

"Hyung, uh! Ah I'm sorry!"

"Woongie? It's okay... I'm not naked." Youngjo laughed nervously and opened the door. "Do you need to come in?"

"No!" Hwanwoong covered his eyes and began to walk toward the bedroom blindfoldedly. "I'll go later. Sorry! Sorry!"

He tried to calm down, but it was too hard. Hwanwoong never thought about it, but Youngjo had a really good body. And he felt that pressure again at the bottom of his stomach as soon as this scene appeared again in front of his eyes. It was like a hit with a hammer.

How did he have trouble remembering the school stuff, and within that one second he managed to remember the details of this scene. How single droplets of water slowly ran down the muscle lines on his hyung's shoulder was terrifyingly too erotic. And the hip line on which the towel was held up. One small fold held the towel in place. One small fold kept his sanity.

What if the towel accidentally dropped? Why is he even thinking about it?

His imagination tried to be very malicious at this moment.

Hwanwoong was afraid he wouldn't sleep, but Sunny snuggled into his side and something in this little creature made Hwanwoong calm down. It was perfectly comfortable, not too warm and not too cold.

The apartment smelled like Youngjo. Like his cologne. And fabric softener. It was nice. Cozy. Like home.

He was a little afraid that he would dream of a towel, but luckily he did without it.

When Hwanwoong woke up he was already alone in the apartment.

He wasn't sure how long he slept and he was a bit surprised when he saw it was noon.

Sunny demanded food, so Hwanwoong fed him and made a sandwich for himself. He read the list of the most important things hyung mentioned, but there was also a letter on the table.

_Woongie,_

_Sunny has food for the whole month. But since I didn't expect anyone, the fridge is quite empty. Please, use the money I left. I don't even want to hear you whining. I can afford to share with you. Focus on finding a job, and when I come back I will consult a lawyer about this apartment. Because it's very strange. Maybe you can get your money back. Rest. Go for a walk with Sunny. Come back to life, Woongie, because I saw you probably need it._

_I'll talk to you soon, Youngjo._

This hyung really. He did everything so openly and honestly. Hwanwoong asked for a place to sleep and got a lot more. And he also had a dog.

Sunny was a nice companion. Walking with him was what Hwanwoong needed. His thoughts began to fall into place, though he still felt restless. He still thought he should do more and not live on his hyung's account.

His hyung.

He thought about it a lot. About their conversation, about their relationship. On the one hand, being with Youngjo could be a paradise, but on the other hand Hwanwoong was terrified that his friend would become his boyfriend.

It sounded so ridiculous.

Hwanwoong definitely didn't feel he deserved it. Especially after how terrible he behaved. It doesn't matter that Hyung confessed so suddenly. He shouldn't have turned his back on him or ignored him.

In the evening, Youngjo sent him a message to make sure everything was fine. Hwanwoong said yes. And that's it. No unnecessary talk. And he appreciated that hyung gave him a bit of space, although it was his apartment, of course.

But sitting with a phone or watching stupid programs was what Hwanwoong needed to get back to the world of the living.

So Youngjo was right at this.

The first two days passed lazily. He mainly ate, slept, played with Sunny and watched TV.

But just before he was about to go to sleep, Youngjo called him...

"How are you, Woongie?"

"I'm fine. I was just planning to go to sleep. Sunny is already asleep."

"That's good. I really want you to rest and feel comfortable."

"Mh, it's weird though, but I feel really laid back here. I can't explain it. This apartment is really nice."

"It really is!" Youngjo laughed.

"And you are okay, hyung?"

"Yes. Today I had a whole day of lectures. I'm a little dazed, but everything looks promising. I want to be better and better to work more efficiently."

"Mh." Hwanwoong felt depressed.

"Hey, smile. You will find a job, don't worry."

"I just don't want to live on your account, hyung."

"We're friends. Friends support each other. Now stop whining because I'm offended."

Hwanwoong rolled his eyes.

"Fine." he said eventually.

"Great, good boy. Now go to the bookshelf and look for the album with the red cover. This is Geonhak's journal. Can you see it?"

Hwanwoong stood up and went to the bookshelf looking through the book spines, until he came across several albums, but only one was red.

"Yes, I can see it."

"So if you want, read it. I'll talk to you again, but now I really need to get some sleep."

"All right. Sleep well, hyung."

"You too, Woongie."

Hwanwoong looked at the album for a short moment. He wasn't sure if he wanted to read, but Youngjo seemed so crazy about the story that it might be worth checking out.

But he was also interested in other albums, so he looked in there.

And it turned out that they were photos from their school days. He kept so many memories and each was described with a date and place and a short note. Seeing those awful hairstyles and the time when all of them, Youngjo, Seoho and he were going through puberty... well, it was fun and terrible at the same time.

So many memories, good memories. Hwanwoong felt his heart warmer with each page. He was usually close to Youngjo in these photos. Even then, he was inadvertently drawn to him. Hwanwoong remembered all this.

But he hid the feelings that accompanied it, and now they reappear.

Hwanwoong sighed and put the albums back on place, taking only Geonhak's journal with him.

He glanced at the first few entries and hesitated. It was reading someone's diary, no matter that he was already dead. It's still very private, and yet... human curiosity is sometimes stronger and people like to have insight into the private space of others.

Also, as Youngjo once mentioned, this story was addictive. More and more, since Geonhak found the boy and first called him Xion.

However, he was also starting to worry a lot, because although he was getting messages, something was definitely wrong.

**_Hyung, I dont wanna disturb u. But r u okay?_ **

He waited for a response until really late. He wasn't worried, he just couldn't sleep because it wasn't something that was normal.

Youngjo called every day, sometimes just to hear Hwanwoong's voice, which was a bit weird, and now he suddenly stopped?

It wasn't normal.

The answer finally came, but it was very short:

**_Everything is ok. I'm going to sleep. Good night._ **

How tired he was? What if this job absorbed him that much? What if Youngjo ends up like most people? Hwanwoong didn't want him to be a workaholic.

It wasn't healthy.

And workaholism was so common in their society.

It lasted all week. Hwanwoong was starting to get irritated and his head was flooded with thoughts that he didn't like. He was angry that Youngjo didn't call. He really was angry?

He shouldn't. Hyung let him live here, he gives him money although he doesn't have to. And Hwanwoong couldn't even find a job!

He sat there, reading a diary of a man who had died a long time ago and felt emotionally attached to him, although it was utter idiocy. Why did he care so much about the emotional life of a man he didn't even know?

Though through these journals, Hwanwoong was able to know him. He saw the face of love, he never experienced.

And one fragment stuck in his head:

_"If I had to choose between a simple life and a life full of uncertainty and fear... I would prefer this second life. Because the simple life that I lived for so many years led me directly to emotional death. I would close my eyes to many things that brought me little joy. If I didn't accept my love for Dongju, it's possible that I wouldn't learn to appreciate how important people are in our lives. And sometimes, when it seems to us that we will always be alone, this one and only person appears. And this person becomes most important to you. One day without even a small talk or a smile is torture. When thoughts only revolve around that person. When that person is the first thing you think about when you wake up. When you are sure that this person is the most kind, the most beautiful human being in the world. Then you know. Then you have to know. There is no other way. And acceptance opens so many doors. Not only voice and thought, but also the presence of the other person it's absolutely fundamental to your existence. When is the last thing you see, when you go to sleep and the first you see when you wake up. Then you know that this life is perfect. Even if sometimes difficult and painful - it is real. I know that my life with Dongju will not be long. At some point our paths will have to diverge, I will have to let him go slowly, but for now... he is only mine. And I'm his. And I will carve it in my heart to remember."_

This fragment was shortly before the crash in 1894.

Hwanwoong's emotional state was like a swing. On one hand, he knew perfectly well that he didn't need many steps to let Youngjo enter his life. On the other hand, he still defended himself and denied it.

The reasons seemed more and more silly to him.

So he followed Geonhak's way of thinking. Hwanwoong asked himself a few questions. And to his horror he answered yes to all of them.

And he understood what Geonhak was talking about. About this uncertainty and fear. That was the last question he couldn't answer yet.

Which life would he prefer?

It grew in him more and more, gathered in his throat as if he wanted to scream. In his mind he saw everything that Geonhak had. And it wasn't about the moment when he lost money and lived under the roof of his friend, no.

It was the beginning of the end. He had to go back to a simple life and he had to give up on Dongju. Hwanwoong felt pain when he read about how they had to be content with keeping their hands quiet at night. How they had to avoid looking. They even refused a short kiss. They even denied each other a short kiss, because they knew that if they crossed the barrier they had set, their end would be even faster. They had to be reasonable. They forced themselves to focus on the head, not the heart.

He still felt it grow in him. Frustration. Anger.

When he reached the end of the journal, he felt injustice. To these two and to him. He couldn't take it anymore. That hyung doesn't call, that he can't make a phone call himself, because he lives in constant denial, not letting himself think that he may be in love with Youngjo.

And he can be for a very long time.

And why did he deny? Why didn't he allow it? Was he really afraid that their friendship would suffer? How did he even know that something might go wrong?

He had such an easy life. Maybe he couldn't walk on the street, holding Youngjo's hand, and they certainly couldn't kiss everywhere, but what did Geonhak and Dongju experience? It didn’t concern them. They were much more free.

Hwanwoong felt like he couldn't breathe because of all of it.

Did he really... love him?

He was so confused. Hwanwoon was so concerned about this possibility that he began to search the internet. He even did some quizzes. How stupid and desperate do you have to be? And although these quizzes were stupid, the questions were quite accurate.

Do you think about this person all the time? Yes.

Do you enjoy being around your friend? Of course.

Are you staring at your friend? Almost all the time.

Are you jealous of your friend? Sometimes.

Do you have butterflies in your stomach when you are close? A whole bunch of butterflies.

Do you have dreams about your friend? Yes.

And here Hwanwoong needed a moment, because dreams began quite recently and it was a bit embarrassing. It's possible that it was simply the fault that he was very emotional about Geonhak's journal and his relationship with Dongju. In addition, he was worried that his hyung was working too hard. He just worried overall.

But these dreams were real and it began innocently, and then their bodies were naked and Hwanwoong felt kisses on his neck and the rest of the body and these were scenes he couldn't forget. It was even worse because he wanted more and he was waking up with a boner.

And of course at the very end of each quiz the answer was: yes, you are in love.

And it was so abstract to him for some reason.

He had to check it out. He had to make sure. It could all have been a mistake and he could have hurt Youngjo.

And here comes another question from the quiz: do you care for your friend above all?

And Hwanwoong knew that he would rather suffer himself than hurt Youngjo.

First test. 

He took the phone and when the time was right he dialed the hyung's number.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Woongie, are you okay?" Youngjo's soft voice sounded in his ears.

"I wanted to ask you, hyung!"

"What? Why?"

"Because you don't call me anymore. And you rarely let me know."

"You could also call me or send a message." his laughter was equally gentle and soft. "I'm fine, but I'm very busy and when I get back to the hotel I fall asleep almost immediately. Are you and Sunny well?"

"Yes."

"Do you have enough money? Do you need something?"

He sounded like he was asking his family about all this. Hwanwoong felt his heart beat fast. He nervously plucked the pillow he was holding on his lap.

"We have everything we need... I was just worried, that's all."

"Ah, you didn't have to. But it's nice that you're worried and that you called. Because you don't usually do that."

"I know. I'm terrible."

"No, you're not. But I'll be back on Friday."

"So soon?"

"Yes, as planned."

"Is it already a month?"

"You lost track of time or what, Woongie?" soft laugh again. "Do you read the journal?"

"Yes. I've already finished. I don't feel good about what the last entry looks like. I don't like that they had to separate."

"They didn't have much choice."

"Mh." Hwanwoong was silent for a moment. "Today it would probably look different."

"Probably. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Ah, no, no. You are tired, hyung. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. And it was good to hear you were doing well."

"It was good to hear you too." that wasn't what Hwanwoong meant, but he didn't say anything because at the end he needed to stop lying to himself. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Good night."

"Good night."

And so the first test was positive. He had butterflies in his stomach, he noticed the timbre of Youngjo's voice like never before, and he had to admit to himself that he felt the pleasure of talking to him.

What irritated him the most was that he still couldn't admit it.

Second test. 

Photographs. He watched all the albums again, as well as the photos he also had on the phone. On almost everyone where they were together, they always stood side by side. Youngjo always put his arm around him, or Hwanwoong kept his hand. He didn't even remember that it was doing it. He had to do it automatically and without thinking. And he always felt good in his presence. Even if he pushed him away and said he hated him... it was just a joke. Because at the end of the day he liked it.

Third test. 

Staring. Hwanwoong stared more than he thought. Photos, when they were somewhere with friends, clips from trips together... Hwanwoong always stared. Youngjo had a very attractive face. His lips were perfect, his eyes were beautiful. In fact, it was coming to him now that everything in Youngjo was beautiful.

Was that scary? Not any more.

It was surprising. It was hard to believe, but it was existing.

* * *

_"I know that our time is not now, but I really believe that it will happen someday. I would like to wake up in this next life, when the world will be different and I will be able to hold Dongju in my arms. I would like to see it with my own eyes._

_Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, I imagine such a world. People pass us without paying any attention to us. They don't care who we are or what we do. I don't know if I'm fooling myself, but this fantasy gives me some strength. Until then, I will keep him secret, even if I feel proud to have him. I would like to scream, I would like the whole world to hear about my love._

_But this is not our time."_

Hwanwoong sometimes returned to read Geonhak’s entries. This story was painful in so many ways. And he understood more and more that sometimes even if something seems impossible, all you have to do is take one step back and then be caught up in the fast-moving stream.

He managed to get a job. At least he hoped so. He waited a few days for an answer, but eventually he went to the interview and was accepted.

He felt relieved. Even if it won't be his dream job, it's enough for a start. Working hours and salary were fine at the moment. He still needed instructions, but he was ready.

He was a bit angry only because his first day of work was on Friday. The same Friday when Youngjo is coming back.

It bothered him more than it probably should.

When he came home, his playlist gave him [_Falling_ by Mansionair](https://youtu.be/2c21Uw6Pc4c). And for some reason he felt it was about him. He was falling and he couldn't help it.

His path led him to Youngjo. And he won't have the opportunity to greet him at the airport or in the apartment as he planned... but maybe he can buy something good and they can celebrate it together at least.

And they probably had something to celebrate.

He was nervous. He was never so upset. But not about the work but because they will see each other so late in the evening. He didn't imagine it that way. He wanted to wait in the apartment until Youngjo came inside. It would be much simpler.

**_Good luck on your first day at work!_** 😈🔥🌹

It was very his style.

Hwanwoong felt sick, but the smell of coffee helped. The work of the barista seemed so chaotic and he was sure that he would not be able to learn how to operate this damn machine, but it turned out that it wasn't so difficult at all. Learning coffee types was worse. But he can do it. It was learnable.

After this he was so tired. However, he had two pieces of fruit cake. It was expensive but no regrets.

He wanted to go home now.

He wanted to see him. He wanted to see Youngjo.

**_Have you finished your work?_ **

**_Hyung??? Yes. Im leaving soon._**

**_Do you need anything?_ **

**_Tell me where you are, I'll pick you up_ **

Hwanwoong was speechless. Did he want to come here? No, no. It really wasn't meant to be this way. He was getting used to the script he had in his head. But fate was apparently against him.

Hwanwoong gave Youngjo the address and dressed his jacket. Hyung was supposed to be there in a few minutes.

In a few minutes Hwanwoong will do the last test. It’s possible that he already knew the result, but still... there was uncertainty somewhere.

And when Hwanwoong saw through the window that Youngjo was there, waiting, he sighed. The same song was playing on the radio that haunted him all week…

_Today now I'm swallowed by all my sorrow, in a way_

_I'm losing myself, I'm nowhere now, can I stay?_

_'Cause I believe that I have seen enough_

_There's something that I've been dreaming of_

_Next to you_

Hwanwoong left the building and Youngjo smiled at him.

"Hey. It's going to rain in any minute now and I didn't take an umbrella, so we have to hurry..." hyung said and smiled.

Butterflies in the stomach? Yes.

Staring? Yes.

"Okay. I have two pieces of cake for us. For your return and my work, hyung." Hwanwoong said, hoping he would calm down.

"Oh, cool! But are you hungry? Maybe we can eat something in the town?"

"Actually… Maybe we can order something home?" he asked with hope.

"Sure, no problem! To be honest, I also want to go home. I came back about two hours ago and I was only on a walk with Sunny. And I thought I might pick you up from work, so here I am.” he laughed softly.

_Falling, I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down..._

Small drops of rain began to fall from the sky straight onto their heads as soon as they got off the subway, and they had to walk through a small park to get home.

Eventually it rained from the sky unexpectedly. Youngjo covered them both with his denim jacket until they found a small niche in which they found shelter.

Hwanwoong fit perfectly under the arms of Youngjo.

"It should stop soon. It looks like a temporary rain." Youngjo spoke, but Hwanwoong couldn’t answer.

They were wet, although they took shelter quite quickly. Youngjo was still holding his jacket over them.

He smelled his cologne and rain. It was a fresh and pleasant smell.

It was so warm.

_Falling, I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down..._

Question: do you think about kissing your friend?

_Falling, I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down..._

Answer: for some time almost constantly.

_Falling, I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down ..._

_Falling next to you._

"Hyung?"

"Hm?"

Hwanwoong climbed on his toes and touched his lips with his. He felt Youngjo tense his muscles and take a deep breath. Hwanwoong stepped back slowly.

And he felt that he wanted more.

He didn't deceive himself, he didn't force him, his body and mind were in agreement this time.

Youngjo looked confused, but he smiled. He lowered his jacket to hide them and leaned over kissing Hwanwoong again.

Youngjo and he knew each other very well. That's why Hwanwoong didn't have to say anything and Youngjo understood it without thinking. If he decided to kiss Youngjo, it means that it wasn't an accident or anything.

It was a conscious decision.

Youngjo had sweet lips. His tongue gently caressed Hwanwoong and he liked it. He climbed on his toes more so that he could be closer.

Smell, touch... he was dizzy because of all of this. But it was so good.

They moved away slowly. Hwanwoong felt his head spinning because it was all like a crazy dream he didn't want to wake up this time. He just looked at this man and couldn't get over how wonderful he was.

"Woongie? It stopped raining. Do you want to go home or stay here?" Youngjo smiled. His voice felt even softer than usual.

"Of course I want to go home!" he said, moving away quickly.

"It was so romantic for a moment..."

"Be quiet you... Hyung."

"Oof, you almost spoke to me ugly."

"Just wait for me to say ugly to you. Oh no, it didn't sound good..." he started to go faster.

"Why? I quite like this idea. But it depends what you mean..."

"I didn't mean anything! Hyung, please. Yes, I kissed you, yes... I agree to let us be a couple, but I'm begging you... Don't be a pompous asshole."

"Pompous asshole! I've never been this way!"

"You are when you get what you want." Hwanwoong did his best to go even faster. But his legs were too short compared to Youngjo. He will never run away from him.

"Oh no, you are wrong. In this case I'm very proud and happy." Youngjo took two quick steps and threw his hand over Hwanwoong's shoulders. An attempt to escape was pointless. "You don't even know how happy I'm."

Hwanwoong rolled his eyes.

"I know you are. And I'm happy about that."

When they entered the apartment, Hwanwoong bent low and greeted Sunny cheerfully. Then he put the cake in the fridge, and when he turned around, Youngjo was right beside him, pushing him towards the counter until Hwanwoong had nowhere to go and he kissed him.

Very intensely.

He felt his legs bend under him. And then Youngjo started kissing his neck and it was like an image from his dreams and it was too much.

"H-hyung..." Hwanwoong pushed him away, though with difficulty. "Maybe we can take off wet clothes? I don't want both of us to be sick."

"Hm, do you want to take off our clothes and go straight to the bedroom? Or do you prefer to take off our clothes and go for a bath?"

Hwanwoong felt his cheeks turn hot and red. Youngjo looked at him as intensely as if he wanted to x-ray his soul.

"For God's sake, hyung. We've been together for several minutes."

"Are you sure? Because I feel like we are dating for years and finally you let me in. Don't make me wait another hundred years, I'm begging you..."

"Hyung..." Hwanwoong groaned when Youngjo started kissing his neck again. But his body was against him because he began to react by itself. Although the head was still a bit behind. "Hyung... let's take a bath first."

"Excellent choice."

He was still a little overwhelmed with all that was happening. He and Youngjo, together. It was something he didn't expect to ever happen.

And yet they were together sitting in a small tub. Hwanwoong's size was a big advantage here, he needed to admit.

It was warm and comfortable.

Hwanwoong closed his eyes, leaning against Youngjo's chest, and concluded that this was what he wanted. He felt at home. Youngjo was his home.

"I remember you entering the bathroom when I was taking a shower." Youngjo said. "And it still amuses me. You've seen me naked more than once. Why were you so embarrassed?"

"Because I looked at you differently. Less and less like at a friend, and more and more like at someone I have feelings for. It has always been hidden somewhere."

"So you love me?" Youngjo embraced him tighter and Hwanwoong felt his soft kisses on his temple. He smiled but rolled his eyes.

"I don't know..."

"Woongie, don't play with me!"

"You are unbearable, hyung. Besides, we've been sitting here too long. My fingers are starting to wrinkle. And we have to order something to eat. I'm getting hungry." Hwanwoong rose and got out of the tub, taking a towel.

"You are beautiful." Youngjo whispered and Hwanwoong looked at him.

"Oh my god hyung..." he just said and left the bathroom, leaving the door open.

"Hey, it's cold!"

"So get out of the tub!"

They ordered a lot of food and they were already sure they needed to wait to eat that cake on the next day. They were full, sitting on the couch and looking at the television. Right next to each other, as if it has always been the case. But now Hwanwoong was laying and resting his head on Youngjo's thighs, and the elder occasionally bent over to steal a small kiss. Such a small difference.

There was something sweet about it, such a delicate intimacy that Hwanwoong had never experienced. He started to understand that he had never trusted anyone so much and had never felt as comfortable as now. Every person he was with before didn't treat him as the most valuable thing in the world. And Youngjo was ready to throw the world at his feet, which was truly stunning.

His hyung, devoted to him so much.

He looked at him, still lying down. Youngjo also looked. One kiss after another and the air seemed heavier.

They moved into the bedroom, still staying close, lip to lip. Hwanwoong slipped his hands under Youngjo's shirt, feeling his soft skin. His body was also beautiful. And Hwanwoong wanted him so badly.

Clothes fell to the floor. Only one small lamp in the room had the light on and it created a pleasant, intimate atmosphere.

Hwanwoong felt their bodies react when Youngjo lay on him, kissing him eagerly.

"Condoms..." Youngjo began.

"No. I hate them. I want to feel you. Just take a lube, hyung."

Youngjo grunted and kissed him again, then reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out a bottle. Hwanwoong felt like he was about to explode. He really wanted it. He couldn't wait.

Long fingers gently penetrating his inside made him sigh and strain all his muscles. Kisses on his neck and collarbones, warm tongue teasing his nipples.

"Woongie." this whisper, it caused shivers on his body.

He moaned when he felt Youngjo fill him and raised his legs higher to feel him deeper.

Slowly, Youngjo moved evenly, leaning on both sides of Hwanwoong's head with his hands. He looked him straight in the eye and it made him even more aroused.

"Oh my god Hwanwoong." Youngjo whispered and he tensed all his muscles. It was obvious that he was feeling a strong wave of pleasure.

"Please, hyung. Faster."

Hwanwoong didn't control his body at all, his hands were lost. Once he embraced Youngjo's neck, in a moment he clenched his fingers on his back, ass and thighs. He wanted him closer, he wanted more.

Hwanwoong moaned louder when he felt a strong blow. Chills covered his body.

Youngjo kissed him, and though Hwanwoong replied, he was in such a strong need that he couldn't focus on the kisses. He pushed Youngjo on his back and sat on his hips, slowly taking him inside. He moved quickly and knew that hyung would let him do whatever he wanted.

Hwanwoong felt cruel satisfaction with this situation and bit his lower lip when he could control the pleasure that overwhelmed him.

"Touch me." Hwanwoong said, resting his hands on Youngjo's chest, who reached into his cock, clenching fingers on it.

No lube needed because Hwanwoong was leaking so much precum. And when he moved his hips, at the same time his cock rubbed on Youngjo's hand and it was so much that he could hardly bear it.

Hwanwoong came for the first time, but very briefly. Youngjo took advantage of this and turned them around until Hwanwoon was at the bottom again. His hips were high, he rested his knees on Youngjo's shoulders and clenched his fingers on the mattress.

He looked at his hyung, sweat running down his face, his slightly parted lips. He licked them slowly and Hwanwoong moaned when at the same time Youngjo looked at him.

He looked like a demon possessed him.

And when the moment of weakness came, when they both felt tired, Youngjo leaned forward and Hwanwoon parted his legs, embracing his neck. They were kissing for a long moment, until Youngjo began to go lower and lower. He kissed his stomach and thighs until he took his cock in his mouth and sucked hard and persistently. The sounds drove Hwanwoong crazy. He was moaning at this scene when he was looking at it. He felt it coming again, but hyung wouldn't allow it. He turned him back and was inside again. Hwanwoong kneeled, putting his head down. It was too much. Too fast.

Youngjo hit the spot.

"Hyung, I can't any longer. I'm coming... I'm coming..." he said full of despair.

"Me too!"

Hot liquid filled him from the inside. Youngjo was thrusting him all the time until he fell down without strength right next to him.

Hwanwoong felt like he was melting. He lay still on his stomach, breathing quickly. His head was spinning.

He opened his eyes and stared at Youngjo. His eyes closed and a shadow of a smile hiding somewhere on those lips.

Hwanwoong moved closer and put a head on his chest.

"Next time we need to use towels. You sweat so much, hyung."

"It's your fault. I lost my sense of time and place. I even lost my mind, damn it, Hwanwoong."

He chuckled.

"For once I controlled the situation."

"Control how much you want if you ask me."

"I don't know if you know what you're agreeing to..." Hwanwoong got up and kissed him several times on the lips.

"Mh, I like you doing such things on your own. I don’t feel like I’m forcing you."

Hwanwoong rolled his eyes and stood up slowly, tightening his muscles.

"I wouldn't allow you to force me to do anything like this. I have to go to the bathroom."

Cum was running down his legs as he stood under the shower. There was so much of it that he couldn't believe it himself. But at the end he felt so good.

The door opened and then closed. Two arms embraced him from behind, he felt kisses on his neck.

"I'm sorry, but I don’t have enough." Youngjo whispered. "But if you don't..." Hwanwoong made him silent, because he reached for his cock and began to rub it.

"I haven't had sex for so long, hyung."

"Really?"

"Mh. There was one boy in the army, but I didn't think it was worth the risk of being caught..."

"I kind of like that you think so. I'll try to make it up to you."

"I'm going to work tomorrow."

"I'll take this into consideration."

He was kind of gentle but made Hwanwoong come twice anyway. They stayed in the shower for a while and then went straight to bed. It was pleasant to fall asleep in Youngjo's arms, hear his heart beating, feel his pleasant smell.

Geonhak was right. He just had to accept his feelings.

Hwanwoong was woken by an alarm clock. He reached into his phone to put it on snooze and he stretched his arms a bit, wanting to sleep a little more.

He had a very strange and very intense dream.

At least he thought so.

But slowly it began to reach him more and more and when he felt the movement next to him, he was sure that it wasn't a dream. His stomach jumped and he felt a tickle. He opened his eyes slowly.

Hyung stared at him with a slight smile, and the light of daylight lit up his perfect complexion.

Hwanwoong wanted to kiss him so much, but the intensity of his eyes intimidated him and he seized the pillow, pressing it into Youngjo's face.

"Hyung, don't look at me like that." he grunted and turned to the side.

"But I like to stare at you when you're sleeping."

"Stop, it's creepy!"

"But your shirt is halfway up and you hold one hand on your stomach. It's adorable." Youngjo laughed and leaned closer until Hwanwoong felt the embrace. "I love you."

It was the first time his hyung said it in such a soft, tender way. Yes, he had confessed his love before, but it had a completely different meaning from yesterday.

"Oh god hyung..." Hwanwoong grunted in embarrassment, his stomach like a heavy bullet. "I love you too." he said softly.

Youngjo squeezed him tighter, burying his face in his neck. He kissed his neck and shoulder.

"How shy. You weren't so shy yesterday when you were sitting on me. Or then, in the shower..."

"I have to get up!" Hwanwoong jumped up, his face turning red.

"No! Lie with me for a while." Youngjo grabbed his hand and pulled him, hugging him again. "It's only 8am, you don't have to get up so early. I want to enjoy my boyfriend."

"I won't disappear in the air, hyung."

"Who knows. I won't risk it."

His kisses moved more toward Hwanwoong's jaw, toward his lips.

"Mh, I haven't brushed my teeth yet..."

"Okay. But are you feeling fine?"

"Yes."

"For sure?"

"Yes." Hwanwoong laughed and looked at him. "I shouldn't be?"

"No, I'm just asking. I still can't get all of this reality. And I'm worried that you might not be okay with it. It was sudden..."

"No. I mean, it wasn't so sudden. You were right when you said we've known each other for a long time and it was a bit like dating. I just had to accept it. And I feel good where I am." Hwanwoong smiled and combed Youngjo's hair.

"I'm very happy about this." he whispered and leaned in, kissing him unexpectedly.

"Mh, teeth!"

"I don't care about it." Youngjo was very firm and it lasted for some time. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't that good either.

Youngjo disappeared under the covers and Hwanwoong felt kisses on his stomach. He wanted it. He wanted it all... but he couldn't.

"Hyung... wait."

"I can't."

"Hyung!" Hwanwoong jumped up, sitting on the bed and forcing Youngjo to sit down too. "I want you, but we need to have breakfast, take Sunny for a walk and then I need to go to work."

Youngjo sighed.

"Yeah... You're right."

Hwanwoong rolled his eyes and got out of bed.

He wasn't angry at Youngjo, but he didn't want their relationship to be only physical. Yes, sex was great, but Hwanwoong also expected them to be able to talk as before.

He had good intentions and wanted to be reasonable, but Youngjo had something in him that he couldn't resist. And when Youngjo embraced Hwanwoong, he felt like he was floating above the ground. The tickling in the stomach was always there and the desire for him to touch Hwanwoong.

* * *

Days passed and almost all looked the same. Days full of passion, sometimes unrestrained. They were ready to rip their clothes off at the door.

Hwanwoong couldn't understand this. It was like an addiction. He kept telling himself that they had to slow down, that the relationship was about something more, but then he gave in and wanted more.

He lay there being fucked and wanted more, then when he was falling asleep he wondered how is this happening. Why is this happening? Was that bad?

Hwanwoong liked this. He liked to tease Youngjo and liked the idea that hyung was so crazy about him. And sex, of course. Hwanwoong couldn't resist it.

He also liked when someone invited Youngjo somewhere and he refused.

"I can't, tonight I'm spending the evening with my boyfriend." he said it openly. Without hesitation. And Hwanwoong really enjoyed it.

Morning kisses, embraces, sweet words, sex... it was all so normal, but after weeks of enjoying these moments, Hwanwoong was beginning to see the intensity of it all.

Whatever he wanted to do, Youngjo wanted to be with him. When Hwanwoong wanted to go somewhere alone after work, Youngjo was always ready to accompany him.

Until one day he just started to feel suffocating.

"I want to slow down." he said, stopping Youngjo before he kissed him. "Just slow down, nothing more. We are together almost all the time, we live together, sleep together, eat together... Hyung, there is no need to hurry anywhere."

Youngjo wasn't stupid and he understood. And although the desire was still there, sometimes sitting and watching TV before just going to sleep was a real relief...

Hwanwoong kept his head on Youngjo's thigh. The television program was coming to an end, but Hwanwoong was getting drowsy. Youngjo played with his hair gently and it only made him want to sleep more. He turned and looked at hyung. They smiled at each other.

"Are you sleepy?" hyung asked.

"Uh-huh."

"We are going to sleep?"

"I will go, but if you want to keep watching, stay."

"Okay." hyung leaned over and kissed him lightly. "I love you."

Hwanwoong smiled. He made his heart flutter.

"I love you too." he said and sat up, trying to put slippers on his feet.

"You don't even know how much joy it gives me. I'm the happiest man on earth."

"I know." Hwanwoong laughed and leaned down because his slipper had disappeared under the couch.

"And to think that a month it was enough for you to open up."

"What do you mean?"

"When I was in Japan. I only left you for a while and you changed your mind."

Hwanwoong felt strange. He looked at Youngjo, frowning.

"You said you were busy, that's why you didn't call."

"Because I was busy."

"It sounded like you did it on purpose. Like you used a trick to convince me."

"What?” he snorted. “Hwanwoong, what are you saying?"

"No, no, wait, hyung. Maybe there is something in this. Maybe you used your trip for your advantage." he was starting to feel angry a little bit.

"I didn't use anything, Hwanwoong..."

"I think yes. At least a little. It would make sense. Because you left me here, urging me to read some guy's diary and play on my feelings."

"But what are you talking about now? I told you about my feelings a long time ago and it was you really playing on me, rejecting me."

"Because it happened suddenly! You did it awkwardly and I didn't know how to react. It was the same with a kiss. You did everything to convince me. I don't know if this is how love should work."

"You're hurting me now for no reason..."

"And how am I supposed to feel, hyung? Am I your toy?"

"Are you implying that you were doing everything against yourself?!"

"No! But I'm starting to wonder how much this actually happened naturally, or maybe you used some tricks."

"Tricks ?! Do you really think so?"

"I don't know! But I'm just tired! You hold me so hard that I can hardly breathe! That's why I asked us to slow down. Because yes, I want you and want to be with you, but I have the feeling that I'm living in a cage I can't do anything separately because you are always by your side! You visit me during work, you come for me after work. I don't even know when you last saw your friends for the last time, because you are with me all the time! "

Youngjo's face darkened.

"You didn't say you were choking. That you didn't like it." his voice was low.

"I'm not saying I feel bad, I just want some space that you consuming."

"Hwanwoong, you just said I used tricks to persuade you to be in a relationship with me and now it looks like you are my toy. Because that's what your thought looks like. And you really want to tell me you feel trapped?"

"It's stupid."

"What is stupid?"

"What you just said. It sounds stupid."

"Because it is ridiculous, Hwanwoong! I can agree that I violate your personal space a little too much. I can only defend myself by how happy I am. Because it’s like a dream for me that I can finally have you in my arms. No matter how embarrassing it sounds. This whole conversation is bullshit."

"Hyung, I've been thinking about all this since I went to the army. It's not like a month was enough. I always felt something more for you somewhere, but I didn't think it mattered... I lived in the world with my friend Youngjo at my side and now I live _in_ a world _of_ Youngjo where you are all around. It's as if there is no place for me."

"You are my world. You should already know."

"That's the problem. Life is something more. This flame burns so intensely that soon there will be nothing left."

"Woongie..."

"I'll take Sunny for a walk."

He had to get some fresh air. He was angry, but he also knew that he said many stupid things and said things in anger, which was complete nonsense.

And although he felt a little guilty, he was also relieved that he had shed the burden of thoughts that had been wandering somewhere in his head for some time.

He didn't want to break up with Youngjo. It was certain. But he also didn't want their relationship to burn out. He wanted to enjoy it for a long time. He wanted to value every moment. It was their time, he knew it. They will have no better time than this.

But he must have apologized.

He thought of Geonhak and Dongju. About how they resolved their conflicts...

_"Anger is a curse of common sense."_

Hwanwoong remembered that one sentence. And he had to agree with that. Youngjo was very loving, but Hwanwoong was silent about his true feelings and set no clear boundary. Until his anger came to stupid conclusions that now made no sense to him.

He returned to the apartment after several minutes and saw a pillow and quilt on the sofa. Youngjo came out of the bedroom in a bathrobe and looked at him.

"Hyung?"

"I know that you have to get up early, so it will be more comfortable for you to sleep alone. If you want to use the bathroom, go ahead. I've already finished."

"Hyung..."

"Good night." Youngjo disappeared into the bedroom and closed the door. Yes, he had to get up early because he was opening a cafe at 6am. But he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

And he couldn't sleep.

Not that he was uncomfortable, but he just had too many thoughts in his mind. Perhaps he was even afraid that Youngjo was angry with him and that he was disappointed.He probably was.

He wanted to go back to the bedroom and cuddle with Youngjo, but would this whole conversation about personal space make sense at this moment?

He spent the whole day at work with an empty mind. He had to concentrate and had something to do, but when he returned home, he felt nervous. He felt that they would have to come back to it.

Youngjo wasn’t at home when he opened the door, but neither was Sunny, so they had to be on a walk.

Hwanwoong sat on the couch for a while, then reached for Geonhak's journal and searched for the entry that interested him. And when he heard Youngjo is coming back, he took it and began reading aloud:

"Anger is a curse of common sense. Anger makes our mind become a bowl full of chaos. We, as people, rely on our emotions, so why let bad emotions lead? Especially during the conversation. I felt angry because I didn't understand what my feelings are to Dongju and let this anger overcome me. I spoke to him painful things, even if they were not true. But can I blame myself for being lost? That I didn’t know how to call something so new? But now I know and I will do anything to compensate him." Hwanwoong fell silent and looked at Youngjo. Hyung was silent, still standing in his jacket with a leash in his hand. "I'm sorry, hyung."

Youngjo sighed.

"Me too. It's true that I wanted to be with you too much. Like a child with a new toy."

"It will be boring too fast..."

"I think that we are not in danger, but... You are right that I haven’t seen my friends for a long time. And I didn’t give you the opportunity to see your own."

"Yes, that's true. But I shouldn't assume you did it on purpose." Hwanwoong added and looked at his hands. Youngjo took off his jacket and shoes, putting away the leash. He came closer and sat down next to Hwanwoong.

"The only thing I did on purpose was when I said I love you. And then when I kissed you. I just wanted you to see that there was a possibility. Because you said no so quickly. But this month when I was in Japan was a breakthrough because when I came back, you just ... "

"I threw myself at you."

"Practically, yes." Youngjo laughed and reached for his hand. Hwanwoong grabbed her firmly. "I am glad that we went to our heads and did not go deeper and deeper. It would result in a stupid quarrel."

"I feel stupid anyway. I said many stupid things."

"Not so much. And I'm glad you said that. Because you made me realize that I was a little too possessive. From now on I will be more aware."

"We have time, hyung. We don't have to hurry anywhere." Hwanwoong smiled weakly.

"You're right. It's our time."

They were kissing for a while, cherishing that they finally were able to talk. And later they sat together in silence for a long time until Youngjo's phone made a sound.

"It's Seoho. He is coming back to Seoul." Youngjo said, reading the message.

"Finally. Our show business star."

Hyung laughed.

"Yes. I have no idea how he did it, but I'm happy for his success."

"I missed it."

"All you have to do is enter his name on the internet. There is a whole story." Youngjo laughed again. "But he worked on it for many months and his work paid off. And I have both of his albums that he managed to release. I listened to everyone. They are really good. Although I never told him. He is already very confident." he rolled his eyes and sighed. "But he wants to meet. Amazing, he found time for us, simple humans, in his schedule."

"He's a good friend. Sometimes he is mean, but I know that if there was a need he would help us both."

"Yes of course." he nodded. "Anyway. It's funny that I read the same fragment of Geonhak's diary. We're a bit similar."

"There is a lot to be learned from their story and I understand why you love it so much. I think it’s way easier for us, but we find constant reasons to avoid confrontation. I don't want to waste time on stupid quarrels. They promised to talk to each other and I want the same, hyung."

"I agree." Youngjo said softly. "Whatever happens, we will talk about it, no matter how difficult the topic will be. I think it will also make us trust ourselves more."

"Good. I'm happy."

Youngjo smiled and kissed Hwanwoong lightly. It was a relief. The barrier has disappeared finally.

"But now, I see how tired you are. You have been up for so long... Go take a bath and sleep."

"Mh."

* * *

It's been six months.

They worked hard to make their communication better and better. And it wasn't easy when two people sometimes have different opinions on one topic. Sometimes it happened that they didn't speak to each other for several days. And once Hwanwoong was ready to move out, but one thing that always brought them on the path of understanding was Geonhak's journal. His words were like an anchor to them, holding them together in one place. There was always something that got in their way. A memory, an event, something that made them eventually not want to part.

Talking is not easy and sometimes we expect the other person to understand us. But no one can read minds, and facts cannot be created from assumptions.

It was a slow process. It started with the fact that they began to respect their private time when they do something separately and the time they share together. It was a good start, it helped them understand many things about themselves. This allowed them to create a space in which they miss their company and in effect helped them save this relationship. Until they were in the place where they really wanted to be.

It also helped them survive Seoho, who didn't spare them in his comments and who behaved as if it was all thanks to him.

"You weren't even in the country when we began to be together." said Hwanwoong.

"Yes, but I sent you to Youngjo!" Seoho responded with a proud smile.

"Leave it to him." Youngjo whispered in Hwanwoong's ear.

Youngjo got promoted one day.

He became an international department manager and had many meetings and conferences during the week. He had free weekends. But not Hwanwoong. He liked the work of a barista, and since Seoho visited him several times, the cafe became very popular. Again, Seoho claimed that he foresaw it and did it on purpose.

There was no point in arguing with him.

Everyone was happy then.

Five months since Hwanwoong and Youngjo began to be together, and a dozen or so weeks after Youngjo was promoted, he decided they needed a bigger and better apartment.

Hwanwoong was very nervous about this. He didn't earn so much and was afraid that most of the cost of living would fall on his hyung.

But Youngjo didn't separate him from this process. Together they looked through many offers and counted the costs so that everyone felt satisfied.

And they both enjoyed it very much. Thanks to this, the thought of the new apartment pleased them both and they couldn't wait.

In the end they found this one perfect place.

Both Hwanwoong and Youngjo had convenient access to the places where they worked. The area was clean and quite quiet. There was also a small park nearby.

Hwanwoong felt stressed thinking of moving. He didn't know why, but sometimes he couldn't sleep because of it. He was also thinking about the apartment he had lost. Youngjo tried to help, but unfortunately he didn't manage to do much. There was no contract, and two emails were not enough.

"Maybe you have to let go, Woongie." Youngjo said. "Soon, much will change when we move and you don't have to worry about it anymore."

Hwanwoong sighed. Yes, it was possible that it was the only option. Trying to forget.

Because Youngjo had a lot of work and a lot of things to do with the new apartment, Hwanwoong dealt with packaging. He carefully and slowly packed everything into boxes that were to be transported to a new place the next day. There was a strange reverberation in the room when the shelves became empty and the photo frames disappeared from the walls. He was tired when he finished packing the last box, so he just went to bed.

Youngjo worked late, so they probably won't see each other until the morning.

But Hwanwoong awoke when Sunny jumped out from under the cover and from Hwanwoong's arms as the front door opened.

Youngjo tried to be quiet. He whispered to Sunny, undressed, took a shower. Soon he entered the bedroom quietly and carefully slipped under the cover.

Hwanwoong felt an arm that embraced him carefully. There was also a light kiss on the neck. Hwanwoong shifted to make himself more comfortable.

"Did I wake you up?" hyung asked.

"It's okay."

He missed him. He felt his body begin to wake up, though his mind remained drowsy. He turned his head to find Youngjo's lips. Gentle kisses that became more and more intense. They haven't been together for so many days. And this is the last night in this apartment. He was suddenly so emotional about this.

Hwanwoong moved his hips, rubbing his ass against the rising bulge in Youngjo's boxers. It lasted for some time until Youngjo sighed and pressed his hips harder to his. Youngjo's hand slid under his shirt, stroking his stomach and chest.

And then he turned, reaching into the bedside drawer.

Hwanwoong was still sleepy, but he managed to slide his pants down, still lying on his side. He heard the sound of the bottle being opened and that made him even more aroused. Soon he felt fingers working on his hole. He murmured and bit his lip. He wanted it so badly.

And finally, he went inside and Hwanwoong clenched his fingers on the mattress. He turned his head again, searching for those lips again.

Youngjo kissed him passionately and thrusted him quickly while touching his cock.

He knew it wouldn't be too long. He was too excited. Precum was leaking all the time and all of this was so good.

"Hwanwoong." hyung whispered, kissing his ear and neck.

"Youngjo." he said it quite unexpectedly. He had never addressed him so directly, and for a brief moment Hwanwoong felt guilty, but Youngjo made a low grunt, grabbed his hips and pushed him harder and faster.

"Say it again. I want to hear my name."

"Youngjo."

It was surprising, but Hwanwoong hadn't felt so long in a long time. He almost lost his breath and moaned into the pillow. He knew that he would come and he couldn't stop it.

"Woongie... Woongie... I'm..." hyung spoke quickly, his voice was hoarse.

"Yes, please. Youngjo, please..."

It happened very quickly and intensively. Hwanwoong felt it inside. Hyung trembled at his side for a while, and he moved his hips lazily, kissing those amazing lips.

"I love you so fucking much." Youngjo whispered.

Hwanwoong smiled lazily, he was so tired.

"I love you, too."

* * *

Their new place was comfortable and spacious. They both love coming back and staying together. Hwanwoong never thought he would be so sure of where he wanted to be until he felt it.

He loved those lazy mornings, when they both lay side by side, the light gently coming through the curtains on the windows, from which they could see almost the entire city.

The album where the copied pages of Geonhak's journal were was always nearby. It became part of their lives.

"Maybe it's us." Hwanwoong said one day, holding his head on Youngjo's shoulder.

"What do you mean?" hyung asked, playing with his hair gently.

"Geonhak and Dongju. Maybe it's us."

"Hm, I don't think so. I think we would know. At least we would have a hunch. I treat them more like distant friends. Once I had a dream that I met them. And you feel that it's us?"

"No. I was just wondering. But you probably are right, we would know." he got up. "I have to get up, I'm going to see Seoho-hyung."

"I'm sorry I can't go with you."

"It's okay. You have an important meeting. But let me know when you're done. Maybe we go and eat something together?"

"I like this idea." Youngjo admitted and pulled Hwanwoong, kissing him for a long time. "Now you can go."

Hwanwoong rolled his eyes.

He wanted to do something for his hyung, who supported him and waited for him for so long, who was patient and forgiving, who gave him more than Hwanwoong would ever have the courage to ask.

He loved him. He loved him so much that he didn't know how to show it. Seoho may not have been the best adviser, but since he has traveled so much around the world, he will surely find an idea.

Hwanwoong had to wait before he was allowed to enter the agency building. In the corridor he passed photos of Seoho but also other artists with whom he collaborated or helped them to debut.

The office was very fancy dressed. How rich Seoho was? It was somehow scary.

"Hwanwoong! Are you waiting long?" Seoho entered the office, closing the door behind him.

"For ages, but no problem, hyung, take your time."

"Don't be mean. The meeting dragged on, but we can go."

It was hyung who reserved the place and it was quite expensive. Hwanwoong felt terrible in his hoodie and jeans, but he wasn't warned where they were going.

They placed an order.

"What's happening?" Seoho asked after a very long silence. "Have you had an argument again?"

"No. It's not that. We are more than well, but... I have a thought and I need some advice. But please, hyung, I don't want Youngjo-hyung to know. And I'm serious. So no jokes. I'm begging you."

Seoho sighed and took a sip of his wine.

"Woong, I know I've been mean sometimes, but if it's a serious matter, you can count on me. Shoot."

Hwanwoong took a deep breath.

"I was thinking... I was wondering how I can express that I care about Youngjo-hyung. I know he won't ask me anything, but I would like to do something for him that will seal our relationship."

Seoho raised his eyebrows and wiped his mouth with a napkin. He looked so strange that Hwanwoong wasn't sure what was going on.

"Hyung?"

"Fascinating."

"What?"

Seoho blinked.

"You in general. Do you have something general in mind? A trip? A gift?"

"Eh, gift more likely. I have limited funds."

"Sometimes simple things can mean a lot..." Seoho fell silent and pulled out the phone. Apparently it had to be something important. Hwanwoong keeps thinking about that gift.

Youngjo became the most important person in his life. There was probably nothing he could give to him, and yet he wanted something symbolic to confirm it all.

Suddenly a screen appeared in front of his nose. He blinked and took Seoho's phone.

"Look and tell me what you think about it." hyung nodded and went back to eating.

Hwanwoong looked at the screen and saw a few pics of the engagement rings.

"Hyung... This is..."

"What? Bad idea?"

"No, but... We can't get married."

Seoho rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Really, Hwanwoong, think. These are promise rings. Marriage is not legally possible here, yes, but you can organize a small party with friends and you can promise to each other your feelings. It's the same but it will be way less expensive. I don't understand that noise about weddings. Especially in Korea. It’s ridiculous. You can just say it and it's valid as long as you really feel it, not because you had an official wedding."

"Hyung... I never thought about it. Yes, Youngjo-hyung really deserves it. He... He's special and deserves something special. But I can't afford rings and..."

Seoho rolled his eyes again.

"I'll help you."

"No, wait..."

"Hm? What did you say?"

"Hyung, no..."

"Ah, that you thank me very much and you don't know what you would do without such a great friend? Ah, you're welcome. Really. I'm too modest..."

"I hate you sometimes."

"No, you don't." hyung smiled widely and his eyes almost disappeared.

Hwanwoong shook his head. He was hopeless against him.

"I need to think about it." he said.

"Fine." Seoho drank the rest of the wine. "Let me know when you will be ready. By the way… are you still dancing?"

* * *

Hwanwoong wandered his thoughts away all week. He thought about what Seoho had told him and what it would mean to him and Youngjo. And it could mean a lot. That would be the final step towards their relationship.

Hwanwoong was able to answer "I love you too" but usually it wasn't him who was the first to say that. He was good at answering what Youngjo began. And he knew how much Youngjo liked when Hwanwoong did something by himself. A kiss, a hug... Youngjo treated it as a distinction. It's like Hwanwoong was some prince and Youngjo was the chosen one from the common people. And for Hwanwoong it was the opposite. He wasn’t special but Youngjo loved him so much anyway.

He tried to behave normally, but Youngjo saw that something was happening. He didn't ask questions for two days, but it lasted for a week now...

"What's happening?"

Youngjo has always been so caring. He was his best friend and the person for whom he was ready to jump into the fire without blinking an eye.

"Nothing."

This love matured in him for so long that he didn't know what to do about it. Sometimes he didn't feel worthy, he thought he wasn't doing much for their common good. It was Youngjo who always took the first step. Always.

"Woongie, I can see that something is going on."

Youngjo was always ready to do anything for him. He was devoted and loving above all. And Hwanwoong was still holding back.

He read Geonhak's diary again, looking for words that would allow him to find his own way.

Trust, devotion and loyalty.

"Seoho-hyung offered me a dance choreographer." he said finally.

"That's a great idea!"

"Yes, but I haven't been dancing for a long time. Actually since I went to the army. I don't know if I’m still good at it."

"I'm sure he'll give you time to get ready, but you've always had it in your blood, Woongie. Do you want to be a barista forever?"

"No. I don't know. I like this job..."

"You look very sexy in your apron, that's for sure."

"Hyung!" his heart skipped a beat.

"I'm just being honest."

"I will think about it. But working for Seoho-hyung... Hard thing."

"It won't be that bad." Youngjo put his arm around him.

"But you know what they say when friends work together. It sometimes ends badly..."

"I think you are overthinking. You will be a dance choreographer, not finance manager, signing important contracts. Come." hyung grabbed his hand and they went to the desk where Hwanwoong was seated in front of the laptop screen. Youngjo found a folder full of photos and videos.

"Oh no, I know what you want to show me, hyung."

"Shush. Watch."

It was a recording where Hwanwoong practiced dancing to the song Sex On The Ceiling. It was a bit awkward. It was for fun, just to keep him in shape but his friend recorded it. And of course Youngjo saved it.

But Hwanwoong was watching. He was really flexible at that time. He wasn’t sure if he could still do something like that.

"You impressed me so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it." Youngjo said. "I dare to think that you seduced me then."

"I don't know if I can still do it."

"You can. I know that." Youngjo kissed him on top of his head.

Hwanwoong felt a bit guilty. He didn't tell Youngjo the whole truth. Yes, Seoho offered work to Hwanwoong as a choreographer, but there was more to it. Something that Hwanwoong needs to do first. He had to do it first. He wanted it.

Hwanwoong copied Youngjo's schedule to know what his days off were.

And then he contacted Seoho to meet.

He couldn't look for excuses any more, he couldn't keep running and avoiding. He saw this when one night he looked at the sleeping Youngjo. How gentle he was. And then he understood why Youngjo liked to look at him because Hwanwoong felt the same. Absolute certainty that this is the one and only person with whom he wanted to be for the rest of his life. It was scary at first but at the end it gave him so much power to make his mind.

It’s time to take a deep breath and start using the time that was given to them from fate.

"Hyung." Hwanwoong said to Seoho when they met. "First of all, I'll give you the money back as soon as I can."

"Uh-huh."

"Secondly, I need your help with these rings because I will never be able to choose them myself. I will panic and I want you to come with me to stop me."

"Ooooh, okay."

"Third, your offer... I think about accepting it."

"Great! Because I'm running out of time and I need someone like you. I have documents ready.”

"Wait, hyung? Right now?"

"Yes. I really need your help, Hwanwoong."

"But my current job..."

"It can be done very quickly."

It was quick. Hwanwoong felt a bit like he was standing still and everything was happening without him. Everything happened so fast but he couldn’t stop it. He could just follow the stream.

Hwanwoong quit his job as a barista by mutual agreement. His work colleagues said goodbye and gave him a huge cake, which he and Youngjo ate for two days.

Later he started working in the agency. Seoho asked him how much time he needed to get back into shape. Of course, Hwanwoong said that every day and really when he felt the rhythm and the thrill of music flowing in his veins, he came home very late, exhausted. He trained twelve hours a day, sometimes longer, and still thought it wasn’t enough for him.

But when he came home and a dark and quiet room greeted him, because Youngjo was already asleep, he was very sad. He didn't want them to move away from each other, so he arranged a schedule where he returned home after ten hours and still had time to see Youngjo and spend time with him. And most importantly, they both had weekends off. They both had much more harmonious schedules now.

And he loved it the most. Their lives began to take on a common rhythm. There was no better opportunity to seal it.

But Hwanwoong still needed these rings. He met with Seoho again, who helped him make a decision. He had to admit that he was a little afraid that Youngjo would find out. But with a copy of his schedule, he had a little more freedom. The only threat is Seoho, who attracted so much attention...

"Don't worry. If Youngjo suspected something, say I asked you."

"Do you have everything carefully planned out, hyung?"

"You don't even know how much."

It was a bit concerning but at least he had those rings finally.

They were very simple. Silver, with a matte strip ran in the middle. They didn’t resemble ordinary wedding rings, but they were not accidental signet rings as well.

Promise rings.

It was way more important to Hwanwoong, even more than an official wedding. They didn’t need that.

He really wanted to do it. The longer he looked at those rings, the more excited he was.

"But when will I give it to him?" Hwanwoong suddenly felt panic as he sat in the car with Seoho. "I wanted it to be a special moment. Something that each of us will remember. We can't have a legal wedding, but I would at least want it to be something special... As you mentioned, hyung. Do it in a simple and quiet way." he smiled because he felt calm.

Whenever he felt stressed, the thought that he would finally do something first filled him with peace.

"Maybe a small meeting with friends? Not a wedding." Seoho said.

"Maybe it's not such a bad idea. But it can be organized. The question is when... Surely after that we would like to spend some time together."

"You had a copy of his schedule?"

"Yes."

"Send it to me and let me take care of it. I will let you know when I find something and you will decide if it suits you."

"Why do you want to take care of everything so much? You lent me money for the rings already."

Seoho sighed.

"Because I'm the greatest friend you both can have. Now send me this schedule."

It was scary, but it really was about to happen. Hwanwoong was preparing for this mentally, as if he were to take part in some competitions.

But he had never been so sure before. It was harder for him to hold back and hide it from Youngjo. Maybe letting Seoho organize everything wasn't a bad idea. At least Hwanwoong didn't have to lie.

And that day has come.

It was supposed to happen tonight. Hwanwoong was impressed by how well Seoho did everything, but he probably had the right people from it. The place was perfect, the decor, even the menu. It will be like a wedding, but it won’t be a wedding. And it was definitely the craziest thing Hwanwoong had ever done.

Hwanwoong adjusted his suit. The rings were heavy in his pocket, as if he had a ton of stones there. Made of lava. 

Youngjo sighed that he didn’t understand why Seoho invited them to this important meeting. And why it must be so elegant.

"Probably the next album. He'll be bothering us again for weeks if we listened."

Hwanwoong laughed.

"Or maybe he just wants to spend time with us?"

"In suits? And we couldn't just go and eat, like we always did? And why exactly today? Ah, I can't handle this tie..."

"Let me do it." Hwanwoong rolled his eyes and walked over to his hyung, tying his tie slowly and carefully. "And why do you bother that it is today?"

"Because I had other plans. Since tomorrow we both have time off and I wanted to enjoy it."

"We have enough time, hyung, don't worry." he smiled and he evened the tie carefully, because today everything had to be perfect.

"You are so handsome." Youngjo whispered.

"Please stop." he chuckled.

"I say what I think..." Youngjo embraced him around his waist and pressed him for a kiss, but Hwanwoong covered Youngjo’s mouth with his hand.

"No. We have to leave now, and we know how it will end if you will kiss me. Your tie is done, we can go."

"Are you suggesting we don't have inhibitions?"

"I don't suggest, I know you don't have inhibitions."

"Me?! I'm offended."

"Of course you are." Hwanwoong gave him a very soft kiss and stepped back.

It was a small room, reserved only for them. It was far from unwanted eyes. They went down the stairs, where several people were waiting. Youngjo stopped in amazement and looked at everyone uncertainly. He looked so funny.

"Finally." Seoho said.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Youngjo was very surprised to see some of his friends too. "Yongsun-noona?"

"Hello!" she waved innocently.

"What are you doing here, nuna?"

"It was me. I took her number from your phone..." Hwanwoong said and began to shake. Youngjo looked at him in surprise. "Because this party is for us, hyung. Seoho-hyung helped me not to get suspicious..."

Youngjo turned to Seoho and pointed at him.

"You were involved all the time. Now I understand everything!"

Seoho laughed.

"You're welcome. But it's much more than that. And I can't believe I'm doing it, but… Go on, Hwanwoong. It’s your time." he laughed and suddenly had that awkward smile on his face too.

Youngjo was clearly confused and looked at Hwanwoong again. And he felt that his heart is gonna jump out from his chest.

It's time.

"Hyung." Hwanwoong grabbed his hands, pulled him more toward the wall and took a breath. He also knew that everything was photographed and filmed for them. Youngjo's eyes glowed like two diamonds. "Hyung, you were always with me when I needed it. And I know that for many things that you did for me I won't be able to repay you for a long time. You have been patient, generous and honest. You didn't get angry at me even when I used up all your hoodies and you didn't have anything to wear. Because you know how much I like to wear them. And during these months we spent together I understood something... You always did the first step towards me. And I wanted to do something first too." he sighed. His voice stuck in his throat for a moment. "We can't get married, but..." he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box. "I have these promise rings and I would like to promise you that I will always be faithful to you. I will always be with you whenever you need it. In health and illness. I promise you that I will try to be better and better to match you someday. If you accept it, I would like to consider you as... my husband. Even if it’s not official." Hwanwoong picked up a larger ring and looked at Youngjo, who was just smiling slightly, his eyes still glittering. It was like he was about to cry. Hwanwoong was close to tears as well, and his knees were shaking. "Please, say something before I pass out." Hwanwoong added, holding his breath.

Youngjo closed his eyes and sighed. Hwanwoong saw the tears that stuck on his eyelashes.

But he nodded.

"Then I promise you that." Hwanwoong said and slipped the ring on Youngjo's finger slowly. This moment was more unusual than he could have imagined.

"Woongie, you are everything I need. You know it well. I can't imagine my life without you. All of this..." hyung looked around. "You have nothing to repay, because we are walking side by side. We are partners. Of course I will accept it. Can I ask for the other ring?" Hwanwoong handed it to him with a trembling hand. "Perfect. Now listen to me. When you were sick, I did everything to make you feel better. And I will always do it. When you were mad at me, I did everything to make you forgive me. And I will always do it. When you were tired, I tried to give you comfort. And I will always do it. I love you for so long, that I can't imagine that this feeling is passing away. I want to consider you as my husband too. I promise you that."

Hwanwoong nodded and Youngjo slipped the ring onto his finger.

And then they stood and looked at each other. Hwanwoong didn't know how to feel. He didn't know what to say because his throat was too tight.

So that's it. It‘s done. So easy, so quick. He struggled so much for so long and now he didn’t even know why. Because everything was so obvious to him.

It wasn't that hard and they really didn't need anything more. Hwanwoong suddenly discovered how lucky he was and felt such a great need to finally embrace it.

He grabbed Youngjo's face and stood on his toes.

"I love you." he said and kissed him hard, moving his arms around his neck as soon as Youngjo embraced him around the waist.

Someone applauded and others joined.

And they just stood there embracing each other.

Hwanwoong was so happy. Like never before.

"Don’t cry." Youngjo whispered, wiping his cheeks.

"Ah, hyung... I really wanted... I was scared. I know it's extremely sudden..."

"It's the best day of my life." Youngjo said without hesitation. "You surprised me, but in a very positive way. I adore you." he kissed him again. Many times.

Still holding him in his arms, Youngjo looked at those few guests gathered there.

"Okay, you were all in this conspiracy, but I forgive you."

"You better sit down, because there will be food soon." Seoho said. "You'll have time for kisses later. I'm hungry... but maybe I'll give you a gift first." Seoho approached them with a large hardback folder on which their initials were engraved.

Youngjo took it in with one hand, because he didn't want to let go of Hwanwoong, so Hwanwoong grabbed the folder instead and opened it.

There were documents inside.

"This is not official of course, but close enough I guess." Seoho said. "I thought you would like it."

"Imitation of a wedding certificate?" Youngjo raised his eyebrows. "It's really... Seoho, I don't know what to say." hyung finally released Hwanwoong and embraced Seoho.

"Ooooh, it's okay, it's okay." he laughed awkwardly, but patted Youngjo on the back. "That's all I could do."

"You did more than needed. Thank you."

"Thank you, hyung." Hwanwoong smiled.

"Okay, no more hugs. I'm going to say they can bring the food."

Seoho left and Yongsun took his place.

"Congratulations." she said cheerfully. "Hwanwoog, we didn't have much opportunity to talk, but I've heard so much about you that it's almost like I know you."

"This feeling is mutual." Hwanwoong laughed.

"I don't have much to give, but I thought you will love this one small gift." she handed a small package to Youngjo. "Open at home." she winked and returned to the table.

Hwanwoong looked at him.

“I have no idea.” hyung said.

Hwanwoong couldn't stop looking at him. It was as if he were discovering Youngjo’s beauty again. Was it possible to love someone even more? Hwanwoong wanted so much to understand how it happened. And the more he drank, the more sensitive he felt. He leaned on Youngjo or kept a hand on his knee.

And although the evening was so successful and he had fun with the rest of his friends, he just wanted to go home so badly.

"Hyung..." he whispered Youngjo in the ear. He definitely couldn’t wait longer.

"Hm? Are you alright? Do you feel bad?"

"Mh. I drank too much."

Youngjo sighed and explained that Hwanwoong needed to go to bed. He thanked them on their behalf and they left the place.

It was like a movie in his head. Everything happened so quickly.

Hwanwoong wasn’t that drunk of course. He just wanted to go home and take Youngjo to bed.

That's what husbands should do, right?

Did he feel bad about his little lie? No.

When they arrived home and Youngjo closed the door, Hwanwoong put arms around his neck and kissed him, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Hwanwoong..."

"I want you so badly."

"You are not that drunk, huh?"

"No. I just wanted to run away." he bit his lip. "Did I do wrong? Should we come back?"

"No!" Youngjo protested. "Absolutely not."

Of course he didn’t want to go back.

More and more kisses.

Clothes falling to the floor.

They found themselves in bed very quickly.

"Is it true?" Youngjo whispered without taking his lips from his.

"Yes."

"I'm not sleeping?"

"No!" Hwanwoong laughed. "Hyung, do you have a crisis?"

"Yes. Because I look at you and try to understand what happened today. It was a non-wedding, but still... You surprised me, but somewhere deep inside I expected it. I wanted it. Sometimes I was afraid that maybe you are still not sure. I tried to look for a way to keep you with me and not try to imprison you at the same time, though I know that I would let you go if you wanted to. Even if it would break my heart... When you almost moved out it was my biggest fear. I was afraid I would lose you." hyug buried face in his neck. Hwanwoong embraced him tightly.

"I couldn't move out. I couldn't leave you, hyung. And I won’t. Not anymore." he whispered, kissing him again. He slipped his fingers into his soft hair.

This night was different from all the others they had shared. It was intense, but between them some unexpected understanding arose, which only intensified but also prolonged their pleasure. When they were together, Hwanwoong felt as if he knew every Youngjo’s thought. As if he knew what he needed and Hwanwoong wanted to give it to him. He was really happy. Because he finally learned to give and did it with joy.

And their sex seemed even more intense, as if they were deprived of any boundaries that previously didn’t allow them to devote themselves fully to what they felt. But they were totally devoted to each other now.

* * *

He moved. He was still sleepy, but he waited for a moment until he would start to feel that he wanted to get up at all. He felt his body a bit sore and he smiled because the memory of the previous night warmed his heart.

He opened eyes. He saw his hand and the ring on his finger. It was real. It wasn’t a dream.

He turned and squeezed under Youngjo’s arm.

"Good morning." hyung whispered and kissed his forehead.

Hwanwoong murmured. It was so good, so comfortable. They didn't have to get up or go anywhere. Maybe they can stay in bed all day?

Since Hwanwoong finally completely opened his heart, he suddenly became so hungry for being close to his boyfriend. Well, to him he was his husband now. He didn’t care if it was official or not.

He opened his eyes and grabbed Youngjo's hand to see if the ring was there.

It was there.

He began to pull it off.

"Hey, no!" Youngjo protested.

"I just want to do it again." Hwanwoong smiled and slipped the ring back onto his hyung's finger. "I like this."

"Hm, me too. I like many things, especially those that are related to you."

"You are terribly cheesy."

Youngjo laughed.

"You know, I want to add something to my speech from yesterday. And what I didn't want to say to other people."

"Hm?"

"When you use my name. I like it. During sex, I'm close to crazy when you moan it. And if you just call me Youngjo, I won't mind."

"Do you like dirty talk, huh?"

Youngjo snorted.

"No but really, you can..." the alarm on his telephone began to ring. He turned it off and sat down.

"No, no. Let's stay in bed." Hwanwoong asked.

"But I thought we would eat something. And we have this gift from Yongsun. I'm curious what this is..."

Hwanwoong sighed heavily, but finally agreed. He decided, however, that he would only wear a Youngjo hoodie that almost reached his knees.

Youngjo was in his pants only and Hwanwoong bit his lip seeing his broad bare back. It was such a sexy view. He was standing in the kitchen preparing coffee for them.

Hwanwoong took the package from Yongsun and sat at the counter, opening the box.

"Hyung..." he whispered in amazement, seeing what was inside. "Youngjo."

He turned around immediately hearing his name.

"Yes?"

"Look."

They were sitting together, looking at what was a copy of several letters. Letters that were signed with the names of Geonhak and Dongju.

It was amazing that both Hwanwoong and Youngjo looked at each other absolutely surprised.

This story meant so much to them. In fact, if it weren't for that, maybe they wouldn't be where they were.

Maybe Hwanwoong would give up looking for any feelings and leave after one month back then.

"Read the first one." Youngjo asked.

_May, 1906_

_Hyung,_

_I just wanted to inform you that a few days ago my son was born. It changed my view of the world. I can't stop looking at him and I can't understand how wonderful he is._

_I have a good life._

_I have a wife who respects me and now I have a son who will definitely be my pride. I received everything you promised me. Your every word has come true and every day I wake up amazed that it was possible. Because yes, this life is good. But I can't forget that it's thanks to you._

_You taught me everything, you showed me so much, you gave me so much. You created me as I am._

_People respect me very much. I smile at them and for some reason they feel honored. I don't understand why, but this is how it it._

_But even if all of this is good I can't live my life because it’s entwined with you._

_I wanted to be persistent._

_I wanted to be strong._

_For you. For myself._

_But every night my thoughts give me no peace. My heart is still bleeding. I suffer._

_I still remember the taste and touch. I still remember the whisper and breath._

_But I understand why you insisted so much. Why did you push me this way? This world is not ready for such love._

_If it was a dream, I can't forget about it._

_I’m in a place where I would like to forget it, but I’m afraid of emptiness that may appear later. How deep will this void be if I forget? Sometimes I wonder if I can stop thinking about it at all._

_The arms that embraced me. Sometimes I’m feeling your smell and I'm close to madness._

_How is this possible? How many years have passed?_

_Even if you ignore this letter, please know that my heart, soul and body will be yours forever._

_With love, Dongju._

"So Dongju had a son." Hwanwoong sighed. "See what year it is. Dongju probably never stopped loving Geonhak. He had a family, but his feelings didn't change."

"It happens." Youngjo smiled as he served coffee for both of them. "I honestly believe that our feelings are the same."

Hwanwoong felt how warm his heart is.

"Me too. But there is another letter, so..."

"Wait." Youngjo stopped him. "We will keep reading, but I have to tell you something."

"What?" Hwanwoong was a bit surprised.

"Because I had a plan to do it yesterday, but we were getting married out of nowhere.” he laughed. “Not that it's bad. I love it. But it’s a very good turn of events. I can say it's too perfect..."

"Why are you so weird? What's going on?"

"But it's a really good opportunity." Youngjo laughed and sat down in front of Hwanwoong.

"I don't like it. Say what's going on."

"The point is, I also have a surprise for you." Youngjo smiled.

"Okay. What's this?"

"We have to pack."

"Pack? Why?"

"Because we are leaving."

"What? No, wait. It's very strange that you tell me so suddenly. Where are we going?"

"It’s the purpose of the surprise that it’s unexpected." Youngjo laughed again.

"Tell me where we're going because I'm getting nervous..." Hwanwoong muttered. Packing was stressful for him, trips too.

"We have to pack because we're going to Los Angeles. Today."

Hwanwoong was silent, thinking it was a joke, but Youngjo was silent too and looked at him with that tenderness in his eyes.

"But today?" Hwanwoong finally answered. "How?"

"We will fly by plane, we won’t walk by foot of course."

"Wait, wait! Are you telling me that we're going to Los Angeles today? Just like that?"

"Yes."

"For what?"

"And why go to different parts of the world? To see something new." Youngjo was very amused.

"But wait because I don't understand. We're going to Los Angeles. Today? Is Hollywood there and all the stars live?"

"Yes. Broadway, Avenue of Fame..."

"Can you take it a little slower? What about the visa? How can we go today if we need a visa?"

"You are so precious oh my God." Youngjo was still laughing. "You didn't look closely at the documents that Seoho gave you to sign. I knew it would be so. Everything is booked and taken care of. We have a plane at 9 pm and we really need to pack."

"How did you just show me the documents to sign?!" Hwanwoong was so shocked that he couldn't understand it. Receiving and exchanging rings is surprising, but it was still part of their relationship. But a trip to another country in a few hours?

Yongjo laughed and grabbed his face, kissing him several times.

"You are so delightful that it’s hard to believe I succeeded. Maybe you hid the party yesterday from me, but believe me, it was harder for me to keep such a trip secret."

"I believe you. But I have to admit one thing... I’m speechless."

"You're not angry?"

"Are you angry for what happened yesterday?"

"No. I love it."

"Then you have the answer. But... what am I supposed to pack?"

"We'll take all my hoodies. That's enough."

Hwanwoong couldn’t comprehend what miracle had put him in this position. His life was like chaos some time ago, but since he was with Youngjo, everything was going so well. He was afraid something would happen. That he would lose him or some other horror would happen. But he had to remind himself that happy relationships are possible and they are one of them.

Hwanwoong has never been abroad. Jeju Island was the furthest place where he was on the trip. And now he was in Los Angeles with someone he really loved. His mind became as transparent and clear as never before.

And they had a great two weeks ahead of them.

"So it's like a honeymoon." Hwanwoong said, holding Youngjo's hand as they walked down the street. Nobody even paid attention to them here.

"That's why I said it was a perfect coincidence. Although I think about it, Seoho was behind everything from the very beginning." Youngjo sighed.

"How is this possible?"

"I told him I would love to do something for you. Something special. Maybe some trip, but our schedules were hard to synchronize when you were a barista. So he said he will hire you because he needs a choreographer anyway and you always were good at dancing. He would make sure that our schedules were in tune, so that we could go somewhere together for a longer trip. I always wanted to see Los Angeles, I know you were interested too. So when you signed the documents, there was also a form to get a visa."

"So it's really thanks to him? Oh no. He won't let us live." Hwanwoong cried.

"Yep." Youngjo sighed. "But it was still worth it. I wouldn't change anything. Are you hungry?"

"Mh. Let's eat something really American."

"Let's do it."

* * *

_May, 1906_

_Dongju,_

_I want to enjoy your life going well. I have always done everything to ensure your happiness. I am sorry that I was unable to provide you with this one thing. Because if I could, I wouldn't let us be apart._

_But we have to live like this._

_We have no other choice._

_I know you will love this child. Teach him love, compassion and tolerance. And when he grows up, let him teach his children the same. Let it go on and on until the world changes. Then we'll meet again and I will never let us part again._

_But now, give up the pain. I don't want you to suffer. Suffering only makes our soul darker, and yours must remain pure._

_I miss you every day. You are always with me in my thoughts, sometimes even in my dreams. Sometimes I dream that I have you in my arms again._

_My life is also good. I know I made good decisions._

_And I couldn't ignore your letter even if I tried._

_With love, Geonhak._

*

_June 1906_

_Hyung,_

_Your letter has just arrived. I read it many times and hear your voice in my head. There are days when I’m very rational, I’m helping people, I care for my family. Keonhee-hyung will soon welcome the third child and when we visit them it is so loud. I can still hear the noise._

_Sometimes I miss our silence. No, not sometimes. Every day. But sometimes I need noise. It helps me control myself more. Please, send letters to each other. I need to stay in contact with you. I can't live like you never existed because that is not possible._

_It makes me sad how long we will have to wait for the meeting again. I wonder how we will find each other? How will we meet? Who will we be? Will the world really change?_

_But yes, I will teach my son and make sure he will teach his children the same._

_I miss you._

_With love, Dongju._

*

_July, 1906_

_Dongju,_

_I can't always write letters._

_I have a lot of work, but I promise you that I will do it as often as possible._

_It will not always be a long letter. I won't always be able to send it on time, but I don't want to lose contact with you either._

_You are too important to me._

_Sometimes I have days when I want to cross the water and land to see and embrace you. But then I would have to break many rules, I would have to let many people down and condemn us both to be condemned because I would not be able to leave you._

_I can't write to you on such days. Sometimes I'm too weak to even allow myself to think about you._

_With love, Geonhak._

*

_September, 1906_

_It's getting colder._

_I understand. I understand, because I have such days too. Sometimes I wake up, look at the rising sun and think that I will leave it all and go to you._

_But then I see the faces of others and I can't move. It's like I'm frozen._

_I understand why you made this decision. I know you were right. But I have the right to feel cheated and betrayed by the world that surrounds us._

_I send you a photograph of me and my son. Everyone says he looks like my copy._

_With love, Dongju._

*

_December, 1906_

_Dongju,_

_Your photography made me come alive for a moment. I haven't seen your face for so long that I can't stop looking at it._

_And yes, your son is very much like you._

_You are beautiful, so your children cannot be different. I will keep this photograph close to my heart._

_I will also give you something. The only photo I have._

_With love, Geonhak._

* * *

Hwanwoong looked at the setting sun.

They were sitting on a beach that was almost empty, reading letters. There were several dozen of them and everyday life, sadness and joy were described in them. Dongju insisted on meeting many times, but Geonhak refused and forbade mentioning it. Then there was usually a break in time before they began to correspond with each other again.

Hwanwoong had mixed feelings. On one side he was glad that he knew what was happening later. But on the other hand, it hurt that the two of them had to live apart.

He and Youngjo read these letters almost every day when they felt like it. They were halfway through the rest of their stay in Los Angeles and were trying to make the most of everything.

They spent the day at the beach, bathing, walking, kissing, holding hands. They were free and could enjoy each other's company like they will never be able to when they come back. Not so much.

However, they were still in a better position. Their life was better. Times were better. It was their time and they used it.

"You are sad." Youngjo said.

"Yes. I don't know why I thought reading these letters would make me feel better. They only prolonged their agony. I think they only caused more pain to each other."

Youngjo put his arm around him and kissed his temple. Hwanwoong leaned more on him, needing his closeness.

"I look at it in a different way.” Youngjo continued. “If I couldn't be with you every day and all I could do was write letters, I would do it. Even if it would be painful. That's all we could do. And look how many years it lasted. Geonhak died during the war after 1950. And these are letters from 1948. It’s the longest long distance relationship I’ve ever seen."

"It only makes me sadder. But I admire them for perseverance, for the courage that they could write openly about it in letters. You know, it makes me want to live more." Hwanwoong looked at Youngjo. "I want to live like they couldn't."

"We are already doing this, Woongie. And I think they would be pleased. Once I dreamed that I took the subway to some old town, where I met them both and tried to take them with me because they would live better. But they refused because they have a lot of work and they didn't know who I was. They looked at me like I was a madman." Youngjo laughed.

Hwanwoong shook his head.

"Only you can have dreams like this, I swear. It's weird." he murmured when he wanted to take another letter. "This is not a letter from Geonhak."

"Hm?"

"This is a letter from the end of 1954, after the war. I think it's from his wife."

"Read it."

_I write this sadly because I don't have good news. My husband died a few days ago. He was very wounded, but he asked me not to provide details._

_Before the war came, I repeatedly urged him to visit you. I know about your relationship and I accepted it. I would also like to confirm that my husband kept his promise and never touched me or any other woman or man._

_We don't have children and we never felt the need to have them._

_He asked me to write that he lived with love in his heart. And his only love was you. He begged you to live on and teach your children, because you want to meet again when the world is different._

_I admired him and loved him. He was very good to me, he cared for me. We never lacked anything. I don't regret anything and I feel honored that I could stand by his side. I did not understand how such love could exist, but I understood his need and willingness to change it and I decided to support him._

_He didn't have time to reply to your last letter, which I had to read to him. But he asked me to pass it on:_

_;Dongju, your fear is understandable, your uncertainties are understandable. It makes us human. But you have always been sensible, you have always been able to make good decisions and you are stronger than you think. I’m asking you for forgiveness that I’m leaving first, that I’m leaving you in this world, but I promise you that I will wait for you. But by then, live a little longer. Live fully. Please. And smile. You have the most beautiful smile. Just remember good things about me;_

_He didn't suffer. He fell asleep. He was smiling all the time. I think he was thinking about you._

_I apologize for my boldness, but I do it at his request. I also provide documents that are proof of inheritance. His wish was that after his death everything will belong to you. He knew I had enough, so he didn't worry about it. We don't have children, so it was a logical solution._

_I will also give the address where he rests if you would like to visit him._

_Now I will finish the letter and I hope that the world will change quickly so that you can unite again._

Hwanwoong didn't know what to say. He knew this story ended in one way. These people lived a long time ago, and yet it was cruelly sad.

Suddenly he was very emotional. He felt his eyes sting. He looked at Youngjo.

"I love you." he whispered and kissed him. Youngjo embraced him tightly and didn’t let go for a very long time.

"It's okay." Youngjo said, kissing his forehead and reaching for something else. "This is a note from Yongsun. She wrote that she couldn’t find anything else because there is nothing more. She doesn’t know if Dongju wrote back to Geonhak's wife, but she suspects that Dongju went to meet her. The only one thing she knows is that Dongju actually inherited everything and died at a very old age, but it’s not known in what exact year. He had one more son and those brothers grew up into strong personalities who fought for a better future. Yongsun also hopes that although it's sad, we like her gift and are happy that she could share this story with us, which she devoted so much time to." Youngjo sighed. "This woman amazes me."

"We have to thank her."

"We'll do it when we get back."

"It's weird it's over. I don't know if I expected it to end. But this story was the best thing I experienced. It taught me to appreciate so many moments, it taught me to look more closely. And thanks now I'm here with you. And I'm really happy."

"Me too. Really, do you agree to grow old with me?"

"You have a ring on your finger, don't you? Don't think it's temporary. You've got stuck with me."

"I’m not complaining at all." Youngjo laughed and caressed his face. "I really love you so much that I can hardly understand it."

"Seoho-hyung didn't hold back and told me he was wondering if you'll love a little wrinkled raisin that I'll change into for some years."

"Uh-huh, remind me to punch him in the face when we get back to Seoul, okay?"

Hwanwoong snorted.

"I would like to see that."

"We will have a wonderful life and he is simply jealous."

"We don't know what will happen, but let's enjoy it for now. Ah, there is one more thing, Youngjo..."

"Yes?"

"I know that my contact on your phone is saved as Hwanwoong. Why?"

"What?"

"When I was looking for nuna's contact, I saw Hwanwoong there. Why is it not a Peanut anymore? What was wrong with the Peanut?"

"Oh! Oh my god!" Youngjo laughed. "I changed my phone and just forgot..."

"Cheap excuse, Mr. Kim. I'm not buying it." Hwanwoong rose from the sand, took the bag and headed for the parking lot, where they had a car.

"Woongie, wait! I can change it. Woongie!"

"You are sleeping on the couch today!"

Youngjo laughed and managed to reach him. Not that Hwanwoong walks quickly. He felt Youngjo put his arm around him. They smiled at each other and stopped at the car to look at the setting sun again.

Their time was beautiful and they will take care of it.

"We're going back?" Youngjo asked.

"Yes." Hwanwoong replied and climbed up on his toes kissing Youngjo again before getting into the car.

There was still a lot of time ahead of them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read all of it - thank you!  
> Leave me a word or two :")
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/whisper_feather)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/whisper_feather)


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